Soon.

My expectations have failed me in the best ways I could ever impossibly imagine. A dream I've dreamed to experience it in ways that never previously existed. Finding happiness in the smallest things I never desired in the first place. I found an open chair in a life I never spoke of before. Silently I took a seat without hesitation. I was unaware of a future that would hold everything I ever needed. To look up and gain knowledge. To look ahead and shyly smile.

It became a well-known word; repeated perfectly. I begged Him at night to find me, to lead me, to love me. A shield found its way in front of my heart. A thankful plea found its way above me. To find a place where I belong; that's all I asked. The word He gave me, the hope He filled inside of me--it pleased me. The room He put me in, the chair He sat me in, the table He placed me at--He wanted me exactly where He put me. Chained to my place with a smile pasted on my face. I wanted to be trained to fight, I wanted to take the task.
How could He find me worth it? How could He think I could do it? But must I question Him? I lay in bed at night only to be in a completely different place.

Here is my genesis. A beautiful puzzle forming into a picture. Pieces falling together in ways I could have never imagined. My imperfections creating perfection. All of who I am in exactly the right place on earth. If there's one thing that keeps me going, one word that soothes me, it's soon.

My Hardest Struggle is My Easiest Dream.

Often the words become blurry as I ponder my mind. I've stared at myself one too many times in the mirror just to look at my red eyes. As much as I want to put everything into the perfect words, I fail miserably. I've this emotional battle within my heart that I've fought and given up back and forth. But each time I lean towards giving up, it feels completely wrong. Perhaps I just cannot forget one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I will not regret a single tear shed.

Everything has moved so quickly in such a slow fade. But I've decided my future is a surprise. I stand forth in front of a completely new year in high hopes that I can love it. The fear of my repeatable past often tries to haunt me, but I've grown the decency to dismiss it. I cannot bear another moment of my heart stopping just to catch up with my pain. But I'd never take a sorrowful moment away, as they've made me stronger. I sincerely adore the love that has found me and made me new.

Maybe the perfect words can be found and placed into an audible form. Maybe I've not yet taken the time to grow them into my comfort. Maybe they require the perfect timing--when all seems to have been torn away. All I need is a hint of hope; I receive it quite often. Here I sit, watching letters form into words and into paragraphs, possibly into meaning. I've never wanted to scream what's on my mind so much until now.

But I stay silent.

I do not understand fully. Although I am okay with that, a part of me wishes I did understand already. I breathe everyday to continue moving forward, but my mind draws back on what stirs my heart. It has become complicated, but why have I apologized? I know the answer and I've realized it for quite some time now. When I attempted to spill, I had no idea there was still more to pour.

The fear that you'll find my deepest thoughts is leaving me. I cannot hold truth from you anymore because the building up is what causes the tears. My honest truth is that I cannot bear the thought of losing you. I will never be able to deny our ability to hold this unexplainable relationship together without trying. You've already found your place in my heart; who am I to remove you from it? I cannot help but think of you through blurry vision.

To explain this to anyone is almost impossible. This has happened to us because God has found us strong. I can rightly disagree with the fact, but He has proven me wrong. Even the moments I mentally grab my heart, discovering the physical pain of reality, He's holding me together. I'd be lying to say I didn't want to give up before. But every time I consider the fact, God shoves love in my face.

Love. The indescribable ability to reach into the deepest part of our hearts. The only thing holding me together to move forward. It is a constant reminder that I have feelings with a mind connected to my heart. I am who you see me as. And I made a promise to God. No matter what happens, I have become willing to lay down my life for another soul. It is possible to commit such a promise when you thought you never could do so.

The hardest thing I've ever struggled with was the easiest dream I've ever had.


Just to admit I love you.