I Should Not Have Written This.

I should not have visited you. I should have kept away and pretended I'd never see you again. I should not have laughed or smiled in your very presence. I should not have enjoyed what seemed like hours but only lasted minutes. I should not have been so happy over that tiny visit. I should not have driven away. I should not have left. I should not have cried that night when I remembered your smile.

My memory served me correctly--that I love you. Being there with you, if for just a moment, I knew exactly what my heart pleaded for. As much as I wish I could tend to its cry, I have no idea how. When I left, I wanted to turn around and go back. I had missed you too much. But I hope I placed in your hands the very existence of my care. Coming home, you see, I entered the life without you. I realized it again, I stared it in the face, and I loathed it. I cried because I wish you were in it the way I imagine you could be.

I got everything you wanted me to have to serve as a distraction. Overwhelmed I was, do not get me wrong, to be put in places I prayed for. Yet I still cry for you. I still feel the emptiness of your absence. But I'm still trying to pretend this isn't so, showing the strength I only think I still have. My hope refuses to run away from me. I make it one day at a time. Every single day you are comfortably on my mind, as if you have nowhere else to be. My smile is equal to my frown. Because even though you're not holding my hand, you're holding my heart. And even though you're not holding me close, I'm holding you close. Inevitably I weep upon the matter at hand but I cannot just walk away.

I should not have visited you because now I ache more harshly to see you again. I should have kept away and pretended I'd never see you again so that I'd silently cry myself away from your life. I should not have laughed or smiled in your very presence so you would not see that I love you. I should not have enjoyed those tiny minutes so you'd know I did not feel this way (but I do). I should not have driven away so I could have stayed with you just a little longer. I should not have left because I love you. I should not have cried that night when I remembered your smile because you are indeed still in my life.

You're all I can think of, and I wish I did not ignore my urge to hug you when you were standing right in front of me.