Yet Faithful.

God is such the perfect encourager and reminder to have faith. He gives me enough reason yet again to keep my head up and believe. But yet I'm silently tearing up over what is the now, wanting it all just to end. But I know if there occurs a good-bye, I can almost assure you I'll be crying nightly, if not always. I try hard not to allow this to get to me, but the thought of it hurts. Then I think back on God's Word, God's promise, and God's faithfulness and I tell myself to smile and keep going.

How much longer do I wait? How much further do I go? It may not be necessary knowledge, nor is it for me to know. But curiously I wonder how much I can even endure. I feel closer to the end, and weaker by the day. I pray I'm not wasting time. I pray I make it through. Because if he not be the prize at the end, then I admit the fear of the deepest pain to exist. As I wish for it all to end, it seems the only way out is in. Just to have him love me just the same in return. But either way, I still love him.

I find that's all that matters in the end.

Comfort and Joy.

You're happiness was my comfort and joy. You also blessed me more than I could even ask for. I ached deeply inside not to be able to embrace you with utter thanks. But as I watched you leave, I remembered the words I wrote you in the letter you took home. I do adore you in my life, but it'd be selfish to keep you around for that matter. Maybe you saw what I saw. Maybe you see what I see. If I made you happy this day as well, then I hope you cherish the reason why.

Thank you for the joy you bestowed upon me tonight. Thank you for being in my life, even if just for now.

Prolonging the Rid of Us.

I keep considering that good-bye to your wonderful being. I'm extending the days and weeks that I keep you, but counting down the days until I watch you walk away. Where I want you is where you'll be truly happy, instead of standing next to me. But I know I have this everlasting it seems faith, something that has not left me. It remains embedded into my heart, a small little hope that soon you'll come at me, running in full speed and I'll hold on tight and never let go. I dream of a day you'll look at me and realize I've desired to love you my entire life, before I even knew you. I still want to hold onto that hope, that faith, and it has caused me to cry with an intense amount of passion ever so often at the thought of actually leaving you.

Maybe I am really afraid of what your departure would actually do to me. I prolong the rid of us at every smile and laughter we share, never ready to bravely say good bye. This is what you wanted me to do, that if I couldn't contain my feelings I'd walk away. Around you I pretend to contain them, but I know they're running in circles in my mind, screaming at me so loudly that I cannot see past them when I look at you. I'm silently begging you to hear me out and make it all go away. But your honesty is so frightening because I selfishly want to hear that you just love me. I've grown too attached to detach and too in love to forget.

Wondrous.

If by any chance you happened to be unaware of how utterly wondrous you were, I would like to do the honors in informing you. Of course, allow me some time to find words that could even somewhat compile my thoughts together into perfection. By the way, I cannot do that. There's something about those things that remain indescribable. I've yet to define them. Not that I've tried. I'd rather stare in utter amazement to get you to understand.

You possibly don't know what you're doing.


To me.

The Gift Wrapped in a Blanket.

Interestingly the honest grin pasted itself immediately on my face, casting all worries aside. I could care even less for the horrible things now that I sat next to a wonderful gift wrapped in a blanket. I would not imagine trading this for anything else in the world. The moment I was in was the best it could be at that point in time. I was brought comfort in more ways than the obvious. I cried for one simple reason that night and I was content with my weeping.

I'm determined to keep the promise I made with my Father; to love no matter what. I could run from you, I could let go, but if you ever follow me, if you ever come back, I'm always going to commit to love. I've placed you so beautifully high in my priorities. You are indeed my priority on this earth. It never matters what others think or say about you. I can't see a defected version of you--just perfection imperfectly perfected.

I'll dread the day you leave.

Trusting You.

This time I'm not going to let the obstacles bring me down. You know, the sickness when I'm almost complete, the doubt when I'm almost happy--those sort of things. I'm not going to give up! You call me to one thing and I'm sticking to it until Your work is finished. I'm letting go of my tight grips and clinging to You alone. Help me to stay away from old thoughts and old decisions. Honestly, we only hold tight to the things we're afraid will leave us. And I want to learn how to let go trusting You've got it under control. To let go knowing it'll leave if it should, or stay if You ask it to. I know he's not asking me to go, but I never said I was going to grab hold again. Thank You for giving me the strength to stand where I stand today.

In My Mind Wasn't Reality.

In my mind I imagined walking away, but on the phone we put a band-aid over the cut. We disconnected and I was smiling? You told me to have a lovely night and I did, yet two hours before that I thought I'd be suffering a bit. The words that couldn't come out completely vanished because apparently they were not meant to be spoken. I was going to tell you that I'll give you what you want. I was going to explain that I'll walk away. We both know we were desiring two different things--or at least you led me to believe so. I could envision a future with you, but you did not want that with me. I thought I would let you win and go along with your decisions. But you didn't even seem to have those decisions I assumed upon you. You didn't even care for me to walk away. In fact, you seemed to like that I stay.

I've gained this rather large trust with you. That if I so fell back and you did not catch me, I would fall until I hit the floor. But I know you would catch me and for that I am thankful. I often accidentally spill out every detail of every situation in my life. But I hide nothing from you because of said trust. In return, you've hinted that you have it too. You can spit out an entire ocean of honesty and I can guarantee I will still love you afterwards and nothing will cause me to look down on you. You can tell me every piece of your heart and I will hold each one dearly close. You can spill out your pain and I will do whatever I can to lighten your load.

In my mind I imagined giving you the key and running as far as I can in hopes you'll run after me. But in reality, you already used that key a long time ago and I was one open heart. You somehow stitched up the cuts and bandaged the wounds that I was accidentally creating. There are no words in every dictionary to describe who you are to me. And, you see, it's not who you are to me that hurts me...it's who I am to you that I cross my fingers to. I've worked hard to get a positive evaluation from you and I've yet to see the results. 

You were created so uniquely, but perfectly set in my path. It's not that you're too lazy to push me away. I truly believe it's because you're too you. And I would not have you any other way.

Much Love,

Stephanie Ann(e)

A Dire Tarry.

I can already feel the edges deteriorating gently, day by day. It is slowly becoming incapable of beating properly. The blatant ticking of time and the drawn-out wait collide unpleasantly upon my fortitude. I'm awaiting the results of our matter, wondering daily if we'll live. My equanimity is failing me in the most lamentable way. Everyday is a continued battle to defeat the abominable disconsolation. But when my eyes get just a glimpse of what lies ahead, I've no other thought but to persevere. You're the sterling gift and perfect complement; a souvenir I'd never forget. Your importance in my life is the very essence to your meritorious entity. Deprived of you I am incompetent of prolonging with the normality of vivacity.

Silent Mistake.

The words have left my inner being, my hands lost inspiration. That fire you lit isn't burning because I blew it out. Now I'm at a loss for words and they're nowhere to be found. My heart sinks to the bottom and all I can do is look up. For such a long time I just waited, doing all that I can to pass the time. Here I am at the end of a year and I weep ever too often. I intensely feel that somewhere along the way I have made a mistake. It is now a mistake I do not know how to fix. I've turned to God, as I always have, and clinging tightly is so hard to do. My fingers slip easily and now I'm begging Him to grab hold of me as tight as He can. I'm seeking answers that will take away the pain momentarily and put me on the right path. The mistake I feel I've made was my current silence.

God asked me to love you, and here I am leaving you to be alone and without me. At this distance I cannot even speak words of life to you. I cannot make you smile, nor share with you my own accomplishments. I suppose I've nothing for you to smile at though, and any accomplishments that might exist most likely don't. I took a different turn and discovered you weren't even there, leaving me to now cry upon your absence. But yet I'm trying to continue on, not even knowing why.
I've wrongly left you behind without speaking a word, and you're open to letting me go. I can drift away from your life and you can be free of me.

I still love you. And as long as that is so, I'll be waiting.

I Can Do This.

A voice inside my head is screaming at me, asking me, "Why are you doing this!?" The other part of me is replying with, "I don't know, but it's hard!" Here I sit, drawing the oddest blank and I dislike that very much. What reason do I have to write? All I want to do is believe, never allowing the faith to die. I can do this. I'll be fine. I'm not too sure what exactly I'm doing, but I can do it. Letting someone go about their way should not be too hard, yet it is. Now he can either walk to me, or away from me. I guess I'm afraid he'll choose away. But I'll try my best to stay strong no matter what.

Waiting For.

I'm waiting for Providence to kick in. It's the one thing I can truly count on to get me through the storms. I know that I have dreamed and imagined my entire life, but I'm still one for surprises. I'm letting go but still holding onto hope. Allowing what is to be to simply be. I'm making attempts to run in the wrong direction just so I can be shoved to run the right direction. I'm making plans to ignore what I love to be screamed at to love again. Not because I want to run away or ignore my heart, but because I want to know if I was ever on that straight path in the first place. Have I made turns, have I swerved, or have I come to a stop? Or have I truly been reading all signs correctly down the narrow and straight path?

