All Along.

I had the mindset that I was beginning to understand in enough detail my purpose. I suppose I did understand enough, but then pieces I didn't know were missing fell gently into place. It snatched all speech out of my mouth and inevitably I cried the much delayed tears. I knew not what was being set out before me years ago, but today I've come to acknowledge in what I find a miracle. I was so unaware of what I walked into, but set so perfectly in place. Just on time God teaches me to use His love and I try hard to change my old ways. In the process of doing so, I find the most exquisite human being that changed my world. It was put so heavily inside my heart to set out to bring this person so sky high, that I was willing to risk my heart. And I have.

A miracle later, I am crying. Looking back at the past that I've paid not much attention to at times, and seeing what God was really doing. I was set to do a task that I couldn't understand until the story was half written. I was transformed and I've come to almost fully grasp the power of God's love. That despite my circumstances, He's working in the most wonderful way. He's teaching me how to love someone...no matter what.

It's always worth the risk of your own heart. To put it on the line and just love. To forget about your own situation and look at someone else's. To be the enticing difference. To be able to see what I see in this particular person was from the very set of eyes God gave me. Suddenly my problems don't matter. I want to love someone who needed it long before I knew. And I can only wish to make up for the lack. Somehow, little is much. Somehow.

The Perfect Gift.

You're like the perfect gift wrapped wonderfully that I set out to give fain love. Your smile is the ineffable glee sparkling in the very deep roots of my eyes. With every wave-crashing emotion inside my verity, I've grown to deeply adore the specks of perfection you flick upon me. The mirror you own speaks the utmost lies into your heart, as I ponder the beauty it lacks to portray. Each word that crosses my mind constantly fails to describe the awe of you. For what I have found inside the treasure you are to me is indubitably special beyond the ability of proper measurement. There will not be a single scratch on the very footprints you've embedded into my frail heart.

I would climb the tallest mountain to prove to deserve such a gift.

The Hard Part.

I remember this part quite well. I never liked it because it felt like the end of hope in the most horrible feeling. But I've always overcome this part of the battle and I tend to lack to remember that. I just want to get it over with. I did this once, why again? It's become too hard for me to rightfully endure. But in no way do I desire to just cop out of this race. I want out but at the same time I want to stay in and watch it evolve into something rewarding. I'm having such a hard time accepting my current state of mind.

I had hope snatched from my grasp and stolen from me and I'm determined to get it back. Life without it sure does prove to be almost lifeless. Why must I question everything all over again when the answer was always staring me in the face? What appears to be so now is only temporary and I've been told plenty times it is not over. There are still more words to be written in this story of my life. And if I give up now, I'll only get worse. As much as I wish this were over, the longer I suffer, the more rewarding my prize will be. And the more I'll appreciate it.

I can do this.

Fear.

This is the part I forget I dread. I get here and I wish I knew a way out. I'm struggling with fighting fear and to be okay I have to stare directly at God. But I get distracted with tear drops and the broken feeling of my heart. My prayers turn into screaming cries to Heaven, asking Him "why?" more than necessary. I stop understanding what I had so much faith in days before and I wish time would rewind. Of course, I only desire to go forward because I cannot afford to repeat. But I only hope and pray my feet find the strength to at least crawl. The odd part is we're smiles and laughter, making my sorrow senseless. I'm happy with you. I really am. But fear keeps telling me I'll lose it all. And it's the one thing I'm having a hard time ignoring. The one thing I give to God tonight.