Possible Happiness.

You've turned my unhappy day into an amazing smile. Just to see everything seem to go wrong, but ending the day in laughter. I feel extremely better. Yet more motivation to become a better person in all that I do. I can't even find the perfect words to write this out. I can't even think of how to explain it! I know I'm bound to react this way, but it's for a reason. Obviously.

I'm amazed at how this happiness is even possible in our situation...

Despite It, On I Love.

Do I do this to myself every single time? It’s just so extremely hard to avoid a determined heart. When the silence falls around me, this rush of pain finds its way to my eyes. I immediately react but fail miserably to stop it. As the weather cries outside, I wish its sunny days related to me more. The moment I do find that hope, I keep it. But somehow it’s too hard to let it paste a smile on my face. It’s like fighting in a battle and continuously falling. And yet I still get up each time.

Is it so wrong of me feel the way I feel? I know I must be strong, but that doesn’t stop the fact that it all hurts. I used to live for tomorrow by telling myself things will be better eventually. And although I believed my days would get brighter in time, I needed to be content with now. I didn’t want to miss out on my today.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel like there’s this big knife stabbing into my heart. And it doesn’t go away. I have no way to explain myself anymore. I don’t even know what to write… I just repeat myself over and over and over, as if to convince myself that I know why this has happened and that writing it out will help me. Putting it all into words has never been so tough. I don’t want to walk away though. I don’t want to give up and become a failure. I don’t want to take the “easy road.”

I will keep going. I will keeping loving.

I Cannot!

I literally cannot find another reason to write! I spent a moment here thinking and I just cannot think of anything else that gives me reason to grab words from my head. All the words end up forming into the same thing, allowing me to repeat myself in many different ways. I've become conscious of this fact over time, but now I actually took into consideration the possibility of writing about something else. But alas, nothing comes to mind that will cause me to want to write. Maybe it is not I who can write, but the life I live that places itself into words to somehow explain myself. Letters flow naturally into words that begin to explain it all perfectly. I'm fond of this and I possibly never want to stop.

I am now avoiding writing the word "you," because I'm often inclined to do so. I cannot shut my mind down. I find it at full speed repeatedly and speaking through silence generally helps. The effect I have received is impossible to evade. Not that I've tried, but that it's impossible.

So there I have it. I just cannot find any other reason that gives me inspiration to write so freely. In a very indirect way, I have included what I always write about. Somehow.

I somehow mentioned you. ;)

Just For You.

Now I understand.

The reality of the matter has finally hit my mind. It's not you who stabs my heart. I've viewed you as a treasure and I've come to hate when someone pours dirt on you. This affects you because I truly mean I care for you. Our bond has taught me that we can't get what we want and like it. Because I never wanted this before I knew you. We are introduced to who we need and what's meant to be is impossible to leave. The only things that bother me are the things that make you less than who I know you're meant to be. You're only a top priority in my life because you made it this far. I never wanted anyone to make it this far unless they were supposed to stay.

I am not criticizing you, I'm just so determined to see you polished. I find no reason to feel wrong that I want you to remain a shiny treasure. If my care makes you uncomfortable, it's because you're hurting me internally without trying. The more I set you high, the more you know your words will be daggers to my heart. But I have chosen this, and I know you are capable of turning those daggers into roses. But I am going to care for you no matter what. I have become strong through my weakness.

If I cared not for your life, I would not waste my time crying. Your smile does wonders because you are not just someone I know, but someone I trust. A feeling of safety and respect. I could tell the big difference when I received the lack of respect from others. I find myself thankful for God allowing you to stay. I only tried pushing you away because I was so scared to listen to feelings. But perhaps I wanted to watch you come back. Maybe somehow I knew you'd always come back, and I pushed as hard as I can, yet still keeping that hope that I was doing the wrong thing. I could never be content with your absence in my life. A life without peace on that matter would eternally obliterate me.

This is my honesty. If I ever do find a scratch on your surface, I will not scold you for it. I will polish it. I naturally want to reach out to you because I think you deserve love. I can sit in front of you and feel just right, forgetting about anything negative. You're perfection to me in an imperfect form. I say this because I find it true--not to win you over. Can you honestly deny our bond? We read each other's minds and blurt our similar thoughts. Neither one of us can explain that, but I really don't find need to. Someone like you and someone like me somehow made it through very tough situations.

