The Future.

I have finally arrived at the time in my life where I am more than ready to take that leap of faith. It feels time for that big step to be made. I know God sees this in me, and He's been the biggest reason why I've reached this point. He has changed me, transformed me, and brought into my life blessings for what I've been through. He taught me great things in the past, and has been teaching me new lessons still! He has taken out of me impatience for the future, and fear from the past.

I'm ready now to move on to something entirely new. To follow my heart to what I desire in life. I want these desires to be God's desires, and I await for Him to point a finger as to where He wants me. I had a calling that was revealed to me in January of 2009. I spent every month after that fulfilling the calling and trying my best to do as God asked. He brought me through the battle of it until July of 2012, when I was finally released. He placed inside of my heart a feeling of peace and happiness.

I have been reaping what I've sown, and it feels so good to finally get to this point. Life dramatically changed for me and I know that I am finally ready for the next step. My calling was fulfilled, and my purpose was made. Now I am free and one step away from the next journey. God will put inside my life what He desires and place the right people who are to join along in this journey. I'm so utterly happy to be experiencing all of this, and glad that I made it the past few years without ever giving up.

This town will always hold those memories, and remind me of all that I went through to get to the point that I am at now. It'll always be here, with everything I needed to grow and learn. This is where I was placed for 21 years. I finally feel that I am nearing the time I make the decision to go where I need to go. As a photographer, I desire to travel the world. I can't imagine doing it alone, but I know there will be a way! Until then, I am determined to fight for what's to come and ready myself for a crazy, amazing, adventurous future!

The best has yet to come. ♥

I Belong SOMEWHERE.

Do you ever feel like you belong somewhere else? Or maybe you're missing out on so much out there? I do. I realize that I have often lived a daydreamed life. I hardly notice this until I picture reality. What goals do I have now? What do I want to do in the future? Of course I think about these things. I wonder quite a lot about what I truly desire to do.

I guess I'm unsure of what to do because I have other secret wishes that are so undetermined right now. And without them being detailed correctly, I draw a blank. But I do wish to relocate, somehow, someday. Hopefully not alone. I imagine this crazy but amazing future, that even with its trials, it will be great. As a reward perhaps, for making it through the darkest of storms and enduring until the end.

I'm at a crossroads now. I believe at this moment anything could happen. My eyes have been opened up to the entire world, and I'm ready to discover my next step. This excites me because the possibilities are endless. And maybe I won't have to be alone in this next journey. Maybe someone will join along to view the world just as I do. To set no limits. To never give up, or walk backwards.

So what's to happen for Stephanie Ann next? We'll see!

To Whom it May Concern.

Dear To Whom it May Concern,

I cannot force any sort of desire to fulfill your needs, wants, or give back to you what you seek. I cannot stay in a position where I will hurt you, as I've already been hurt by what is not mutual. I am more than the girl in the photos of me. I am more than someone who has talents. I am more than you'll ever know because I am not yours. It doesn't excite me to receive your messages when I sense you're trying to win me over. It doesn't excite me if you ask me on a date of any sort. It rather puts me in such an awkward position.

It is not because I dislike you, but because I'm being held for someone special. And that someone special is the only one who will have such a key to get to me. You're not the only one seeking my attention. Over time I have experienced many different messages. I have dealt with receiving nicknames as if I gave an okay. I am not your sunshine if you do not know me well. I am not "truly special" if I cannot even open up to you. I am a human being with a difficult past and need more than someone trying to "catch" me.

Do I appear as some sort of treasure? That I will give in to just anyone? That you can read me like a book and it's okay to approach me the way you do? If we were incapable of naturally meeting and/or communicating for reasons that allow me to be comfortable, then this is a selfish want for yourself. It's hard for me because I want to run away, but I know I have the heart to be kind. But you take it so sky high and attach yourself like a leech.

I'm picky because I'm only capable of loving one human being in that deep way. My mind and heart is not open for just anyone who comes my way. It knows what it wants, and will not settle for less. And that particular person will subconsciously know how to treat me and speak to me without trying. That person will completely be themselves for me, and I will willingly be able to love them just the way they are. You cannot try to be that person. I have a heart that I intend to guard.


Stop looking and just let that person come along, and then love them with all of your heart.


I know I will. :)


Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

I've Not Lost It.

It's what I'm used to. It's what I've practiced for years now. It's what I invested so much of my time into. It's who I am. It's how I am. It's what I know. To have it taken away was a fear I once dealt with. But somehow, I did not get it taken away. I found it again, right away. Did God set it up this way?