I'm waiting for what's meant to be to stare at me in the face. I'm waiting to recognize such a beautiful sight to its fullest and most genuine features. I shall come to accept that I could very well lose what I have come to truly love. And although many tears have been shed due to such a matter, I still trust in God. I continue walking forward, whether it be baby steps, or leaps of faith. I find that reason to smile and I use it. 

I'm waiting for the most wonderful thing to happen. The second before all hope seems lost and the very last step before a fall. I'm waiting for the "im" in impossible to vanish away completely. I'm standing on the very edge of a cliff with the faith that I cannot and will not fall. May time make its way through all of this, steady and subtle. I trust that if I heard correctly...I am not making a mistake. And the answer will indeed return.

I loved you enough to let you go.

A Shelter.

I vaguely remember the warmth and comfort inside that solid place. My mind digs extremely deep for such details. If only I could run back in time and enjoy it for what it was. I had no idea it'd be stripped from my life shortly after. I regret I ever let go when I was wrapped inside. Just to be back in that shelter in the middle of everything is now simply a dream. I should have locked myself in and misplaced the key. But here I am, standing in the rain.

I wasn't blind when the pushing began. In fact, I wasn't blind throughout the process of loving you. When you were silent, I was pondering you. I was determined to figure all of this out and write out every little detail. But then I realized there wasn't much to figure out. Because this whole time you only forgot how to be the shelter that you were meant to be. You disbelieved what I saw plainly. You gave yourself no credit for what you did beautifully. The man you were meant to be was doubted by his very self. But I wasted no time doubting such a thing.

Although the feeling is such a blur, I know I'll remember it when it comes back. Somewhere deep in my mind I've memorized the scratches on the wall inside. I know the texture, I know the temperature; if there's one thing I cannot subconsciously forget, it's your comfort. When that day comes that you realize how truly strong you are, I pray you have open arms. And into your reach I will fall and into my arms you will stay. There are no set of arms I would rather trust myself in than yours.

(But I would really hate it if you hugged me.)

The Obliteration of Myself.

You should probably remove your entire being directly out of my life if you don't want me feeling this way. Because if you do that, I will surely become a wreck. Every piece to my heart will float into a sea of pain and I'll become useless. You can dismiss it all and walk away slowly but confidently. The best thing that ever happened to me would become the worst thing to ever leave. And the best thing that happened to you would be the obliteration of myself. Although, I might just be over-thinking this entire situation at hand. Trust me, I am pouring buckets of water inside this boat of a story. Because in reality, it's not really sinking.

In fact, I cannot find a single reason why your removal would make sense. It seems to have no purpose at all, actually. You leaving wouldn't solve anything but a sorrowless problem. We've something good going on, otherwise I wouldn't spend my time pondering it. But it's a good-bye I just never want to give. If you can never see something beautiful with us in the future, then I know a good-bye is sure to come. But that, my dear, is what I hope you'll soon realize will be the most terrible mistake to make. Why kill the possibility of forever?

Bring Me Back to You.

God, I miss You. I used to be so close to You, in which I talked to You so much more. I read Your word, I gained wisdom, and I had the strength to carry on. But somehow I forgot to give You that much time lately. Now I'm laying on the floor in weakness and I need You the most right now. I don't know how to stand on my own two feet and I don't like where I'm at. I glance at my entire present life and I frown upon it. Why have I gotten this far down? You see, the only reason I have comfort is because when I cry, I know You're catching my every tear and You have not forgotten me.

Please give me the strength to stand up and bring me something new. Please transform my life, God, with Your love and mercy. Change what breaks me and fix what pulls me away from You. Take out what causes me to produce bad fruit and plant seeds of life in me. Allow me to not keep silent, but to speak Your name to those that have ears to hear. Give me hope when I see none and give me love when I have none. Grant me more faith when I doubt and open my eyes when I close them. Protect me when I walk in a dark place and lead me to the light.

I believe that love truly does never fail. I still want to continue on where You've placed me and I just need You the most. I'd rather lose the world than lose You. Guide me to where You truly want me and help me to understand Your will. Transform the lives around me and bring them to You. Bring into my life a friend I can spill my heart out to about You. Mend my broken heart so it can keep beating for You. Don't let my faith, hope, and love go unnoticed.

Please knock on his heart until he answers.

Keep Going.

Dear Self,

Just keep going. I know you're weak and you're tired, but do not lose hope. Crawl your way to the end until you've absolutely used up everything that you have. God is on your side and He will not leave you nor forsake you. Continue loving as He has taught you. Continue caring for those around you. Continue listening to your calling and doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do. When you feel down, pray. You're where you are at for a reason. So grow where you are planted.

Sincerely,
Me

Still Holding On.

I have a tendency to forget to push you when you're around. But when you're away I'm crying over how I'm still holding on because I can't find it in my heart to break this. I know what we have is good, and quite a miracle we even have it. But how do I continue on as strong as you? It's as if I'm pretending all is well when truthfully, deep inside, I am quite a vast mess. I'm running and running out of breath. Every step I take, I'm crying to God for strength. I used to take more steps than I do now before falling. I'm too weak to stay, but even more weak to leave.

But I want to show you that I love you enough to let you go. To allow you to go the way you want to go, whether I  be in your story or not. I'll always be here for you though. You can trust that my hand will stay opened. And at any moment you can take my reach and come back. I'll be looking for the perfect words, even though I may never find them. I'll continue this walk and if I glance back for just a second, I'll always hope your smile finds my eyes. When I shed a tear, just know your reflection will make them come alive. I will not forget you if you run away.

I'll keep holding on.

You Tolerate Too Much.

You tolerate too much of me and I even more of you. It's hard not to see what I see. I've accomplished the eyes of faith, seeing what is not visible. Who would have known you held the proper patience this whole time?

Eight Days.

In approximately eight days away from this very writing I will be considered twenty years of age. Thoughts like what I'll be doing to celebrate, or who I'd like to see are what cross my mind. But speeding it's way through right into my face of mind I see what I truly desire. Maybe about two things are on my list. You see, I missed it last year. And the year before. But now would be a really nice time to hint such a gift. I'ven't spoken a word on it, but eventually I might.

In these eight days that I will be waiting, I'm not quite sure how I'll spend them. Nineteen is such an awkward age. You're an adult, but you're also a teen. This age has brought me the beginning of building blocks, but it sure hasn't brought be a building. What I hope for when twenty comes around is a rooftop. I suppose that's asking for a lot, but then again, I've secretly been asking for it for my last two birthdays. I am in fact most thankful that I've lived this long while still maintaining a smile here and there. Because in eight days I'll be creating a new smile.

I decided that when I turn twenty, my life is changing.

A Little Rain.

Dearest weather, you read me well. You're capable of sunny days, but sometimes you understand it's time for a little rain. It's as if the water represents all the small things that we gather over time. As you soak in just enough, you pour it all out. No need to feel ashamed of shedding those tears though. I've come to understand you completely. You're aware that there is hope beyond the storm and I admire that. Because when these gray clouds pass, that sun will come shining through. And a promise is yet again fulfilled. You would not flood us.

I suppose I never needed to know how much I can bear. Seven months ago I felt at the end of my rope. Seven months ago I felt more weak than ever before. But seven months later, I made it. I doubted that patience and strength somehow, I know I did. But God proved me wrong and got me here anyway. I just needed to believe. I still believe. Past promises are not forgotten, they're just sometimes hidden away to be fulfilled on perfect timing. My promise has yet again been revealed to me and I will see to it that I persevere until it comes.

With God, all things are possible. ♥

Overly Happy.

You caught me and I didn't even know. You asked me why I was shaking. Would you expect me to tell you it was because of you, or could you just assume? I didn't know I was shaking though, trust me. I thought it was over because we were nearly at the end of our time spent. I should have been calm at that point. I like the extra hour we spent in your truck. Although I don't know anyone who lets me stall so long. I'll just blame you for making me so used to doing it. Maybe you were stalling too though. Maybe you're not too bad after all.

I've never sat at a restaurant without looking at the menu for the first few minutes. The waitress came over three times before we actually gave the menu some attention. You see, it's little things like that in which I hold dearly. To be able to laugh over almost everything. Although I felt so overly happy this time. It was a bit harder for me to bring it down a notch with the whole smiling thing. But you quite went along with it very well. In fact, you seemed just as happy. Let's just face it. You bring out the best in me, in which I notice the best in you.

I guess I love you. :)

I Can Tell You Now.

I can tell you how I'll feel before I even see you. I know exactly what I'll be thinking and what things you say that will highly affect me. Sadly, I am much too used to this cycle. We ride around it like a playlist on loop. I've come to dream to hear a new song, but I won't jump to something new without you.