I almost thought that my unconditional love and patience that I strive to have is the only reason we're still friends. But I know somewhere deep down in your heart you understand the connection that holds us in place here just like I do. I've only made it this far because I truly do mean all the things I've said to you. Every time I see you, eventually I have this urge to say something new that goes on in my mind, but then over time I dismiss it with hesitation and stalling. It's not that I'm scared, but that I think things are meant to be said on perfect timing. My hesitation and the act of stalling has helped me wait things out.

I've grown a fear of hurting you, of losing you, and of starting an argument. But I have dealt with these fears so that I may look at you and understand that you shouldn't be treated as an enemy. And I should not fear you. You are the sole reason why I have learned that unconditional love is definitely a requirement when I mean what I say. Had I not meant anything, I would have walked away. But here I am. Until you understand why I'm here, I will be figuring out why you're here. I'd pray you away again, but I don't want to be selfish anymore. I did it because I thought I couldn't handle what I've handled for over a year now. God proved me wrong.

Here I am writing, trying my best to use this talent to speak volumes to a one-person audience. You told me once that I could use this to reach out to people. So here I am using it for you too. I could spend hours thanking you, but you should know by now you are highly praised. Even if just by me.

This will only make you feel different because it's true. I wrote this just for you.

Until He's Free. (Fiction Story)

I saw him sitting there, chained to the chair. His head was down, his eyes were closed, and his entire body looked limp. He seemed lifeless as the darkness crept in. Inside my heart I felt a tug, to go toward him, to rescue him. But as I made my way over, walls began to form around him. I ran up to the window and placed my hands on the glass. As I looked inside, he began to struggle with the chains, pulling and tugging. As he failed to make a difference, he looked up and around.

My heart began to beat as I internally cringed. Immediately I cried out to him, knocking on the window as loud as I can. Tears started streaming down my eyes as I screamed for him. His eyes met mine and I felt my heart fail to beat. Quickly it caught up to itself and pounded more intensely.

He looked inanimate, with no spark in his eye whatsoever. My hands remained on the cold glass as I tried hard not to breathe too direct as to not fog my vision. The tears on my face grew cold and dry as a warm new drop fell from my eye. As I looked at him, he kept our gaze. I felt completely helpless with no way to him. I could not touch him, I could not be there for him. I watched as he struggled once again, trying to break free from the chains. If only this wall would fall so I could run to him. And yet I stood on the other side of the window and sobbed.

I began to pray, "Please, God. Free him from those chains! Don't let him hurt too long!" I fell to my knees and banged on the wall in anger. I felt so far from him. I wanted to save him so bad that I could hardly even watch him suffer. I wept and wept as I sat on the floor, weakly hitting the wall every so often. When I found the strength to stand again, I did. Looking around, I walked the perimeter of the room he was in. Each wall had a window. Coming to the last side, I saw a door. I ran to it and thrust my hands upon the handle. Using all my strength, I attempted to pull it. It was locked.

I ran back to a window and knocked on it again. This time I saw the other side of him. His head turned toward me and his eyes were like daggers to my heart. As I cried out on the other side of the window, I tried to point toward the door. He looked over, then back at me. Soon he began trying to free himself from the chair once again. A shiny object caught my attention, and looking down near his feet, I saw a key! I tried to direct his vision toward the key. He finally caught on and tried using his foot to reach it. The chains were tight.

I prayed once again, "Please, God! Make a way! I do not want to leave him. I just can't. I must see to it that he is saved from those chains... What is holding him in there? Please make a way..." I cried as I watched him struggle to reach for the key on the ground. When he failed, he looked back up at me. My heart was almost giving out, I could not handle it anymore. It hurt in the most painful way to watch him struggle with chains.

When it seemed he was about to try harder, he gazed over at me, stopped struggling, and closed his eyes. There he sat, limp once again.

He gave up. As another warm tear rolled down my cheek, I watched him sit there looking lifeless. I turned around and leaned up against the wall as I sat myself down. Looking toward the sky, I grew confused with why there seemed no way to help him. My lips quivered as I questioned God, "Why would you have sent me here when I cannot help him? This is too hard on my heart! Must I sit here and watch him struggle, watch him chained in that room? These walls keep me so far from him and I cannot open the door. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to leave him..." My head dropped as I sobbed. Eventually I found the strength to put my arms on my knees and looked straight ahead. Still not understanding, I knew I had to keep trusting.

