Shine Your Light.

Sometimes we get to a point where we seek an answer to questions in hopes that by searching, it'll put us at a better state of mind. Or, at least, for me I seek that. And tonight was one of those nights. My answer came in nature-form. The moon. It was extremely bright! The reason I took a walk by myself at such an hour is because I could not attend the bike-ride session with my family due to a flat tire. I instead chose to take a walk to clear my mind. And it definitely cleared it!

First, I headed off toward the west, where the sun had already set. I began to speak my mind to myself, aloud, and express my inner thoughts. I confessed my feelings and emotions toward any current struggles in my life. Eventually I began to remember how much has changed, and who I've become. The sun that had set is giving the other side of the world a brand new day. I only know life from my own perspective, here in California. But to imagine that this world is so huge, and that my afternoons are someone else's sunsets. Life continues on, continues forward, and we repeat days and nights throughout the years. 

As I began approaching the end of my west walk, nearing the bridge I'd take to cross and head back east, I finally released any sort of built up anger, disappointment, and negative feelings. I asked God to just remove them from me because I know He loves these people so very much. He knows their lives, their situations, their feelings, and He can take care of them. I crossed the bridge, continuously speaking aloud to remind myself these people matter.. I finally faced the east only to lock my gaze to the brightest full moon I've seen in a long while. 

I immediately haulted and stared at it in awe, feeling not only small, but amazed at what God has created. The moon, something vast, reflected the sunlight that had left me for the night in what feels like a miraculous thing. I absolutely love the stars, but this moon is just as great. Something I cannot grasp, nor create myself. But as I stared at it, I smiled. I could not take my eyes off of it because it was so bright and beautiful.

I came to the conclusion that I need to be a light, just as the moon is. I need to shine in the darkness, and be so beautifully lit that you cannot look away. I want to stand out in this world, somehow, to be different. Thus starting...my new journey in life! My goal is to shine, despite how people may treat me. Despite how I feel. Despite what happens. I will shine. I may fail here and there, but I am determined to get back up and keep going. To not be afraid to walk down dark paths because I will walk down them in high hopes that I can shine my light for someone else down that very same path. I will go out into the world and hold my light up.

SHINE YOUR LIGHT.

It could save someone.

But it's brightest in the dark.

What Do I Do?

I don't necessarily know how I got to this point, but I know I have. I've been at a loss of actions for quite a while now. I want to do the right thing, and I want to be content with it. But deciding what the right thing is can be a bit tough. Ultimately I know I must seek sincere happiness, and be the absolute best. I may have been quite teased in my life, but it's my duty to react differently and dismiss the teasing. It's difficult dealing with my heart, but it's all I have.

Right now I've got myself. I've not any sort of responsibility of another human being, and have no reason to worry. Even if it's incredibly hard to ignore this heart, I've got to. I feel it'll only get me in more trouble as it has in the past. It messes with my mind. I've tried and tried for the past two months to change my thoughts, change my attitude, and believe in things that don't even exist. For the sake of my sanity, I've learned to pretend that there is no problem, or person, in my life.

Meanwhile I have made new friends who listen to me and take interest in what I have to say. I purposely try to occupy my time with important things and keep a smile on my face. Because someday I'd like to discover where I'm meant to be. But until then, I must work for it, and earn the money to start such a future. Although I don't want to back out of my flying plans, it's beginning to be tempting because I don't know if I should go anymore. I can tell I want to, but it hasn't been working out. I'm not one to easily doubt, and ultimately I want to believe there is a solution to the problems. But daily I'm being pushed to say no to this trip and I can't decide if I ignore that and believe anyway, or take it as a sign.

I just want to stay happy. Why is it so hard? The reason it seems I let people "walk all over me" is because I don't have the heart to walk on them back. I can't feel okay pointing out flaws back. I don't want to. I don't want to think negative. And I get attached so easily, like I starve myself of people. And yet I do not.

Dearest God...What do I do?

The Friend Zone.

The world has developed many ways of "living." There are rules to how to properly approach people, and words you cannot say openly. There are stages to take to "date" someone and any impressions available to make. According to this world, you have to take certain steps to get what you want. But in my honest opinion, these steps lead you straight into a game. A game in which you highly risk failing and pain is but a step, not a lesson. Just get past it and then carry on and repeat. And then there is a zone many are afraid to enter when acting too "casual" and not becoming the right bait. It's called the "Friend Zone."

I am not afraid of the Friend Zone. I've occupied that zone for 5 years, and was aware of it for 4 of those years. Today I can finally see what it saved me from and what it taught me. I learned to be myself, with no need to impress. I'll gladly enter a friend zone for the sake of getting to know a human being for who they are, not who I want them to be. They who are afraid of this friend zone risk the lack to be themselves. They try hard to impress, and not act too comfortable lest they fall into such a zone.

I think this Friend Zone is a zone we fail to enter out of fear when really it'll produce foundation. If you cannot be a friend, you cannot be anything more. Friendship is a genuine bond, in which you should be yourself and become comfortable. An awkward moment on a date with someone who wants to pursue a relationship granted the date goes well could lead you toward a broken relationship because a friendship could not form.

What is to be will be, I'd say. You find what you need through friendships and discover what you do not need as well. You cannot force anyone to desire you nor love you. The only move you can ever make is a change within yourself. Face your fears and do not run from the "Friend Zone." Just continue to live your life with reason to be happy nonetheless. Sure, there may be that moment of loneliness, but stand tall and walk on. A companion is sure to come when you need one most.

If you can pass the Friend Zone, you've the patience to love someone for who they are without any expectations. This isn't a rule that must be followed. This is merely a life that lets you be yourself and find people who will take the time to care for you, despite having a "title" to your relationship. Embrace that.

I am not afraid of the Friend Zone. I occupied it for 5 years to learn exactly what I needed to learn to become a better, stronger, and wiser person. And here I am, aware of who I am and what I do not need. :)