When I see you, I am going to feel nervous. I get anxious right before you arrive and I calm myself by taking deep breaths. When I see you, one million thoughts will cross my mind at once. Then I'll act like I'm being what you call normal and spit out words just to remain calm. I won't be calm at all though, I can tell you that. My hands might shake a little as I hide them so you don't notice. You'll look happy, you'll be smiling, and you'll be acting completely normal since it's easy for you. Nothing will be happening with you the way it will be with me and I'll be thinking about that too. Traveling deep into my heart I'll  be taking note on that and it'll stab me slightly and I'll add it to my jar of reasons to cry. Once I receive enough reasons, that jar will explode later on when you're gone.

We'll eat together and it'll feel so special. Everyone around us might assume we're a couple and I'll realize I'm thinking of their thoughts too. I'll try my best to ignore that and I'll enjoy your company. Then I'll look into your eyes and remember what we're not. You see, I'm horrible at this. And the only way for it to stop, the only way for me to not react this way is to leave you. To never see you again and pretend like our friendship never existed. Of course, I cannot escape what pain that would bring me unless I chose to ignore that too. But it is impossible for the human mind to choose to forget something that previously meant a lot.

When you leave and drive away, I'll watch you. I'll realize how great I felt around you and take a deep breath before sighing it off. I'll slowly walk inside, looking around the tiny house, and as I walk to my room, I'll tear up. I'll sit in the silence and eventually the tears will pour harshly down my face. I'll cry out to God, asking for yet another dose of strength and faith and stand back up. Once the crying stops, I'll continue on and ask how you're doing each day until I see you again. I'll love you no matter what and I'll wait even if I'm waiting for a long time.

But who knows. Maybe you'll prove me wrong tomorrow. Maybe you'll give us a new playlist. Either way, I'll sing along.

A Letter to a Feeling of Failure.

Dear Feeling of Failure,

Please depart from me. You depress me beyond measure and I've come to really dislike you. You tell me I've lost the game while it's still going. As if I've lost what I found before it could even leave. Maybe it's not going to leave; what right do you have to spit on me? I intend to resist you and ignore you. But I'd much appreciate it if you walked away altogether.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

Unidentifiable.

You've this way about you that I cannot quite identify yet. Not that I've tried. I ponder upon it every so often, wondering how someone like you can exist in my world. It always somehow felt, if not just subconsciously, like the perfect touch to my life. I remember you when I first discovered your eyes. We were quite young, but we only got younger. Of course, I had no idea what would happen ahead in time. You were just that young man who forced conversation toward me, but I grew to appreciate it. Even if I kept that fact hidden at the time. Perhaps for the first time I felt noticed in a much different way. You gave me something I clandestinely knew I craved.

Trying to explain you is like trying to explain the texture of air. That description merely cannot occur, for it's just something you feel. And maybe that's what this has been this entire time. Maybe you've become like the wind to me. I wish it had an appearance to capture into words, but it does not. I've always wondered if you could tell I've looked into your eyes for more reasons than one. There's a mixture of pain and love, so hard to ignore. I've the willingness to let you go, but the strength I know not. I'd whisper a good-bye and let you go on in that life you live. I might only hold you down and I'm afraid to see you hurt me. I have a fear that you might commit such an action that will break my heart into a million pieces and I try so very hard to erase such a thought. I ignore it quite well though, especially when we're happy.

You serve a purpose in my life and it's the very reason why we ever met. I knew not that our worlds would collide upon our first meet. But the most tender part of my heart is highly glad that it did. For you to see this and feel this would be the only way to transfer the unspoken knowledge I've gained. You have the power to be even better and greater as a human being. And if I am allowed, I'd love to accompany you along your journey through life. Just to see you smile over and over again.

When I'm Around You.

I'll be honest with you. I tried to knock on the door in calmness and wait for your face to appear on the other side upon the opening. I tried to act what normal is said to be when I walked in. I tried to ignore those tiny thoughts that scattered across my mind. I tried to give you the gifts I had with glee and saw that my hands were shaking. I tried to calm them, hoping you did not notice. I tried to pretend I was completely fine, just like you seemed to be. My mind, my heartbeat, it was on a fast track and I could not slow it down enough. I tried to expand the time somehow to become much longer because I knew I was happy there.

When I left, I hated it. I wanted to run back and have ice cream with you. I know it may not be what I dream it to be, but it's something nonetheless. I only cry because I wish you understood and saw what I saw. I try to control this as best as I could because I'm so used to it. I control it without thinking. But I think about it the whole entire time. I enjoy your company with the constant thought that I love you. I ponder on your entity, wishing I could take care of it for the rest of your life. I dream to be your helper and you don't even know.

You may not see me the way I see you. But I guess I'm still glad you see me. I guess I'm still happy there's time. Just as long as you and I are alive. Just as long as my heart is still beating for you. There's time.

Ineffable.

There are no words. Because, you see, this is not something to understand, but to feel. If I were to attempt to explain, I'd fear it'd come off as not what I truly mean. It's something you'll only be able to find by looking long and hard into the windows to my soul. Just read me like a book like you always have. I cannot utter a single word from my heart for it is only spoken in silence.

I'm only capable of remembering in such detail all the wonderful memories we've ever created. I wish I could hold this in from you, but that'd only make me a liar. I'm not unmoved by your existence, I'm shaken. Through every battle we've ever been through, we've grown stronger. We only made it through it all because we were meant to. And I would not take back a moment between you and I, for every single one served a perfect purpose.

The answer is so simple, always staring me in the face. Yet it has become so very hard to comprehend because I tried too hard. All I need to do is let go and let God. I'll continue to search for words for you, but you'll only ever understand when you feel it. See, it's inside of my heart, somewhere planted. Your smile waters it and it cannot help but grow from there. I love you with all that I have and I want to. Because when I'm ever torn and beaten from life's daggers, I discover your honest and sincere care. All that you've become to me has proven to be ineffable.

♥

Awaiting Delivery.

I've eagerly waited at the door from time to time. Checking every so often, wondering when my package will arrive. See, I was promised to receive it, and I believe it. I keep hoping each day it's finally time, but I'm very willing to wait for this particular gift. It's traveling its way to my doorstep, I know that it is. And although it has taken a much long time, I will keep waiting. My heart has grown the understanding that the most amazing things in life tend to take the most time. But in the end, they will always be worth it. As I peak outside the window, waiting for the small yet vast package to arrive, I know it'll come at the most perfect time I cannot imagine.

It'll be neither early, nor late.

I Should Not Have Written This.

I should not have visited you. I should have kept away and pretended I'd never see you again. I should not have laughed or smiled in your very presence. I should not have enjoyed what seemed like hours but only lasted minutes. I should not have been so happy over that tiny visit. I should not have driven away. I should not have left. I should not have cried that night when I remembered your smile.

My memory served me correctly--that I love you. Being there with you, if for just a moment, I knew exactly what my heart pleaded for. As much as I wish I could tend to its cry, I have no idea how. When I left, I wanted to turn around and go back. I had missed you too much. But I hope I placed in your hands the very existence of my care. Coming home, you see, I entered the life without you. I realized it again, I stared it in the face, and I loathed it. I cried because I wish you were in it the way I imagine you could be.

I got everything you wanted me to have to serve as a distraction. Overwhelmed I was, do not get me wrong, to be put in places I prayed for. Yet I still cry for you. I still feel the emptiness of your absence. But I'm still trying to pretend this isn't so, showing the strength I only think I still have. My hope refuses to run away from me. I make it one day at a time. Every single day you are comfortably on my mind, as if you have nowhere else to be. My smile is equal to my frown. Because even though you're not holding my hand, you're holding my heart. And even though you're not holding me close, I'm holding you close. Inevitably I weep upon the matter at hand but I cannot just walk away.

I should not have visited you because now I ache more harshly to see you again. I should have kept away and pretended I'd never see you again so that I'd silently cry myself away from your life. I should not have laughed or smiled in your very presence so you would not see that I love you. I should not have enjoyed those tiny minutes so you'd know I did not feel this way (but I do). I should not have driven away so I could have stayed with you just a little longer. I should not have left because I love you. I should not have cried that night when I remembered your smile because you are indeed still in my life.

You're all I can think of, and I wish I did not ignore my urge to hug you when you were standing right in front of me.

Colloquy of Heart to Confession.

Dear You,

I'm not sure you realize this, but your eyes are witnessing what you've lit on fire. You see, you planted this tiny seed inside my fingers allowing it to grow with the necessary water you provided. They took flight and soared across the alphabet, arranging pictures of words. Somehow you made a painting out of this and I enjoyed it entirely so. I still do. I've a candle burning to stay lit when the moon spends the night above us. You're in the painting you so dearly placed in my imagination. I suppose it would be impossible to thank you enough.

