Dear Heart.

Dear Heart,

I know why you're going crazy. Don't worry, I'm on your side. I know exactly why you're pounding differently. I had no idea I'd put you in this position, but I don't exactly know what I'm doing! This is a first for both of us, and I guess we'll just learn along the way. The best things take time. I learned that much.

Just calm down. There's so much more in store for you! Hold on tight!

Sincerely,
Your Home

A New World.

I realize there's a world I've never been to before. I knew this, but I never would have know the reality of it. Even now I still sit in wonder. But the closer I feel to this world, the more my heart becomes intimidated. It's not that I'm afraid, but I'm completely new to it all. I don't know how to speak the language because I've always only daydreamed my guess on it. Maybe I was afraid I wouldn't like it when it began to feel closer. I had no intention to assume this world was inviting me in. But it feels like it's at the tip of my fingers.

Maybe I'm being completely silly. I feel it fading now, the uncomfortable feeling you get when you begin to experience homesickness. Perhaps that's it. I stepped into a state of homesick. I know it goes away once you get used to this something new. And soon enough you reach the point of fearing the goodbye. Your heart begins to become strong and wants to build a new home.

This metaphor comes from my first trip out of state. I was so happy to meet my friend and collaborate with our photography. I arrived after such a long ride and wait and she was happy to see me. As hours passed, I began to feel weird. I knew how far I was from home. It was my first time being so distant. I didn't miss home and dislike Utah, but I wasn't used to it. I grew homesick and felt odd for a while. My friend cheered me up though and as the week went by, I became completely used to the new area and being away from everything familiar.

Things take time. I may be scarred and fragile, but I know that the right person will be able to help me grow and build me up to be stronger. I imagine that one day I will finally experience the step in life where a best friend becomes a husband. Anything in between will be all that is new to me and I have no intention to rush it. My heart is hesitant and my mind is quick. Not the best mix, but I intend to go by this heart I've carried through everything. It's only weak because I've worked it too hard. It is now only beginning to build a new strength.

The world I was so curious about will accept me just the way I am. No matter how long it takes me to get over my homesick feelings. I must remember to be myself and slow down. I never knew what I was wanting until I felt it accessible and closer. The moment that happened, I inevitably stepped back and saw that I had no idea how to handle it!

It's a journey. A new one. And I may not be alone this time.

Wide Awake!

Here I am, wide awake, one thought on my mind. But then a million other tiny thoughts are swimming around as well. I'm eliminating expectations for I've decided how much I truly do like surprises. Not questioning, asking, wondering, or begging God for any type of answer except which way to go. I want no one or no thing to be a distraction. I do not need a distraction in life. I do not want one. I want exactly what God desires for me. I may still be undergoing recovery as I adjust to this different life, but I am beyond thankful that the past familiar pain has vanished. I am not affected anymore. I am new.

I mustn't forget how much I have sacrificed, and how much I have done. I mustn't forget how much I paid just to love despite circumstances. God called me to do something mighty, something many people along the way have expressed they would never have been able to do. But I went through it and came out stronger than ever.

What happens when we are asked to love someone we will not marry? Are we only willing to do it if we get something in the end? Would we only answer that call if we knew we'd get that particular person eventually? Had God told me a clear no in the beginning, I may have been discouraged, confused, and completely human with my reaction. Instead, He knew I'd love until the end if He kept silent about the matter and He knew how to remove me from it when it got messy. The God I serve was and is entirely in LOVE with the human being that He brought into my life. And He was in love with me too, and designed this beautiful master plan to speak loudly in the most subtle way. Through love!

He knew I desired something beautiful and something real. And He occupied my waiting time with a battle and lesson. He prepared me to be who I desired to be, no matter how hard that was for me to understand back then. He did it. Here I am, someone completely changed, with the eyes to see the impossible and shoot for it. The real deal that I desired would be at the end of that storm and come when I was finally ready. God knew how to get me to wait properly, no matter how many times I grew weak and wanted to disappear from the world. I made it.

To the one He originally designed for me... I love you already!

Fight the Fear.

I remember those many nights that I used to wonder when everything would be over, when I'd finally feel okay. I stopped understanding the situation I was in and finally fell to the point of uselessness. I uttered the words "I cannot do this" all too often and had nothing left to give. But at that time an entire escape was being set up for me and the ending to such pain was nearing. There was a beautiful prize waiting for me if I just endured until the very end. And I was determined to do so.

I was pulled out right on time by a miracle. Four years ago, when it all started to begin, I remember being told there would be a miracle. I guess I never knew what the miracle would be, but I still continuously held onto that promise. I inevitably tried to guess what it could be, and let that be my hope. The harder it got, the more I questioned what God was doing. But when I'd break down, He'd lead me to "love anyway." So I'd get back up, and continue on.

He knew what He was doing, and He knew exactly how to take me out of it when I was done. Without a single tear, I broke away into this state of utter happiness. It was completely gone, I felt nothing at all, and everything felt so new. I began to hope for greater things, and see life in such a new light. I had no idea it'd end the way it did, but it worked. I left my calling when I was called out and I left it with the exact reason I came along. That I loved unconditionally expecting nothing in return and walked away empty-handed to prove I can do it.

I guess I never expected to avert my eyes elsewhere, and unexpectedly a new character was added to my freshly started chapter. My eyes were brightly lit and I had so much hope already that I unintentionally let it add to my happiness. I was at peace in my life finally, and truly believed anything could happen. I got to be myself and easily applied the love I was taught during the past battle. I was at the point of feeling so ready to enjoy a prize until I realized what happened.