What I'm used to is putting my heart into what I do. Preparing something simple or huge in hopes that it will run so deep for the other person. That is what I've practiced. It'd put a smile on my face to walk into a store knowing I'm about to purchase something that will put a smile on that particular person's face. Did I need to spend money? No. I found meaning in even the simplest of things, like a rock from a special location or card I labored over with construction paper and glitter.

This I've practiced, this I've grown to do, and I've come to realize that I have not lost it. I've too soft of a heart that I wonder, dream, and desire to make a difference in someone's life. To show them how important and loved they are. When I had to let go of the one I practiced this on, I didn't imagine still being able to be that person, even if to someone else now. And that's okay for me. In fact, it has made me even happier because the problem I faced, the situation I dealt with has finally been eliminated. And I sincerely pray it does not repeat this time.

It is enough for me to see his reaction to such a simple gift. It made it all the more worth it to have sent it. To have dealt with shipping fees, and signing a customs declaration. Entirely worth it. It brought back to me the joy in giving and opened my eyes to see who else is out there in this world. And even though he may be across the ocean, he's a specially designed human being just as I am and somehow he came along. He's yet another soul I hope I can shine for.

♥

Something New.

Well how do I start this? I know exactly what's in my mind. It's so much different than before. I literally feel like I've joined an entirely new world. I cannot even try to feel how I felt in the past. It is completely shut back in my timeline and my today is so much better. But without what I went through I could not appreciate this more. I could not say that I've overcome such a huge battle. I could not say I received a miracle.

Anyone who knew me before this change can see clearly that this is indeed a miraculous change. Not that it has changed me as a person, but that my situation has ended. I am not crying myself to sleep, begging God to bring me to the finish line anymore. I've finally reached that finish line. But I had no idea that I'd come out empty handed. But I have. And that means one thing to me.

I loved unconditionally without expecting a penny in return. I walked away in the end with a smile on my face and without what I had selfishly wanted. Although I fought for four years over someone I knew for five years, God doesn't always call us to something for ourselves, but for Him. He calls the unlikely to do the unfathomable. Someone as shy as me was called to apply God's love and speak to someone who was the total opposite.

The part of him that I was attached to was the close bond we created, the excessive amount of laughter, and the idea of having someone I can feel comfortable around. That doesn't necessarily mean he is the only person in the world to be that for me. And now I feel my eyes have opened enough for me to see that God can very well place the exact person I need right into my life the moment I am ready for it. I have learned from that friendship and I have grown so much because of it. I was able to also learn what I need and what I do not need.

Maybe the next person to come along into my life with the ability to break down my walls will be all that I desired before and more. Maybe I won't have to wait much longer. Maybe he'll be the very thing staring me in the face.

♥♥

Once Upon Impossible.

There are certain things that at one point you could have never imagined happening. But somehow life has its way of surprising you and proving you wrong. I've lived my life with a lot of faith, capable of believing the impossible. But just a few weeks back, I would have seen myself today as something impossible. I chose not to believe it because I never wanted to give up on something I was determined to see change. But when God turned it all around for me, I walked away without giving up in the way that I never wanted to. In fact, I was capable of giving it away to Someone more powerful than I, and Someone with more patience.

I see my past as a fight that got me to become stronger in the most impossible way. As that door closed, I found the strength to open my eyes to something new. Perhaps this was God's way in preparing me perfectly to become something great. Just because I was called away doesn't mean I've lost my calling. It means I'm to be given a new one. This has excited me because the pain of that past has finally come to an end.

The tears I've shed in the past four years served their purpose, and I risked my entire life for one human being. I feel as though I have finally died for them and became alive even stronger in the end. It's God's turn to apply love in their life and my turn to move on.

I've always been one for the unexpected. All the happenings in life that come unexpectedly always just seem meant to be compared to our selfish wants. What you cannot control is not meant to be controlled, but to be embraced. To be understood. To be learned. I know God will allow the right human being to come along and pull me out of any past effects. Someone to prove my fear wrong. Someone to read me like a book and become hope.

He knows me far greater than I'll ever know myself.

The Fighter in Me.

This is different. It felt nice to experience peace and feel happy again, but as I sit here I feel slightly anxious. I came out of a four year battle. My heart was apparently built to fight. I'm now waiting for another door to be opened, but until then...I must try hard to just be still. I'm not entirely used to this. I'm realizing it more and more each day. I'm starting to get to know this heart of mine. Slightly.