Your vision is embedded into the sole discretion of my heart. You see right through my eyes and through my mind all the way down to my fingertips. I pour out your inspiration and dedication to never leaving my simplistic creativity. Although I remain unsure if you are aware of this. Quite much time ago you opened a box with a screaming voice and it has made its way outside and into my world. It begged intensely for quite a time ago and shall now thank you beyond measure for setting it free.

So although I'm unsure whether you realize this or not, you deserve more than a reward. Your entire being has served such a vast purpose with my very existence. The path that led you to speak out volumes into my hearing was so perfectly planned. So that a decent time later I would be writing out into the alphabetic clouds a story of my very growth from dull to excellence. Words would form like flowers in a garden that you tenderly took care of. My greatest and most sincere gratitude of this favor you have done for me. I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.

Sincerely,
The Inspired

Hungry Eyes.

He stared at me with his hungry eyes and it disgusted me. I felt so misplaced, so uncomfortable. He acted like he was in the right and flashed a smile that pleased me not. I knew what was on his mind and I wish he removed it. He tried to say every right word as well as finding every single thing he can to have in common with me. His effort was pointless, but he kept at it. He acted like he knew exactly what would happen, but yet he knew nothing at all. I had no intention to give in or enjoy what displeased me. I only longed to be somewhere else where I would be a someone instead of a something.

I never dreamed of this before, nor did I desire it in any way. This was something I avoided. I was ashamed for every single starving pair of eyes that ever crossed my path. I knew there was more than this in a sea of fish. I'll patiently dismiss all who only see my face. I crave deep and hard for the one who is capable of traveling into my heart to discover what's genuine. There will be no need to try so very hard, for he will not have to try at all. He will paint smiles on my face quite easily and place laughter upon us. He will scream in a room of silence by doing nothing at all. I will see him walk in and I will know exactly what I had been hoping for. He will be the image that I tried making out years ago--clear and crisp.

And I will love him.

What is, is Could Be.

Sometimes I do wish that I could explain with the most perfect words you've ever heard before. I'd tell you how entirely wonderful it feels to have you seated directly across from me. You see, you're someone else to the world. Someone unknown and so hidden in an open way. They know not what you're capable of designing and painting. The art of your smile deserves the attention, but worry not, I'll pay it all of mine. You've a way of directing the music I'm able to produce. Through melody we have communication going on here and an intense amount of joy on my part. Your eyes have this way of taking the dance floor while mine join along. They desire deeply to begin such a dance and I cannot blink them to stop. 


I know in your heart there's a simple beat for me. Somewhere tucked nicely beneath the surface it's making motion. But your complicated mind will not give up on pulling you away. And in your pull, you're pushing me as I forgive you for each bruise. You cannot fake that sparkle I see, nor the pulse in your laughter. I'm too afraid to just pass this up, in fear that one day you'll understand and you'll lose me. As a selfless act, I'm sticking around until the end of this. I'll overcome my insecurities as you become true, honest, and sincere. Please do so serve me a favor and make my unconditional love a promise.


You assumed I imagined a future with us. Of course, your assumption was correct. Simply because I could not dare imagine a future without you. My imagination becomes mirthful with the thought of you. I shall not force anything upon you, I just want you to understand. I've the faith to move an entire mountain, but I'm still climbing one at the moment. Do not take offense that I have much  hope. We're capable of the impossible and the existence of specialty. 


Give me a chance to prove to you that I can indeed love you for the rest of my entire life. Just let me love you.

Night's Bride.

It was incredibly bright last night. I was unaware that it was staring at me until I crawled over and lifted the blinds. Upon opening the window, the cool breeze swept me away into a mind daze, where every thought danced their ways around me. I remembered those simple words that were whispered to me quite a long while back. As I gazed long and hard at what shined down on me, I allowed the tiny tears to break through. I'm so very small compared to the colossal world around me. There is so much more than what I can see.

Its light was the very reflection of the sun. For in the night, when all went dark, there was still a light provided for us to see. It caused me to believe we as people could reflect such light to those who got lost in the dark. And all I wanted to be was just like the beautiful diamond in the sky.

One particular soul lives comfortably in the home of my heart, and I want to prove to have built the best place to dwell in. I never want to cease to love, nor do I want to breathe a lie. Where he abides, I shall tend to. I may not have dreamed this years ago, but I find myself greatly thankful. I know this requires the most selfless attitude to persist, but I will swim an entire ocean to do so. I give all my strength to be used for this and all my patience as well. I want to be used until I've done my absolute best. And then some.

The brightness was beautiful to linger on. It was night's bride, so pure and promising. My eyes could dance for hours looking up at the innocence of its existence. It consists of the very light that finds us at dawn. I know of only one thing that proves to be more beautiful: what I chose to shine for.

I Stand Back Up For You.

Do you know what I thought of the moment my hands hit the ground? Do you know what I saw when I ever so harshly closed my eyes? My heart pounded much faster than its comfort zone. Perhaps you forgot how fast I got back up on my feet. Maybe you didn't notice that I found my perfect solution to each cry. Or maybe you just looked away the moment I stood to my feet and continued on. Because you see, I've gone out of my way to straighten my priorities. You happen to sit nicely near the top and to push you away would spell selfish across my face.

The moment my hands hit the ground, I thought of you. What I saw when I closed my eyes was your indescribable smile. And I know you may not understand, and you may think that I am only hurting myself. But, my dear, I am not. For I am growing beyond what you can imagine and I'm loving you just the way you are. You became my true test. I only desired that I would ace this test because I do love you.

Unfortunately for me, I'm not quite sure you've chosen to love me for me. And although I want to believe it with my entire heart, I fear our situation was twisted in unintentional ways. I am who I am just as much as you are who you are. And I only wish you'd love me just the same as I love you. Somehow though, I will be silently scolded by you. You've whispered into my heart that I will not be receiving the respect you used to have. I chose to look beyond that, I chose to forgive you and forget it. And as it quietly haunts my mind, I still have enough faith to believe that you did not mean it.

Maybe you've pushed me outside of your heart because you were afraid of how close I got to it. Maybe you're so apprehensive to feel any type of guilt that you pretend none of this matters. But it does matter, you see. You do care. And at the small, tiny moment that you realized it, you ran to a hiding place. This is not what you want, yet it was happening to you. So you put me softly on the other side of your wall so that I cannot touch you. I went along with it and I stood smiling at you through the window just to keep a friendship with you. And from that distance, I was just glad to see you smile in return.

Darling, you do not need to pretend anymore. Please just promise me you will not throw away what we both secretly know we've created. Our roots are too deep, and I'm just not strong enough to dig them out. For I'm hardly strong enough to be strong in front of you. But when you look at me, my tears are much too afraid to meet you. But I sincerely do wish that if they ever escape my eyes, you will know then that I truly do love you. Just enough to fall a part for you.

I stand right back up to continue on so I can see you happy.
Again.

Dream He.

It's a battle to fall ever so gently in love with an imaginary creation. Exiting earth and into an almost perfect world, everything just changes. Attention received no payment from me in my world of reality. I was short of such cash, after all. My dreams were set in stone, and I somehow lived them. I found the most beautiful set of eyes because of this. I placed this wonderful soul on such high priority in my life--under God, of course. I knew it was my mere imagination, but I had high hopes he had a twin in reality.

I was determined to allow my love to burst all over him when I discovered who he really was. I intended to waste no time on the unworthy. But day by day I was craving too harshly and I had to let this go. I did not want to get stuck inside a dream and miss out on what just might be staring me in the face. So therefore, I stepped out for awhile. The world was horrible. I forgot how much I disliked being in it. But I continued on. Often I'd glance back at my dream, sigh, and continue on.

Somewhere along the line of living in reality, I gave up my dream to settle for something different. And as I did so, I lost my sense of knowing what was really inside the depths of my heart. I went back and I changed my imaginary creation. I compromised, yet scratched up my long-lost fantasy. I found myself on the ground, crying in utter pain. I still loved what I imagined was him and I could not be satisfied with what was less than he. I had not found him and I would not stop looking.

Back at where I started, I got lost in reverie. But this time I controlled it. I would be satisfied without so he can come along unknowingly. My dream would have no ability to hide from me, and it would exist in a perfect way. A way I would never have been able to write. A way I would never have been able to guess. A story I could not think of. But a story I would grow to understand.

He could not hide from me because I knew of just one thing. There is no hiding place behind a smile.

Vacuous.

I don't spend much time thinking about it. I've already come to the rightful conclusion that this is so much more. For if I spread a thought about it in my mind, it'll only burn me. But I have indeed considered the thought. So then I pretend that it shan't ever exist and dream the impossible instead. Yet somehow it'll find a way to slowly crawl its way somewhere deep inside my mind and try the technique of pulling me down, under, deep, suffocating my inevitable dreams. And in that very split second of a moment I fight it away and let my tears pour it out of me.