Soon enough a fear began to hit me. Will my feelings ruin another friendship and put me in the state of wonder? Will I make a mistake without even trying because I will grow attached to another human being that will only hurt me unintentionally? Just as I never blamed the one in my past, I could never blame someone completely new and innocent. My prize at the end of the storm wasn't what I thought it would be, and yet I felt so ready to use the love I learned.

I fought this fear off when I came to realize it and found myself back at the happiness. But soon enough, it wanted to attack me again. Why couldn't I just be? Why was I falling back to the person I used to be, as if I was in a hopeless situation all over again? How on earth did this happen to me again? I felt trapped all of a sudden, receiving something I'd never ask for. I was battling with my heart all over again and he had no idea. His timing in my life seemed so set up, so perfectly planned, and I was letting it get me to fear. I had to tell myself that God does not give people in our lives bad purposes. They are always good ones. What reason would God have to place me right back in the same situation?

There is hope. There is nothing to worry about. There is a prize still waiting, still in the process of being revealed. The fighting I have done did not go unnoticed. There is an answer. There is a surprise that I have strongly been feeling would come and I needed to build the proper patience to get to it. I needed to just breathe and remember how God placed a happiness inside of me. No need to fear. There is a way.

I'll see it soon. I'll understand soon. I'll know. And when I know, I'll be happy all over again. ♥

Dear God.

Dear God,

You've got me wondering, going crazy, drumming my fingers and trying so hard not to figure all of this out prematurely. I know that You know what You're doing, and You've already done so much for me. I am thankful for that. But now I need You the most, to give me patience and strength to believe again. You brought me through my past battle and that helps me understand that You'll know how to deal with me now. Please take away the fears inside of me so that I could breathe again, and trust with my heart.

I feel as though I am one block away from this surprise. I have no intention to take any guesses, I am open for anything You may have for me. All I know is what I have now, and what I feel now. I want to be surprised in such a way that I'll know exactly what I fought for. I always believed You'd have a prize at the end of the race. Well, I've reached the end of that particular race and am questioning if I've received said prize or not. Perhaps You're waiting to reveal it to me, and teaching me something new. I'm trying to learn, I really am.

You know my dreams, You know my desires. You know what's in my heart, and what You have in store for my future. I have this vague image of what it can be, but more along the lines of how happy it'll make me. I imagine something completely new, that You'll take me to a new land. This excites me, and I just need direction and guidance. But until then, I pray mainly that You help me grow properly until then. That I can understand this waiting period and that whatever it is I need to do now, I will do.

I'm willing to take that leap of faith, to step out of my comfort zone, and make my dreams reality. But may those dreams be Your desires, and may they be what You dream for me. May I go where You send me and love the way You taught me. Show me what it is I need to do to fix anything negative inside of me. Shut my ears from the enemy who wants to attack me and pull me down. Close my eyes to what is unclean and whisper encouragement into my heart.

I'm getting a passport. May this be the beginning of my new journey. ♥

Love,
Stephanie Ann

What Do We Really Want?

We always think we know what we want until we are given what we really want, but then we question if it's another thing we want that we don't actually want. If we want one thing, seek it and then never have it, we find something else we want instead. But what is the difference between wanting what you don't need and wanting what you do need? How do you know if you've found what you really wanted if the idea of you wanting it puts you in the state of wonder? If we wanted something and never got it and was given what we really need and end up wanting it, how will we know when it's okay to want? How will we know when we're wanting the correct thing?

Is it the prize we receive after accepting the fact that we did not obtain what we previously wanted? And when we stop wanting that thing we didn't actually want, is it time to find what we are meant to want?

I thought I knew what I wanted. But in the end, I didn't want it. I soon discovered what I do want, and I question if this was meant to be wanted. But it feels so real, so huge, and so much better. Maybe I also needed that past want to compare something better to. To understand the different feelings between each of these wants I've had. Have I finally found what I should want? Have I finally learned my lesson to know what is next that is what I want? I could not have this and that at the same time. My past want could not also have this current want alongside of it. And for that, I am able to see that I may have come to the correct want thanks to my past lesson.

This Time I Carry a Smile.

This is extremely the hardest thing to hold in. Again. Especially because I've somewhat been here before. I've done this. I should be used to it, right? But this time I carry a smile on my face. This time I laugh at myself for my quick impatience. This time I must be aware that I just began a new race. There are so many reasons for me to be happy now and therefore I do not need to worry.

My fingers are begging me to write in letter form and my voice is waiting to explode in lyrics. And here I am, avoiding it all, staying as calm as I can. It's all but a mystery and the most entertaining one yet. I fought for a miracle, and I received one. But I always imagined a certain prize at the end. I just never knew that the prize would be different than what I hoped for. But by the time it came, my desires completely changed and I received something better.

Maybe I'm being silly, but I still beg for the better and the comfort that it truly is all over. So I continuously keep my hopes high on anything new to come along. Because of our pasts, we've learned such huge lessons to make us better people. To make us people who are equipped with the proper patience and love to understand and be stronger. It took so much for us to know, to grow, and make it here. But it all served a perfect purpose.

This is extremely the hardest thing to hold in. Again. Especially because I've somewhat been here before. I've done this. I should be used to it, right? But this time I carry a smile on my face. And I'm trying so hard not to write "you."