My Big Heart.

My mind still tries to get the best of me, but it fails fast as I stay strong. I've come to the point that I do not want to return to what has hurt me before. I do not want those feelings to come back to me. I cannot repeat what I've suffered over. I feel at peace, I feel much better now, I feel free, and I really, genuinely hope that I do not get attacked again.

I know my heart wants to love tremendously so. There's something about pointing a human being out and making them feel special that warms my heart. And I do believe that is what God put inside of me for when I become a "wife" to my future spouse. He knows He made me this way. I loved the feeling of giving a gift to someone I found special. I have no reason to take it back, I meant it at the time. I did my part, I moved along. Every gift I gave in the past to that one person was simply what God gave to them by using me. And that will be enough for me to know.

I don't look down on myself, or believe something is wrong with me. I find myself as the better person because of what I was capable of doing. I could love nonetheless and maybe it's just something they could never do. Knowing I'm capable of that makes me feel like I've accomplished a huge task. I have been told by quite a few people who caught a glimpse of my past pain that I'm a "great person." Although I intend to have no pride, I understand that I am still appreciated as a human being, even to the person who has hurt me.

Do I blame them? No. Do I hate them? Not at all. Do I regret loving? No. It got me here, didn't it? To say I can be this strong with God's help. If my love cannot fall on them anymore, it'll go to where it is appreciated even more. I was so attached, for reasons only God knows. But maybe this will allow me to truly see the difference. To take what I've learned, and grab that mass amount of love and send it to whom it belongs.

Do I feel this way, this excited, without someone in mind? Unfortunately not. A removal of someone in my heart leaves that little space empty that the only thing to help me keep my hope is to place a form of hope in there. Does this place a fear inside of me? Yes, it does. A fear I will be praying away. This fear has me thinking that I'm going to attach myself to yet another person who will hurt me. This fear has me thinking that something is going to go wrong. All of the odds in my new situation are against me. I know I have faith to move mountains, I always believed with my whole heart. But my heart is too big to listen to my mind.

Why must I desire to love someone so eagerly? When is the time that I can do that with the one who will desire it back?

Before I went to the wedding today, I thought, "Maybe I will learn something from this. Maybe there will be meaning on its timing? Last minute I was given a yes to record video for it. When I was there I definitely had many thoughts on my mind. New ones, and happy ones. I usually work as a photographer at weddings, but this time I go to see more professionals working and it was the first thing I noticed when I arrived. There were two! They were working together! My first question to myself was, "Are they married?" And shortly I found out they were. Suddenly my mind is thinking how fun that would be, to have a partner during work. It was so neat to watch them work together. I was quite jealous, if I must admit.

I never like photographing at weddings that often have a lot of strangers when I am alone. I just hold my head up and do it anyway. I mostly dread the editing later. But I couldn't get myself to agree to marrying a photographer. I've been told that so many times by friends throughout the years, but I thought it would be hard if it made one of us feel not as great, granted one was higher level. But my heart was softened. And my mind was changed. Not that I know who I'll marry, but that I saw how they worked together and I thought.. This is genius! A genuine married couple generally consists of best friends. Two people who get along so well, it's like they are best friends. With that, you read each other's minds, as so to speak. You work in sync. You trust them with your entire heart.

These two wedding photographers made it finally appear to me that it could work to a great benefit. Not that I would just decide to go find some photographer guy, I'm still a picky person. Hah! But that it opened my eyes to something new. Something beyond the fact that they're photographers. Just something I hadn't ever thought about that I cannot explain in here. I got to see that you really do never know what you want. You say, "I could never marry a photographer" and one day you just might do that! I'm actually guilty for saying that. You could say, "I'd never marry someone is in the army" and get exactly that. So, I must keep my mouth shut! Or just say, "I'd never marry my best friend." ;)

To conclude, I'm going to prepare myself to be a better person so that I can be the best that I am for someone someday. ♥