I'll consider those words; those small, little words that were placed gently in front of me. I'll pretend to put them into action and then I'll pretend they made a difference. I have in fact tried them. They were voided in just enough time, so I tried something else and just accepted my inner notion. Along the line came little signs of agreement to my portent. But with a slight turn back to that small little thought of those small little words in our small little world...I took it into consideration once again.

Unfortunately it has come back to me as vacuous.

Dear God.

Dear God,

You've brought someone very special into my life. It has caused me to take on the challenge to give to him an unconditional type of love. Although I often feel weak and am always relying on Your strength and Your strength alone lately. I still thank You tremendously for getting me through this one day at a time. I know You'll make a way in this storm so that I make it through completely. I've learned the important things in life, especially the small ones we tend to forget about. I look at each day as a new start to become better.

I pray with all the faith I have that You protect him in this world. That you bless him for his works and the blessing he has been in my life. Watch over him in the hard times and show him how great and amazing You really are. Don't let him become defeated, but give him strength. Please remind him daily how much You love him. If it be through me, I'll gladly do as You ask. Break my heart for what breaks Yours and let me shine.

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

I Composed.

They danced upon the keys so sweetly as if I had no control. My one-track mind soared alongside the melody playing deeply into my soul. Laying peacefully amongst my thoughts there were two sets of hands and a grand piano. A form of happiness found itself way to my fingers, and only moments later I was finishing off the song with contentment. I felt utterly proud of what I created to be and one immediate thought flew its way to my mind.

You would be proud of it.

Stop Ticking.

I could hear the ticking becoming louder and louder inside my head. For quite a while I've allowed myself to just overlook it. But each new day I'm realizing it's not going away. Now I dread the explosion, therefore my patience has become an additive to the time. Finding distractions, making schedules, it's this giant candy-coating process of my life. Would you rather me pretend I'm not going through this?

I am afraid. I am afraid to cut myself out of the battle, for it would serve a purpose of failure. I am afraid of my own emotions so I depend on hope to pull me through. You've pounded me to fix this and I pretended it did nothing to me. But in reality, you have put me on the ground. I feel like the only reason I must listen to your advice is to prove to you I can do it, but that it would not change the circumstances. Nor would it change the very reason why I was in need for help. I can very much so move on in life and become dependent. But buried beneath my surface and into my heart there's a calling for me. And as long as the situation we sit in remains so, I will constantly have the need to tend to it.

Why? Why must this break me? Why must I spend that time crying out for you at night? Sometimes I have utter guilt for anger over the matter and I just want to honestly tell you I love you. It is a strong tug at the most fragile part of my heart. If I were to run, I'd be pulled back. But here I am ticking away at the verge of exploding. I’ve spent enough time pretending this isn’t so, but I do not aspire to be fraudulent in my speech. But it is not your fault and never has been that I have developed this ticking bomb. I innocently walked into your life and you innocently walked into mine. I became faced with a trial, but it was my decision to fight it.

In due time it’ll all make sense. But for now, please forgive me if I explode. I might need you to put the pieces together again and start over.

Hopeful Sorrow.

Oh, how I sincerely wish I could relocate my knowledge into your brain to give you the understanding of my hopeful sorrow. Unfortunately you'll have to highly depend on my honesty and words I speak to you. Not that I've fully spoken, but that I desire to spread across the table my genuine heart. In my eyes there will be your exact reflection and down my cheek in a single tear you will fall. Upon the breaking of that tear drop a knock will exist on the very door of your own heart. I'll blink away the moment and a smile will overly try to paste itself to my face. As I swallow your tension away, I'll admit to you my undeniable hardships.

I've tried for this long, and I'm continuing to do so. To be strong when you push and content when you're away. But I'm ever too weak to not weep and I'm much too anxious over your desultory reticence. But in my affection you remain, rooted deep down beyond reach. And just to see you beam once again in my presence makes the waiting all the more worth it. You subconsciously treat my mind like a book, reading it until the end. Here I fail to keep in a secret and there you go deciphering it nonetheless. For the sake of the quintessence of our friendship, I long-suffer.

You see, my dear, I've already spent my time trying to figure this out. Just as much as I've spent my time understanding my calling. But in the wilderness of my tribulation I was pointed out and set aside to be a light in the darkness. I'll patiently wait for each new vicissitude and direction, for you are like a pearl in a pile of rocks. Shamelessly you shall stand in the direction of my gaze and lovingly I will call your name. I am commanded not only to love, but to consider your needs above my own. Must I remind you that God is love? I can already tell He has no intention to give up on calling you out.

In my compassion I'll keep you, and when I speak to you words of honesty, I know you'll listen. Say to me what you desire, but understand where you stand in my life. I keep you down in the deepest and most fragile and tender place. There you remain so unequivocally steadfast, resting in my heart. In my distress over our circumstances, in my lowest state of affliction, I'll look only into your eyes and tell you I'm trying. I know I see something most definitely different inside the windows upon your face. I cannot imagine the lamentation of a good-bye, for I do not desire that misery. I'll be sincere, you're like the prize at the end of a race. And if I must crawl my way to the end, I will.

I do not know what to do, but I am trying. Just hold on.

Us.

I should not have cried. But it's not too terribly bad that I did result to sorrow over our nonexistent matter. You see, I began thinking of breaking down into pieces in front of you. I know not what to say, and I know not what to do. Meanwhile I have this great hope that God is sorting it all out for us. He is where I leave my pain and gain my faith. But as I imagined looking you in the eyes and telling you I'm at a loss for actions concerning what hurts me, I cried in the dark.

I have a tendency to hold onto your sweater during these times. You left a part of you when you gave it to me. Somehow. I still can't fully understand how I managed to have that sweater in my possessions. Two years before I received it, I stole it. A day after that I became sick so I wore it. It gave me comfort in a very unexplainable way. Eventually I returned it to you and it was just never the same since. A year after, I had it again when I was much too cold to take it off before departing your car. Who would have thought that a year after that...you'd finally just let me keep it? But now, to my benefit, I treasure it.

I've seen our situation as a battle. Deep within that battle I know there's an enemy who wants not only to destroy me, but you too. I've decided to serve a God who is much stronger than that enemy and have taken the time to pray daily for you so that you may not be destroyed. It is during my prayers that I wish you were near. In those moments where I weep for you, I'm only hoping it's not over. Because even if the enemy wants you destroyed, I most certainly do not! And I will do all that I can to surround you with love. Not just from me, but from God. I've witnessed a man being called by being the one He asked to pray for him.

If I were to cut you off from my life, I'd fear our mutual pain. Because I know that deep down inside your tender beating heart, you care for me more than I can tell. And you're holding on almost as tight as I am. If the chains that hold me to you were to break, you'd feel it too. Behind the thought of saying good-bye to you follows the tears of losing my best friend. No, I do not understand how we got to this point with a live friendship. All I know though is that we did. Why was it so important that God had to sit us next to each other over three years ago? Ever since then it's been so easy to keep you around because He's managed to hook us. He's also made you quite appealing to me. I know it took time for me to really see that, but you're a beautiful sight in my eyes. I love you in the inside where it counts, and the outside where you smile.

I might have left something with you. But I'm not asking for it back.

Glance.

Oh dear eyes, why ever must you avert to your desired destination? I'm in complete control of you, yet you too often glance against my knowing. I’ve come to realize these fleeting looks you like giving though. It’s not that I’m angry over such actions, for my subconscious reasons explain why. Perhaps you’re yearning yet again for what is my fault. I’ve placed a beautiful treasure inside of my locked up heart and you know exactly where that key is. You desire to have it unlocked, free and open with happiness and joy. I completely apologize that I cannot tend to your needs as I wish I could.

You know what your target is, I can tell. It’s almost like a magnetic force has found its way to your grasp. I look away and you begin seeking, searching, screaming. It’s as if it’s your oxygen to set your gaze on that objective. But I’m never sure how much I can handle. You make me feel weak, for I cannot hold you back. Your vision is set, although I know I have no choice but to try and keep up with you.

I’m at a loss of words that I cannot comfort you when you stare long and hard at what tugs my heart. You flood yourself during this gaze and I take control to shut it all out. But see, I cannot shut it out, for it becomes strong inside my mind. Your waters are being poured out upon me and I cannot help you. My heart still beats, but I’m not quite sure how. I know you’ll still glance; you’ll still ponder that existence you love. But if for just a glimpse, may the floods break the dam I never meant to build.

The One Thing in My Life.

The overact of caring comes from the indescribable effect of the need to love. Every scratch, every slap, every bruise, and every sting drifts off into the past of forgotten faults. Each word that flows out of my mouth and into your ears is finally too late to keep silent. I only held it in so that it'd burst out when it had to. I've become this person in your life that never knew the need to try so very hard to become better. It has become and remained tough for one simple reason--I have accepted you.