I thought I saw a hint of light coming out of the window. Hurriedly I got up and looked in once again. He still sat their hunched over, looking down. But a stream of light made its way down on him. That's when I noticed that his mouth was covered. He could not scream for help. As the light grew brighter, I got a deep, warm feeling inside. Something inside was telling me he would be okay. I could not leave.

Like lightning, he was struck and his head came up. He looked straight above him into the light. But as he did, his mouth became uncovered. At that moment he looked back at me, then down at his chains. He started to fight again as my blood began to rush. Soon the chains broke as he cried out. He reached for the key and stood. Looking up, the light above him allowed me to see his tears. When our gazes met, he smiled at me. I grinned in return and ran to the door. I attempted to open it again, knowing it was still locked. I struggled with no luck.

Running back to the window, I grew confused. He looked over at me with sad eyes. I did not understand why the door remained locked. He gave me the expression that he could not do anything about it. I didn't understand as I felt like crying again. There he was, free of chains, but why do these walls separate us? He looked down at the key he held. I recognized it immediately. Finding his gaze once again, our eyes danced. I wanted to look away, but I kept staring at him.

He was afraid. He was afraid to let me in and I could tell. I couldn't remove myself from my spot, nor look away. Unexpectedly, he walked up to the window. He still held the key as he placed one hand on the glass. As if he was trying to understand something, he stared a while into my eyes. Breaking the gaze, he looked down at the key. Then all of a sudden he turned and went toward the door. I walked toward it, waiting to see it open. After moments of what sounded like struggle on the other side, the door flung open and he stood there with enough strength to barely stand. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him. Hugging tightly, I never felt so perfect. The same man who sat in the chair with chains now stood here, free and without a wall in between us.

The first words to come from his mouth were barely audible. But I understood him.
"Why did you stay?" he asked.

I smiled and answered, "Because I didn't want to leave you like that."

He teared up and shook his head. "I do not understand. No one else has stayed. I am better off alone."

"But you're not alone." I hugged him again and he returned it. Remembering the key he had, I let go and looked down at his hand that held it. He noticed my gaze and opened his hand.

"I ignored this. And I have no idea why." He handed it to me and turned around. Looking straight at the door, he walked up to it and closed it. Grinning back over at me, he made his way to my side. "Shall we?" He held out his hand as I slowly put mine in his. I did not understand why he gave me the key, so I gave it back and told him to keep it.

He laughed and pulled out a key from his pocket. "I've already got one." Looking ahead, he led us away from the building.

Finally I examined the key and in tiny writings...I found his name.

An Ocean Wide.

All the tears cried over words spoken played the absolute most important part. It's exactly what got us here. Maybe God found us completely strong enough. How two people could have two different things that clash in such an impossible way--and we maintained a happiness. To be able to laugh at each other and create inside jokes. Is that even possible?

I find myself thankful no matter what. Because the only reason I ever bother to use my time to cry is because I've grown to deeply care for another human being that wasn't myself. For such a long while I wanted a reason to feel like I have purpose in my life. I had this boring life with just myself to please, just myself to pray for. Then God brought me a real reason, a better reason.

I've found joy in caring for you. I've found joy in loving you no matter what. Just understanding that our friendship is the most craziest thing in the world. But we're so lucky to have it. To know that things don't come easily and we live through it. Look at you and I! We are stronger than we thought we were. We are not emotionally retarded, we're emotionally strong. The only reason we feel weak is because God gave us more than He might have given someone else. We did not break completely, we just cracked a little bit. But we lived. And we're still going.

Crying out of nowhere simply proves that we have a heart. Crying means that you and I are human beings with feelings. And when the things that matter to us more than anything else come stabbing us unintentionally, we hurt. But we hurt because it matters. I would never intend to ever let you go just as long as God keeps you here.

Maybe we aren't weak after all. Maybe we are much stronger simply because we can still laugh.

I couldn't cry last night with you around because it's not your presence that makes me cry.

It's your absence.