Often the words become blurry as I ponder my mind. I've stared at myself one too many times in the mirror just to look at my red eyes. As much as I want to put everything into the perfect words, I fail miserably. I've this emotional battle within my heart that I've fought and given up back and forth. But each time I lean towards giving up, it feels completely wrong. Perhaps I just cannot forget one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I will not regret a single tear shed.
Everything has moved so quickly in such a slow fade. But I've decided my future is a surprise. I stand forth in front of a completely new year in high hopes that I can love it. The fear of my repeatable past often tries to haunt me, but I've grown the decency to dismiss it. I cannot bear another moment of my heart stopping just to catch up with my pain. But I'd never take a sorrowful moment away, as they've made me stronger. I sincerely adore the love that has found me and made me new.
Maybe the perfect words can be found and placed into an audible form. Maybe I've not yet taken the time to grow them into my comfort. Maybe they require the perfect timing--when all seems to have been torn away. All I need is a hint of hope; I receive it quite often. Here I sit, watching letters form into words and into paragraphs, possibly into meaning. I've never wanted to scream what's on my mind so much until now.
But I stay silent.
I do not understand fully. Although I am okay with that, a part of me wishes I did understand already. I breathe everyday to continue moving forward, but my mind draws back on what stirs my heart. It has become complicated, but why have I apologized? I know the answer and I've realized it for quite some time now. When I attempted to spill, I had no idea there was still more to pour.
The fear that you'll find my deepest thoughts is leaving me. I cannot hold truth from you anymore because the building up is what causes the tears. My honest truth is that I cannot bear the thought of losing you. I will never be able to deny our ability to hold this unexplainable relationship together without trying. You've already found your place in my heart; who am I to remove you from it? I cannot help but think of you through blurry vision.
To explain this to anyone is almost impossible. This has happened to us because God has found us strong. I can rightly disagree with the fact, but He has proven me wrong. Even the moments I mentally grab my heart, discovering the physical pain of reality, He's holding me together. I'd be lying to say I didn't want to give up before. But every time I consider the fact, God shoves love in my face.
Love. The indescribable ability to reach into the deepest part of our hearts. The only thing holding me together to move forward. It is a constant reminder that I have feelings with a mind connected to my heart. I am who you see me as. And I made a promise to God. No matter what happens, I have become willing to lay down my life for another soul. It is possible to commit such a promise when you thought you never could do so.
The hardest thing I've ever struggled with was the easiest dream I've ever had.
Just to admit I love you.
I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.
2 comments:
It's hard to believe you even wrote this Stephanie. I didn't know you could write so poetically.
As your sister I will tell you what I felt as I read this. I can sense the deep love you have for this...person. I know what it feels like and I understand what you mean. Although I do believe our situations are much different, love is always the same. The difference is, sometimes we have to love from a distance. We let certain 'wants' go but we keep the love. I'm not sure if you get what I mean but I'm not sure how else to describe it.
Sometimes we misunderstand what God wants us to do. He always wants us to love and not to hate, but he would never wish torture to our souls over something. He would never wish us to be in an emotional roller-coaster that seems to never end. The only thing I could ask you to do is to keep your heart strong for God and ask him to give you confirmation on what to do. He will either speak to you or speak through others. Many times it's through other people. I have had many things I needed confirmed...@@;
I know you trust in God, so you're doing the right thing. :) Just don't be so sad okay? God wants to see you smile, even through troubles because He knows you're capable of doing so.
Love you, Gleets~ :)
Thanks!
I guess the most interesting thing about everything I've been through is how God has always taken me out of the hard pain and put a smile on my face somehow! He has brought me through it all, giving me complete hope that He has everything under control.
I just finally realized that my heart was speaking loudly! And I felt motivated to write.
I feel like I've been growing in so many things that didn't exactly happen before. I was living a boring life until God gave me something to do; something to pray about.
It's what I asked for, even if I had no idea what I was asking for.
I am thankful because my prayers are being answered.
It's quite a lovely thing! =D
My main fear was to misunderstand what God might have been telling me. I finally let go of that fear and prayed it away, asking God constantly to tell me what to do, or how to do it! I didn't want to be wrong about what I feel He's telling me! So sometimes I'd open up the WORD and God made answers to my tiny questions obvious. Nothing specific, just perfect.
Interesting enough, He always led me to just LOVE.
And that goes for everyone.
BUT because of that, I have grown strength to love no matter what, and learned lessons I think we all should learn. To humble ourselves and never think we're better than someone else. I guess He just knew that love would lead me through every battle.
I'm not sure where He wants me yet, but I know I won't have school for another semester. Although I do have a feeling that pieces will be falling together this year.
THIS should be a year of great things!
I will never regret the pain I went through last year and the year before. Had I not gone through it, prayed about it, or cried, I wouldn't have grown so much. I wouldn't understand the effect of time.
God may not wish us to be on an "emotional roller coaster", but I do believe we all have to go through battles to learn lessons we couldn't learn had someone told us straight forward. We're here on earth for a purpose, a reason, to fight, and to love.
It just so happens we have Him to guide us through it all.
As for your first comment, THANKS! I've noticed that I've been motivated more than ever to write. It feels good when I do. :)
Post a Comment