Along acceptance became tears to describe my true feelings. To look at a human being who looks exactly who I'd desire to spend my entire life with and see a wall right in front of him. Along came signs and words spoken in my mind so loudly that I grew hope that the reality of now was temporary. Each and every passing day I remained staring at that wall, my heart slightly cracking along the way.

It has become the one thing in my life that I want to hold on to so that I never give up. To wonder why I received such signs and to think it's not over. The many times I've felt like letting go and giving up, I could not. Something always told me that it is not over. I saw this as a battle, a fight, for something great, something true. I wanted to fight it with my whole heart. To love and learn from it all. It has become a challenge and I do not want to fail.

I never did get my chance to become something special. I remained thankful for just a friendship. I accept where I stand. I'll love that very human being just the way he is. But I'll continue to meanwhile hope that we've not discovered the true meaning of our purposes. If I receive yet another sign that leads me to you, I'll go through the heartbreak of still accepting our reality. Our two different views on love may not be that much different. But the love I've come to know is what lead me to keeping you around. And loving you just the way you are. :)

The Walk.

More from my story I wrote at age 15! This is toward the end!

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"Are you cold?" he so tenderly asked.

"No, not at all," she lied, shivering more as the breeze tickled her skin.

"I think you are," he smiled, poking his finger on her bare arm. Her hair stuck up like sticks and bumps arose all over. Yes, she was cold all right.

She lifted her mouth and looked down at her arm. "Maybe a little," she admitted, blinking back up at him.

His brown hair ruffled in the wind, looking so soft and touchable. The edge of his shirt moved and jerked to the strong breeze.

"I'd offer you my jacket, but..." He held out his arms and looked down, as if to say it's obvious he doesn't have a jacket. His smile warmed her anyway.

"I'm fine." She looked out at the sun that was setting. He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at it at the same time. She lightly let go of his hand and ran it up his bare arm. His sleeves went to his elbows, where she stopped and noticed a scar on his upper forearm. Though she wondered how he got it, she tried not to think about it at the moment.

Stephanie smiled and looked back and up at him. "Thanks for taking me to see this. It's so pretty." He looked back at her and turned his whole body towards to face her.

"I knew you'd like it. All these months I wanted to take you to see the sunset. This just had to be the best place." Matthew gazed down at her.

She looked up at the stars and the moon and inhaled the scent of fresh air. Stephanie listened to the sound of the breeze and the waves crashing. Almost like a soothing melody to put her to sleep.

"When life seems so perfect in the perfect moment...it's hard to think we live in an imperfect world." His voice was like the wind, soothing and relaxing.

Miss You.

It was bright in front of me. How could there be any lies hidden behind it? Perhaps pain is a form of happiness. Or maybe just an effect. It's a worthy type of pain though. Just to cry over how happy you were for the moment you watch playing over and over in your head. I refuse to believe any happiness on your part was fake. Your smile was too bright.

It's a sad tragedy that your absence is unbearable. I might find it impossible to completely dismiss you out of my mind. You practically live there now. If I must say good-bye to you, I will. But I promise you one thing. I will most definitely miss you more as I continue to hope you hate it. But what is to happen shall happen and I will have no control over the matter. It's a good thing that I love you.

So that if you miss me...I'll be waiting for you.

Butterfly Birds.

I remembered those butterflies. I recognized them quite well. Although they were more like birds. A lot of them. Flying across the sky like gravity can't even touch them. These butterfly birds never really did leave my stomach. They'll have their time to sleep, but they're often awake. I didn't quite notice their attachment when they first arrived. But they're making their way to three years here. The refusal to be replaced is quite strong. Possibly against my willpower anyhow. It'd break my heart to have to let them go and watch them leave though. Therefore their comfort is much welcome. It's every time he's near that they fly...

If You Choose to Say Good-Bye.

You hide your face from me and I know you do. You're holding secrets again because you're afraid to see my reaction. But I think that's fair, for I'm afraid of it too. I'll avoid your gaze because you'll read my eyes too easily. I'm at the point of forcing myself to hold on because it's not coming naturally. Now I sincerely hate this in a way that I might regret, but I'm risking that. Perhaps you lied to me unintentionally because your point has not been proved. There may be slight gravity during your good days, but the pulling hurts during the other days.

So now we're repeating the past, as you hide everything you're ashamed of from me. I know not, I ask not, and I certainly judge not. If only you had the guts to push me away instead of quietly leaving me here without any further knowledge as to how you feel. Go ahead and blame my emotions for this ridiculous reaction to nothing. You may very well begin to hate me, but I will most definitely remember to love you. It has become the hardest decision I've ever kept.

I keep thanking you for the small things because it helps me forget reality. I think I've almost completely lost the you I knew. But sadly, it has caused no joy. You laugh at different jokes, you smile at different people, and you listen to a different melody. Why do I try staying in your world when you're clearly moving out? I fear I'll begin to miss our song and I'm not quite sure I want to do that at the moment. But yet now I'm bottling up all the pain and sorrow I've gained in the amount of time we've not talked so deeply.

My friendship does not have to be yours anymore. Then you'll lack the risk of abusing it more and more. You don't have to make any effort to keep it. I won't quietly be next to you. I won't know what you do. I almost don't know anything even with our friendship. I'll stop writing you letters and giving you gifts. I'll walk out the door I came in just as quietly as I had entered over three years ago. You'll continue on in your life the way you want to, whether you get hurt or not. And when everyone has failed you and no one can love you properly the way you should be loved...

Then I'll wish I never had given you the option to say good-bye to me...

Gravity.

Gravity means we weren't meant to fly away. A force keeps us grounded on where we are at. We jump up, we come back down. We rise, we fall. It's this tug at our hearts when we try to escape where we're meant to be. Why must it be so powerful? I now only tug just to see if it still has its same effect and it does. The more powerful it becomes, the weaker I grow trying to go against it. But only a few failed attempts later, I'm right back where I started.

You may push me away, but I shall apologize for my constant returns. Your gravity is the one to blame, but you're not too terrible to return to. This force is obviously created by your addictive aroma. When I do get disappointed, you too easily turn beautiful all over again. Your words have hooks, and they fly from your mouth and into my heart. I turn my eyes away for but a moment, then straight back at you they become.

I cry to understand what my heart's trying to tell me. Only the tears can explain its full explanation. Do you laugh at my torture? Am I the only one trying to understand this gravity? I'm searching deep and far to discover the puzzle we're in. All the while I'm growing to love you a lot more than I had imagined. Only because I never imagined it on our first day. I cannot stop what is happening, and I only wish we both woke up with a different situation.

My greatest and sincere apologies that I am incapable of fully grasping the honest truth with you. Each time I try I fail miserably upon the breaking of my heart. I'm too scared to stare into that door that I turn away all too quickly. It makes almost no sense at all to me and I wish I didn't have to understand. But I've promised to love you and nothing you can do will stop me. From your very eyes to the deepest part of your heart, I will love you. Even if you are never to ever return this commitment and faithfulness.

Your gravity is the best force I've ever walked into. Beside all the pain and sorrow that follows, every magnificent moment spent with your entire being truly makes up for it. The good overpowers the bad in far more ways than one. I cannot lie to you and pretend that this is not all true behind my eyes. You may very well read me like a book, granted I do not turn my gaze. Please understand with genuineness that I will not be walking away. I've decided I do not want to give up. Whether it takes one day, or a lifetime, I will be waiting for you. Because as long as I'm around in your life, I will always want to be that one person who loves you unconditionally. I cannot bear the thought of losing you to someone who was not challenged to love you like I have been. I cannot bear the thought of losing you to someone you made it easy for. And I cannot bear the thought of losing you to someone....who later realized they couldn't love you if you did not feel the same.

I desire a future with you always in it, and I'm willing to love you even if you do not desire the same with me.

I shall thank the power of gravity that I have not walked away from you.

His Smile.

She liked his smile. She tried complimenting him through his hand brushed back hair. The sun was practically set and the sky was a gray-blue. But he still shined to her while their eyes greeted each other and conversed. She playfully walked around him and he purposely stopped in his tracks when she was directly behind him. She knew he'd do it, but it shocked her anyway. They continued their walk with random laughter and awkward comments.

She knows he comes across to her in ways that aren't exactly true. It always looks the way it isn't when they're happy. It may be partially true, but perhaps its not her place to determine that until he proves she's wrong. But while she is around him, she forgets most of those facts that come to mind during his absence. She enjoys his company to its full extent. But when it's over, the cycle starts all over again.

When she causes his anger to appear, her heart cracks. Her immediate response is to reverse his feelings back to a better mood. Yet after all those moments go by and his eyes go back to smiling, they laugh over the tiff that happened. It is the part of their bond she values the most and too often forgets. The true forgiveness that should never leave their friendship. Maybe it plays the biggest role in what keeps them in each other's lives. Maybe it's one of the greatest reasons why they can still be happy.