Once a fighter, always a fighter, I suppose. Having nothing or no one to fight for is too strange for me. But at the same time I am afraid to ask God for another task, even though I'm willing to fight again. I'm afraid because I'm not entirely sure what I can handle anymore. My tears beg me not to return to the pain in the past. No part of me wants to return to that and feel it all over again.

So I begin to deal with fear. Over-thinking, to say the least. I am angry at my mind for doing this. Is it trying to find something to fight for again? Am I so drawn to broken projects? Sit this out, Stephanie. Sit it out! Wait. Enjoy the freedom for now. Enjoy the peace. Why are you thinking beyond what you can control!? What reason do you have to determine what is unknown?

Who does this? Who cries for what I cry for? I'm crying because I want to have another reason to fight? I'm crying because I miss unconditionally loving someone? In no way am I crying for not receiving. That battle was fought, that battle is done with. But now I cry because I still yearn to apply that love to someone? Because I miss giving gifts to make them smile? Because I still wonder, to this day, no matter how many times I tell myself it does not matter, how it even feels to be adored in return? I cry because it bothers me that I must wonder this?

What is my next task? What is my purpose in this life? Which human being can I lovingly care for that will not be taken away? Which one is the right one? Which one is okay? How do I get this off my mind? How do I stop this?

When will I deserve it?

Send Me Back Up.

I have no one to blame but myself. I guess you could only stand on top of the mountain for so long before the next step you take leads you straight down. And although I fear to face sadness again, I'm sure it'll come for whatever reasons it needs to. This time the reasons have changed. This time I'm not even sure what the reasons completely are. I did not rewind, I don't feel I have. But why is it so hard for me to remain satisfied?

It attacks me all too often, this want, this need, this wonder. I'm horrible at lying, and God would never believe me if I tried. He knows my heart all too well, and I simply pray He guides me the right way. The door has shut for yet another to open, and I truly do desire to enter the correct door.

Was this just a tease? Just something to come along and tease me when I did not even try nor ask for it? Not to mention the undesired interactions from people I'm trying quite hard not to hurt. But give me one decent friend and suddenly I'm facing my fear and it's hurting me. I was doing so well, I was so sky high, how could I suddenly feel this way? Send me back to that happiness, send me back to the hope and laughter I just had two days ago! Please, God. Give me another chance... :(

HAPPINESS.

God has granted me the peace that can only come after a well fought battle. If the past four years of my life did not occur, I could not feel this way today. The comparison of now and then is incredible. I cannot remember the last time I felt this happy and content with God. Despite where I stand, where I live, and whether a million things are happening for me in my life or not, I have the happiness that only God could give.

Last night I spent time with God, reading His word, and then in prayer. I smiled, I cried, I laughed, and laid down finally, smiling. I began to see all the gifts I've received in my life as gifts from God. I began to thank Him for everything that I have, naming off as much as I can. As I closed my eyes, it was as if God was whispering into my ear "I love you." I did not feel alone as I rested my head on my pillow. I kept smiling like I was just proposed to and literally felt that peace of happiness inside of me.

This was much needed for me. This was done so quickly, like a miracle. I walked away from my past when God finally saw it time. I learned the most beautiful lesson I could have ever asked for! And that is unconditional love! To walk away after giving so much of my love, constantly, even when I was hurt deeply, and to walk away empty handed was the best feeling I could have never imagined beforehand. When you give without expecting, you prove it by having nothing.

In return though, God gave me exactly what I needed. He has loved me all along. He has kept me strong. He has kept me alive. He has been with me all this time, through thick and thin. He held me in His arms all those nights I would just cry my heart out. And here I am, at the top of the mountain, ready for exactly what He has next in my life.

When I could not sleep yet last night, I realized I did not set my alarm. So I searched in the dark for my cell phone and when I couldn't find it, I finally used my iPod's screen to light the area. Realizing I had a message I got distracted and somehow ended up electronically and virtually hanging out with an amazing new friend of mine. To me, it was genuine. To not have something in the back of my mind killing me softly while I smiled. To not feel like I'm 90% but to feel 100% and fully happy. They may have been an ocean away, but I could be just the way I am anyway. :)

This happiness was worth the wait.

No Turning Back.

