I Was Meant To.

For so long I have written blogs showing how I've made it through this battle. I have filled up journals and written one too many letters to you. I've bought more just-because gifts as time went by. I've let you go and loved you all over again. For this long it has remained the same situation and I ask myself, "Why am I still waiting?"

I know the answer though. You see, it was and is my calling to unconditionally love you. I know it is. God gave me just the right amount of patience for you. He has poured inside of me just the right amount of love. And He has given me the right amount of strength to endure, no matter what you would say to me. No matter what could have hurt me, He taught me to forgive. And the greatest thing I could have ever done for you was to love anyway.

That is who I am for you. As hard as it is and as tough as it's been, I keep loving. If you don't know why, if you've yet to figure it out, you have to ask God Himself for that answer. Why on earth would He have sent you a Stephanie? Why would He put me in your life at the time that He did? And why would I stay this long just to still love you? I've struggled with my own desires causing me to cry at night. The fearful thought of losing you yet again has caused heavy tears because life is so much better with you in it.

But yet I inevitably wonder what it would feel like if this was all over? I wonder what it feels like to be loved and desired the same way I do to you, but in return. I wonder how it would feel like to be hugged out of mere affection. I wonder what it would be like if the exact person that I have grown to love saw me just the way I saw him. I cannot force it, I cannot ask for it, and I do not want to expect it. But I cry for it. Am I really this human? Oh, if I could deserve anything I'd want it to be you. :(

Despite all of the odds, I'm determined to continuously love you. I am determined to find what makes you happy and try my best. I'll give you space when you need it and you'll only have to ask once. I'll greet you when you come and I'll smile when you're near. I'll be patient when you're upset and I'll be quiet when you need silence. I'll tend to your needs when I am able and I'll listen when you speak. I was meant to do this. I know I was.

Purpose.

How could two people easily discover each other and so quickly staple themselves together into a marriage? Some are blessed, some just rushed, and some still don't know what marriage really is for. Yet here I am fighting for someone while days pass by with no change. I've discovered how it feels and how it is to love someone truly and deeply, and I mean it enough to love them even if they don't feel the same. I've tried to ignore it once upon a time and pray my way out, but it refused to die. But I was thankful and happy as my hope remained--can I keep him then?

I'm so certain, so sure, that if I were proposed to from that exact person this day, I would say yes with no hesitation. I'm aware that he wouldn't be ready, but the point is that I am content. I've cried and cried, and asked a million "why's" to God over the past three and a half years. But after losing him and getting him back, I'm determined to just hold on. I just can't get myself to even want to give up. I didn't even choose this. I didn't walk up to him. We just were placed right next to each other.

For a perfect purpose. ♥

Perfect Bait.

I don't understand how something so wonderful could have such a problem. It shouldn't be so, the distance between you and I with how close we are. How can you manage to fit miles into inches? I want you in my life so much so that I'm willing to hold this in and pretend it doesn't affect me. But it's so easy to freeze up inside at your nearness. I go along with it so that you don't take that away from me...

Why must your words haunt me? The words of how you'll never realize you love me. And although you do a magnificent job at truly loving me in what love really means, you still make it clear somehow that we can't be "together." In my heart you're the only one--you must believe that now. I never smile as much without you, or laugh as loud in your absence. You continuously do something loving at perfect timing--how could I not have fallen for that? You are the master at luring me in with the most attractive bait. You hold out exactly what I desire somehow and it saddens me to see how happy I can get over something so hopeless.

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not hiding it. I'm not holding this in from the world.
I love you. I learned that much...

Compiled Perfection.

I'm not entirely sure how you manage to compile your perfection into one smile. Not to mention you've the most obnoxious laugh that has the ability to immediately send happiness straight to my heart. Around you I have no complaints; just contentment. You read right through me and know how I work. Of course, it only makes all of this completely confusing. How could one human being fit perfectly into my life without the proper attachment? I'm so impatiently patient over our situation, but have gone too far to give up.

You always turn it around. When I'm upset with you, I forget the feeling so easily and so shortly after. I love you even more each time. I don't know how you do that to me, but you just do. I understand we're not in the perfect condition for something deeper, but I'm greatly willing to get to that condition. I'm going to keep fighting for you, so that I can show you how important you are...all the days of our life.

You've never broken my heart, nor have you neglected me. You've always made me feel like I matter, and you always praised me for my accomplishments. For as long as I can remember, you've been the best friend I could ask for. I know that says a lot because I understand we've had quite the trials. But despite that, I sit here still amazed with you. Despite everything we've ever been through, we can still sit at a table and laugh at the tiniest most simple things in life.

There's no other face I'd rather smile at while sitting in a restaurant lacking to decide on a meal. There's no other person I'd rather walk into a mattress store with just to say we did. There's no other guy I'd rather walk right into while intending to pass behind. There's no other human being I'd rather annoy by hitting them just because I'm happy. There's no one who can compare to who you are to me. I think it's safe to say that I truly and sincerely love you with my entire heart.

When I let you go, I hoped with all of my heart you'd return to me so that I can keep you.

Still To This Day.

Sometimes I'm afraid that someone will read my eyes when I'm around you. I find myself pretending to be uninterested in certain things you do to me. I maintain a decent distance as to not look any type of desperate. But as I see others taking the liberty to smother you, I have to ignore it and look away. If only you fully knew how hard this is for me. I push aside so many thoughts and hold so much in. To this day I still dream of something more deep with us.

I wish it didn't hurt this much over how you don't want me. :(