At the end of the night she thanks him for all the things they did that day. He thanks her back and she slowly stalls her way out of his car. But the moment before she closes the door to head inside her house, she always remembers his smile. Walking away from that one special treasure she found, a part of her leaves with him. She often looks back to watch him drive away.

He is the diamond you do not want to lose, nor break. The item you find in a store that you cannot put down. He is the perfect decoration to her life, and to remove him from this spot is the very equaling to death. His eyes are windows to the most beautiful home. His touch is that split second of strength and comfort, and the effects of a burning flame. The love that remains in her lungs keeps her breathing, and she cannot stop. His presence is this magnetic force and her opposite end attracts. Everywhere he goes, she feels this tug. And the further he runs, the harder it pulls.

The chains that keep her here are hardly noticeable for him. He is not tied to her, but she is tied to him. No matter what he does, what he says, and where he goes, she loves him. In every situation, every argument, every painful word he might speak, she loves him. In every scream, every hit, every stab in her heart, she loves him. In every smile, every compliment, every gift, she loves him. There is nothing he can ever do to cause her to completely stop.

She liked his smile. Because it was directly at her.

Indestructible.

Indestructible | May 15, 2010

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

There may be bruises, cuts, scabs, and blisters, but they always heal. And as long as they can heal, it’s meant to stay alive. So why shall we try to destroy it? What gives us that want to just end what is good? Perhaps the confusion of why something so good hurts so much? Because it’s not the way it feels like it is? Because your heart feels so close to bursting? But yet you do not want to just let go. You fear more the pain of letting go than the pain of holding on. And you’d rather suffer just to keep that good thing around.

I may not understand why I couldn’t go through with it. Or maybe I do. Maybe I had the thought that if I took away what I gave you, you’d miss it. And as I’d slowly die inside, I’d miss it too. Maybe I wanted a reason to cherish it even more because I couldn’t handle it being gone. But you scared me. I had this fear that if I destroyed it now, you’d never let me get it back. If I couldn’t handle it, I was scared to think that I couldn’t get it back. It’s not what I wanted, to allow the bond we have to dissipate. If I could have one thing in the world forever, it would be you.

I felt completely lost waking up the next day. Soon enough I realized what happened and the tears started forming. I couldn’t say good-bye to you. I couldn’t throw away my most precious treasure. I’d rather suffer because I can’t fully have you than suffer because you’re never around. And yet we reminisced at random moments, and pointed out each other’s qualities. There was still little moments of laughter, and our reminder that we created something. So I cried and continued to do so because I love you. And it’s the only decision I even want to make.

You’re the one I never knew I wanted until it was shoved in my face. I find joy in the simple things we do. But I cry because I never want it to end. I never want it to get worse. And I never want to have to say good bye to everything we’ve created. You’ve placed reminders of yourself in every area of my life. You sit so comfortably in my heart and I can’t imagine anyone else taking that seat. You listen to me so intently when I talk, as if my say matters to you. I’ve come to very much appreciate that because I was never used to someone like you. Can you imagine how much more I just do not want to let you go?

I love you with my whole entire heart. Through the very good times, and the very bad. I always feel you deserve my patience and I could never be content without it. And as much as I want you happy, I’m too selfish to let you go. I’m too selfish to watch you walk away because I want to remain that person who always loves you. I want to love you, just so I can love you right. I feel so chained here in your life with no desire to abandon you. And I just cannot make that choice to destroy what we have. But as long as you want to keep it, know that I do love you.

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

May I Ask Why?

It's a pretend okay, not necessarily true contentment. I guess so, at least. If I ran away, would that solve all my problems? I can't even dream it away; I'm nightly reminded. The secrets I crave are worth the wait, but far long overdue. When I'm so low to the ground, I'm crawling, trying so completely hard to hold my head up and look forward. Moments after moments I pause that crawl and cry myself to reality. There I find a slap in the face and the war within me starts all over again.

I wake up the next day and continue to breathe. I occupy myself with things, which often turn into only just trying to find something. I smile when expected to, I laugh when alas! I am distracted. But the quiet steps I take, back at home and alone in my room speak to me volumes. The silence of my breath, the heaviness of my heart, it's unbearable. I turn on a low light, I take a deep breath, and sit myself upon my bed. After enough painful quietness, I allow my mind to take flight.

These chains I prayed away, these chains could only stay. Running is made hard, jerked back, I cannot do it. I look to God who knows me well and stare upward with tears. I weep and weep to Him, asking Him why...over and over again. Then I tell Him I want to keep fighting, I want to get up and walk. I don't want to give up in everything and fall down. But I admit my weakness and I seek His strength. I know that somehow He pours it down on me at that moment and as I fall asleep, He renews my strength.

Yet again I continue this cycle. And it always ends in "Why?" But that exact question puts me back on my feet... To continue on.

Dear Others.

Dear Others,

Please don't feel bad for me. I do look toward the bright side. We don't live hopeless lives unless we make them hopeless. And I know I go through pain and sorrow, and I spend days with weakness and tears. But it helps me feel stronger on the days I get back up again and continue forward. I wake up every day breathing, knowing I'm still here and that I must keep going. I don't need your worry or your doubt, just your happiness and encouragement.

Things happen in our lives for reasons, and we learn and grow from them all. I could have run away a long time ago, I could have walked out on my problems, but something always told me to stay. And as much as I could have gone anyway, I knew it'd only make me a failure. To run away from what serves a big purpose would be a total waste of life. So here I am, where I'm at, asking that you not feel bad.

I've grown, I've become stronger and more patient. I've learned lessons I didn't know I needed to learn. I've gained knowledge I didn't know existed. I've become this person I could have never imagined three years ago. And yet I still find happiness through my sadness, hope through my doubt. I'll stand for one of the greatest things there is. And that's love.

If you could see what I see, you'd understand. If you could feel what I feel, you'd see. If you could know what I know, you'd feel it too. Sometimes we're given big tasks with two options. To complete it, or automatically fail. I'd not dismiss the opportunity to keep loving someone despite their response actions.

I didn't search for him and he didn't find me. It just happened.

I don't even regret talking back. :)

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

Traces in the Clouds.

April 14, 2010

It found me and attacked me. I knew it would the moment I let myself be alone. My mind searched hard through my heart to find the reasons behind my sorrow. I keep feeling like I find exactly what breaks me into pieces completely. Each time I get up, I’m pushed down--over and over and over again. My body seems too weak to keep getting up that I find myself not wanting to get up. Soon the words “I can’t do this anymore” find their way to my mouth as I cry out. But I don’t want to walk away, nor do I want to run from my problems. I just want something to change for the better. I want some type of breakthrough in my life and in his. I don’t want our friendship to hurt like this.

It still hurts me, I will admit. It still causes deep pain to take in reality and to accept that he does not desire me the same. I try hard to ignore it around him, but each time I shatter more. In no way am I mad at him, nor do I blame him for this pain. I keep seeing perfection in our bond and that longing to stay with him forever. I’ve never allowed myself to completely feel this way with anyone, nor did I come close. But as I fulfill almost three years of him being in my life, I know I mean it. Nowhere would I be able to find a friendship like this. If anyone tried to top this friendship, they might find it almost impossible. We’ve gone through a lot, and we’ve had reason to learn a lot. We’ve grown over the years that I’d rather die than kill what we have.

I still enjoy the happiness around him, putting all hardship aside. I still love him in all the things that we do together. I still continuously want to help him out and encourage him to be happy. I still remember somehow of how his hugs felt--but I still crave to have at least one more. I wish with all that I have that the awkward feeling would just go away. All I seem to be able to do lately is try to feel okay around him, then return home and cry. Writing about it makes me feel like I’m letting some of it out to help me. But this seems to be all that I write about lately because this is how my heart speaks. But how much longer can I go on?

I found my low and felt completely weak on the floor. Tears left my eyes with the pain inside. The battle within me fights hard, but I fall to my knees. I don’t know how much more I can endure. I want to tell him, but I don’t want to hurt what’s still left. I don’t want to push him away, or cause him to run from me. But I don’t want to watch our friendship hurt. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore. I can’t seem to stand that long, as I find myself on the floor more lately. But then I look around to find things he’s provided for me and I cry because of how much I appreciate it. The things I’d never want to just stop one day. I cry thinking about how he bought us lunch and frozen yogurt. But I am not worth it.

WHY? WHY did this have to happen to ME? HOW must I carry on? WHAT do I do? I’ve guarded my heart my whole entire life. He cannot tell me to do that as if I don’t. Why must he act like I’ve brought this upon myself? That I have full control of what happens in my life? I’ve always been careful and still am to this day. I am much too picky to just allow anyone into my life. I forgot that I’ve been like this because of how much of our situation has occupied my mind. I did not even realize that I’ve not met anyone new that has been a big part in my life lately. God gave me Steven. He is the one He put into my life. Steven is the one who stayed and remains here this day. Steven is the one I talk to. Steven is my best friend.