What once affected me greatly is now but an image of the past. I may be walking on with a smile, but I'll never forget what I learned. I finally reached the end and crawled my way up the mountain. When I finally reached the top, I saw the most beautiful sight on the other side. It was a life full of blessings, happiness, and peace for overcoming the battle. I can imagine that any trial that comes my way again will be nothing compared. I have come out of this storm stronger than ever, and I couldn't be more happy.

There is no turning back now. To return to those feelings I once had is the very thing I pray against. I believe God can do anything, and He just did. He performed what looked impossible to me before. Now my eyes are opened to new possibilities, and new inspirations. I could not see this before, I tried so hard, but I was still climbing the mountain then. This is an amazing genesis.

My Big Heart.

My mind still tries to get the best of me, but it fails fast as I stay strong. I've come to the point that I do not want to return to what has hurt me before. I do not want those feelings to come back to me. I cannot repeat what I've suffered over. I feel at peace, I feel much better now, I feel free, and I really, genuinely hope that I do not get attacked again.

I know my heart wants to love tremendously so. There's something about pointing a human being out and making them feel special that warms my heart. And I do believe that is what God put inside of me for when I become a "wife" to my future spouse. He knows He made me this way. I loved the feeling of giving a gift to someone I found special. I have no reason to take it back, I meant it at the time. I did my part, I moved along. Every gift I gave in the past to that one person was simply what God gave to them by using me. And that will be enough for me to know.

I don't look down on myself, or believe something is wrong with me. I find myself as the better person because of what I was capable of doing. I could love nonetheless and maybe it's just something they could never do. Knowing I'm capable of that makes me feel like I've accomplished a huge task. I have been told by quite a few people who caught a glimpse of my past pain that I'm a "great person." Although I intend to have no pride, I understand that I am still appreciated as a human being, even to the person who has hurt me.

Do I blame them? No. Do I hate them? Not at all. Do I regret loving? No. It got me here, didn't it? To say I can be this strong with God's help. If my love cannot fall on them anymore, it'll go to where it is appreciated even more. I was so attached, for reasons only God knows. But maybe this will allow me to truly see the difference. To take what I've learned, and grab that mass amount of love and send it to whom it belongs.

Do I feel this way, this excited, without someone in mind? Unfortunately not. A removal of someone in my heart leaves that little space empty that the only thing to help me keep my hope is to place a form of hope in there. Does this place a fear inside of me? Yes, it does. A fear I will be praying away. This fear has me thinking that I'm going to attach myself to yet another person who will hurt me. This fear has me thinking that something is going to go wrong. All of the odds in my new situation are against me. I know I have faith to move mountains, I always believed with my whole heart. But my heart is too big to listen to my mind.

Why must I desire to love someone so eagerly? When is the time that I can do that with the one who will desire it back?

Before I went to the wedding today, I thought, "Maybe I will learn something from this. Maybe there will be meaning on its timing? Last minute I was given a yes to record video for it. When I was there I definitely had many thoughts on my mind. New ones, and happy ones. I usually work as a photographer at weddings, but this time I go to see more professionals working and it was the first thing I noticed when I arrived. There were two! They were working together! My first question to myself was, "Are they married?" And shortly I found out they were. Suddenly my mind is thinking how fun that would be, to have a partner during work. It was so neat to watch them work together. I was quite jealous, if I must admit.

I never like photographing at weddings that often have a lot of strangers when I am alone. I just hold my head up and do it anyway. I mostly dread the editing later. But I couldn't get myself to agree to marrying a photographer. I've been told that so many times by friends throughout the years, but I thought it would be hard if it made one of us feel not as great, granted one was higher level. But my heart was softened. And my mind was changed. Not that I know who I'll marry, but that I saw how they worked together and I thought.. This is genius! A genuine married couple generally consists of best friends. Two people who get along so well, it's like they are best friends. With that, you read each other's minds, as so to speak. You work in sync. You trust them with your entire heart.

These two wedding photographers made it finally appear to me that it could work to a great benefit. Not that I would just decide to go find some photographer guy, I'm still a picky person. Hah! But that it opened my eyes to something new. Something beyond the fact that they're photographers. Just something I hadn't ever thought about that I cannot explain in here. I got to see that you really do never know what you want. You say, "I could never marry a photographer" and one day you just might do that! I'm actually guilty for saying that. You could say, "I'd never marry someone is in the army" and get exactly that. So, I must keep my mouth shut! Or just say, "I'd never marry my best friend." ;)

To conclude, I'm going to prepare myself to be a better person so that I can be the best that I am for someone someday. ♥

Prepare Yourself!

Dear Future Husband,

You better be prepared for me. I'm pretty scarred up now, but they're healing. I may be hesitant, and struggle with my faith in you. But it's not because I don't trust you, or that I don't believe you'll love me. It's because I'm going to have to learn how it feels to be loved by another human being like I have loved before. I'm a soft heart when I open up and when I find you, I'll be okay with friendship. I want to get to know you the right way, and I want to fight for you.

I cannot determine if we have met, but I simply hope that you discover it's me either way. We will face trials and tests but it will make us so much stronger. We will learn how to love each other until the end, and that excites me. Right now God has asked me to prepare myself, so I must spend some alone time with him before I'm ready for you. But don't worry, I've developed a lot of love inside of me for you. I pray you never give up on me.

I hope you forgive me for anything I gave away that belonged to you. But do know that I have saved a lot of myself for you, and still want to patiently wait for your arrival. I have been distracted for the past few years, but I know that I will be very capable of loving you still. I hope you help me overcome the fears that I developed and that you ease my mood when I am afraid. By that, I mean that I hope you always point me to God when I am down, because He loved me first.

May you be worth every day of the wait. I'll see you soon!

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

Realizing the Effects.

As I allow my mind to show me what's in my heart, I end up curled up on the floor, determined to just cry it out. But that same mind remains so utterly busy the very next day, with its unfortunate ability to distract me from working. What is happening to me? I wonder this now as the realization of my sudden paranoia comes forth in my mind. My past has affected me this way.

I spent about 4 years experiencing unrequited love, as so to speak. Not that I was unloved, but that I loved too much to not desire more. I wanted to overcome it though, to win the battle, to finish the race. I wanted to make it to the end and receive a great reward, so instead of becoming hateful to the person, I loved anyway. I learned how important love is, and I served as a reminder in their life. I was the one who would love them the way God loves us. And I walked away with that exact hope that I left that impact.

So here I am at a crossroads, trying my best to hold in the scars I arrived with. I may have developed a fear that I will gain "feelings" and desire for someone who will not want that in return. But I know God will help me through that, and guide me the right way. He will not let me go through what I cannot handle, and He will not drag me through the same storm when I've already come out of it. I sincerely pray that I do not ruin a great friendship with desires for more, but that if I do gain it, that it'll be right.

Paranoia

I'm not entirely sure how to express myself at this current moment in time. Perhaps I need to allow the camera to help me out, and maybe I can capture at least a percentage of my inner being. But what difference would that make? I've developed some sort of paranoid thought that I cannot even explain.

Unfortunate Desires.

Lacking to receive and possess a certain feeling and attention causes one to desire, wonder, and ache for that unknown sensation. The moment you receive the tiniest of it, it's like you've been starving for weeks and suddenly a piece of food is placed in front of you. Instead of patiently taking it piece by piece, you're craving the entire refrigerator and the patience is harder to keep. I've lacked what I desire and I'm burning deeply inside with a passion waiting to explode.

I do not understand myself. I do not understand why this has become so complicated. And suddenly I'm receiving genuine attention that I actually quite enjoy, which is extremely rare for me. But yet I still feel so stuck to the unfortunate. Why must my feelings confuse me so? I know exactly what I'm not receiving and what I'm craving. But it's just not enough, not worth it, to give in and receive it improperly. I do not want to waste time, or break hearts giving in.

I'm human, I know that. I know I desire an intense amount to be in a closer relationship with the opposite gender. They're difference intrigues me, and keeps me entertained by the fact that I cannot understand their point of view. And I'm completely fine with that for the simple fact that I love the difference. I love mystery. A whole reason to get to know them, to see how they see life. To interact and feel different. It's so silly to admit, and I've gone this far without. But yet I struggle daily without having it.

I've let God distract me, so He can be all that I have and need so that I do not wonder too often. But I do. I grew in love with my best friend and I have no idea why it lasted this long. And now I have such a hard time pulling away because I feel so stuck to him. Stuck in such a way that it has become out of my control. I almost want someone to come along and steal that attention away from him. Someone to feel okay around, someone who intrigues me the same. But what if I'm only intrigued with the ones who treat me as a human, but desire nothing at all beyond a simple friendship?

And yet these things should not matter. I should not wonder. I cannot do this to myself.

The truth is right here. I too often wish for a mutual like and love.