[[Title is from the solo piano song I played while writing this.]]

What We Have.

I've pondered on what we have, from the very deep roots to the many branches. Hidden from the world, I cried at the thought of losing it. I am attached enough that it is no wonder I could not let go when I tried. I allowed each tear to fall for each thought I held. I felt them turn from warm to cold as I sit there in that dark closet. It is too special to dismiss and often I feel like I never look hard enough at what we've created. But this time I did.

What we have is a unique friendship, and yet the word friendship does not describe it well enough. I have become weak because I've discovered all my strength. I was stronger than I thought I was and I knew that when I used it all up. If we can still smile during an argument, it serves a purpose. Can you picture the first month of our friendship? I never realize how long ago it was until I take the time to remember.

One of the most special things to share with you is my passion for the piano. For the longest time I wondered if I'd find someone to play along with. Someone who appreciated my playing and gave me motivation to keep going. You found me when I almost lost that passion. For months I spent hardly any time playing. Somewhere along the line we got used to playing side by side. And honestly, it's the most precious thing I hold on to with you. To take that away from me would hurt greatly. I refuse to imagine letting it go. Only that would require holding onto you for the rest of my life.

I cried because you've become the exact person I failed to imagine long before. All the things I wanted turned into all the things I did not need. And all the things I needed I found just by knowing you. I know we have problems, I know our feelings clash. I know we see things differently, I know I'm in this alone. But a part of me has this intense hope that you'll realize what we have. Picture life without me. If you like it, have it. But if you don't, I'll be waiting here just to love you all the days of my life.

That's a promise.

You.

I am unsure of how to explain any further details of what is going on in my mind. I find myself lost in thought at the dinner table while staring down at the food I just prepared. There is no other breathing soul around me as I eat alone. Behind me I see outside, the clouds turning gray, hovering over me. Should this make me sad?

This has caused me to take note in what impact I've received. A total motivation to do things I never previously have taken the time to do. A feeling of appreciation and care. I've opened my mind to details I blurred at one time. I am speechless and overwhelmed by it all. But as the warm tears fill up my eyes and fall hastily down my cheeks, I am reminded of why I feel so alone in the moment.

I cannot get the thought of our laughter out of my mind. I think upon every good deed you've ever committed in my life. As I gaze at all that has existed because of you, I wonder why. Despite our situation, you have cared for me beyond what I could have imagined. Whether you've noticed this or not, it is in the utmost true. You care about my education, my talents, and my health. In the smallest ways, you've changed me. And in the largest ways, you've impacted my life for the better.

But I know what this has done to me. It has caused me to look upon you as someone very special. It has caused me to become happy over your presence. It has caused me to feel okay, just as long as I still have you around. To look at another human being and feel so understood. To know that as long as I have you, I will not have to worry about anything that comes my way.

I'm so sorry to have grown this attached to your personality. I thought over time that what's meant to be would be. Maybe I would have been able to move on as to not make you feel uncomfortable about me. I cannot explain to you why I found that route impossible. All that we've been through, all that we've done, however can I just walk away? You make me feel just right. I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you how hard this is, how often I look at the moon at night, wondering what God could possibly be doing right now.

I feel completely close to you because of our recent communication. You are a listening ear. A young man I can trust. But mostly...you have become my best friend.

You've complimented my writing, yet you're the number one reason that I write in the first place.

Possible Happiness.

You've turned my unhappy day into an amazing smile. Just to see everything seem to go wrong, but ending the day in laughter. I feel extremely better. Yet more motivation to become a better person in all that I do. I can't even find the perfect words to write this out. I can't even think of how to explain it! I know I'm bound to react this way, but it's for a reason. Obviously.

I'm amazed at how this happiness is even possible in our situation...

Despite It, On I Love.

Do I do this to myself every single time? It’s just so extremely hard to avoid a determined heart. When the silence falls around me, this rush of pain finds its way to my eyes. I immediately react but fail miserably to stop it. As the weather cries outside, I wish its sunny days related to me more. The moment I do find that hope, I keep it. But somehow it’s too hard to let it paste a smile on my face. It’s like fighting in a battle and continuously falling. And yet I still get up each time.

Is it so wrong of me feel the way I feel? I know I must be strong, but that doesn’t stop the fact that it all hurts. I used to live for tomorrow by telling myself things will be better eventually. And although I believed my days would get brighter in time, I needed to be content with now. I didn’t want to miss out on my today.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel like there’s this big knife stabbing into my heart. And it doesn’t go away. I have no way to explain myself anymore. I don’t even know what to write… I just repeat myself over and over and over, as if to convince myself that I know why this has happened and that writing it out will help me. Putting it all into words has never been so tough. I don’t want to walk away though. I don’t want to give up and become a failure. I don’t want to take the “easy road.”

I will keep going. I will keeping loving.

I Cannot!

I literally cannot find another reason to write! I spent a moment here thinking and I just cannot think of anything else that gives me reason to grab words from my head. All the words end up forming into the same thing, allowing me to repeat myself in many different ways. I've become conscious of this fact over time, but now I actually took into consideration the possibility of writing about something else. But alas, nothing comes to mind that will cause me to want to write. Maybe it is not I who can write, but the life I live that places itself into words to somehow explain myself. Letters flow naturally into words that begin to explain it all perfectly. I'm fond of this and I possibly never want to stop.

I am now avoiding writing the word "you," because I'm often inclined to do so. I cannot shut my mind down. I find it at full speed repeatedly and speaking through silence generally helps. The effect I have received is impossible to evade. Not that I've tried, but that it's impossible.

So there I have it. I just cannot find any other reason that gives me inspiration to write so freely. In a very indirect way, I have included what I always write about. Somehow.

I somehow mentioned you. ;)

Just For You.

Now I understand.

The reality of the matter has finally hit my mind. It's not you who stabs my heart. I've viewed you as a treasure and I've come to hate when someone pours dirt on you. This affects you because I truly mean I care for you. Our bond has taught me that we can't get what we want and like it. Because I never wanted this before I knew you. We are introduced to who we need and what's meant to be is impossible to leave. The only things that bother me are the things that make you less than who I know you're meant to be. You're only a top priority in my life because you made it this far. I never wanted anyone to make it this far unless they were supposed to stay.

I am not criticizing you, I'm just so determined to see you polished. I find no reason to feel wrong that I want you to remain a shiny treasure. If my care makes you uncomfortable, it's because you're hurting me internally without trying. The more I set you high, the more you know your words will be daggers to my heart. But I have chosen this, and I know you are capable of turning those daggers into roses. But I am going to care for you no matter what. I have become strong through my weakness.

If I cared not for your life, I would not waste my time crying. Your smile does wonders because you are not just someone I know, but someone I trust. A feeling of safety and respect. I could tell the big difference when I received the lack of respect from others. I find myself thankful for God allowing you to stay. I only tried pushing you away because I was so scared to listen to feelings. But perhaps I wanted to watch you come back. Maybe somehow I knew you'd always come back, and I pushed as hard as I can, yet still keeping that hope that I was doing the wrong thing. I could never be content with your absence in my life. A life without peace on that matter would eternally obliterate me.

This is my honesty. If I ever do find a scratch on your surface, I will not scold you for it. I will polish it. I naturally want to reach out to you because I think you deserve love. I can sit in front of you and feel just right, forgetting about anything negative. You're perfection to me in an imperfect form. I say this because I find it true--not to win you over. Can you honestly deny our bond? We read each other's minds and blurt our similar thoughts. Neither one of us can explain that, but I really don't find need to. Someone like you and someone like me somehow made it through very tough situations.

I almost thought that my unconditional love and patience that I strive to have is the only reason we're still friends. But I know somewhere deep down in your heart you understand the connection that holds us in place here just like I do. I've only made it this far because I truly do mean all the things I've said to you. Every time I see you, eventually I have this urge to say something new that goes on in my mind, but then over time I dismiss it with hesitation and stalling. It's not that I'm scared, but that I think things are meant to be said on perfect timing. My hesitation and the act of stalling has helped me wait things out.

I've grown a fear of hurting you, of losing you, and of starting an argument. But I have dealt with these fears so that I may look at you and understand that you shouldn't be treated as an enemy. And I should not fear you. You are the sole reason why I have learned that unconditional love is definitely a requirement when I mean what I say. Had I not meant anything, I would have walked away. But here I am. Until you understand why I'm here, I will be figuring out why you're here. I'd pray you away again, but I don't want to be selfish anymore. I did it because I thought I couldn't handle what I've handled for over a year now. God proved me wrong.

Here I am writing, trying my best to use this talent to speak volumes to a one-person audience. You told me once that I could use this to reach out to people. So here I am using it for you too. I could spend hours thanking you, but you should know by now you are highly praised. Even if just by me.

This will only make you feel different because it's true. I wrote this just for you.