Dear YOU

Dear You,

I've seen you before! Or at least it feels that way. It bothers me that I cannot figure out why. You must resemble someone, I just don't know who. Yet I think, "What does it matter?" Reality is you hardly know me. But in my mind it's like I've known for just about ever. But that's just my personality when I become drawn to someone. I have this ability to create instant best friends. I throw out all the effort in the world to start the friendship. Not just to anyone though. It's a select few that I instantly decide, "Yep. They're amazing."

I'm not entirely sure how you even exist, but knowing that you do has given me hope. As silly as this may seem, once upon a time I imagined someone quite like you. Over the years it seemed like I wouldn't actually know anyone like that. I even unknowingly was settling for less. I understand I only know a portion of you, but trust me, it's enough for me to believe. I wouldn't ever force a friendship upon you though. I'm not entirely sure what has gone on in your mind in return. But you reminded me of what I truly desire in a person.

I sincerely hope that someday, I can be with someone just like you.

Sincerely,
Me

p.s.
Write back!

2012 is Ending.

The year is ending, and life is only getting better. But I feel like I've come to deserve an "uphill" season. I've fought long and hard for many things in life, and I know God doesn't intend for me to always feel that way. I know He wants great things for me as well. And that excites me. Because I feel like it's finally time for me to begin again. To finally reach a point where I can experience positive and happy things. That even though more trials may come later on, at least for now I can receive a reward for enduring all these years.

This entire blog has been filled with so many emotions, trials, and seasons in my life. It's pretty much everything it took to get to where I'm at and I finally feel like I'm leaving that huge chapter in my life. Because of how fresh I desire to feel when a new beginning begins, I will also carry along my excessive writing tendency onto a new blog. This blog will begin with a letter to the future, 365 days away. I will tell it what I imagine my life to be in 2013 and compare it to what really happened.

To add to my new blog for the new year, I will also be recording my life daily with video and uploaded to YouTube if anyone wants to come along with me in this new journey. I have an idea of what may happen next, but God is full of surprises. I'm not sure I should even bother to take guesses!

2013. You'll have LA trips, England trip, attempting to buy a car, move out, and find my true calling. Maybe you'll even include a special someone for the first time in my life. ♥

Last Minute Hope.

The last few days for me have been filled with utter joy, peace, hope, and confidence. I feel so much closer to a point in my life where I do not have to suffer with fear. I've been overcoming it so much, and God has given me hope in new circumstances. It's like a new spark set off inside of me and I have this burning passion to be happy for God. This is the medicine I needed. I had some bad weeds still in my life that I needed to walk away from. And sadly they were people. But I needed to step away and take the path God has given me without being so held back.

The new year is coming, and I have full faith that God has great things in store for me. I know the past few years He was building me and shaping me into exactly who He knew I needed to be. He knew what my true desires were, and He wanted to make it worth it. For that I am thankful and amazed. I would have never known in the years before, but I'm starting to understand now. I feel stronger and happier than ever!

Perhaps God has opened a new door that'll lead to a new beginning. I finally feel content and ready with no desire to become impatient about this. What has been shown to me is a new and old familiar hope. A hope that what I once dreamed of comes in reality-form after all. It's like discovering a moment you thought you once discovered but you become fully aware that it is happening for the first time. Is it possible to just know upon first glance that you've found the correct dream?

With 2013 around the corner, I'm beginning to feel happier than ever. It's like God set it all up to clean up a mess and lead me to a new chapter in life right at last minute. I feel at ease for the things I've waited for. It's like I just needed to know it existed. Perhaps I finally found that beautiful something. Even if it's just another glimpse of the truth, it's the most beautiful hope of all.

Just to know that someone like him exists.

Another Letter to the FH.

Dear Future Husband,

I remember years ago when I first committed myself to you. I began daydreaming with the most intense details. I imagined you as this amazing person that would be extremely worth the wait. I'd write you letters during class and pray daily that God would protect you. I'd write you poems and dedicate images to you. I didn't even have to know you, I just knew that one day I would and you'd be lovely. I was going to marry you, after all! Now that over six years have passed, I've not forgotten how dedicated I was.

As you'll soon know, I went through a lot of pain eventually. My letters to you dramatically decreased as a new friend came along. I was called to fulfill a purpose though. Maybe in a way that was how God took my mind out of the clouds and into reality because He knew I needed to grow to become the future wife you would deserve. But when I look back, I see that the opportunity for a relationship never rose. Perhaps that was God's way of answering my prayer and I just could never see it that way. Maybe you weren't ready, and He needed to fulfill these past six years in preparing both of us while apart.

I became distracted for years with the giant task I was given, and when I finally came out of it, there was someone place into my life for just a little bit. That person helped me confirm that I was very well capable of loving hard all over again. But they also helped me put all that I previously learned to the test. I guess God needed to test me. For me to understand what I learned, and what it really means to apply it to my life. And that lesson was to be patient, trust God, and not expect certain things in return when we choose to give. Maybe at this point you and I still weren't ready.

But now it is the very end of the year and I feel like I just got a glimpse of you. I've gained more hope than ever that there is indeed someone quite close to what I once could only imagine. And even if this particular person gets removed from my life as well, at least I now know what I'm looking for. I still imagine you to be quite amazing. And one thing is for certain...you will love God and serve Him too. Because that's how I'll find you.

Sincerely,
Your Future Wife

p.s.
I'll be there soon. :)

Endings and Beginnings.

Closing a book you've been in for years can be tough. Mainly because you may not know how. But sometimes in order to let go of the past, you have to let go of someone who was in it. Not that it's impossible to move on otherwise, but that the only person you can change is yourself. Sometimes their lack of change can pull you backwards. If I'm reaching toward a goal and walking a path that is complete opposite of them, how will I make it to that goal unless I let go?

Today marks the most silent goodbye I've ever done. It's the day I officially close the book I've read for too long. It needed its ending because the hope of a sequel was crushed years ago. I learned a different lesson though. I learned something entirely different than what I would have imagined. I had a completely different purpose than what I thought years ago.

I am ready now for new beginnings. I realized that I could not reach this point without God putting an end to some other things. The life I have chosen is to live for God, serve only Him, and love others just as I love myself. In this way, I hope to shine my light into the dark world and practice perseverance. I'll never shut anyone out of my life, but I will also not turn around to please them. I must keep walking forward because I cannot afford to go down such a dark path again. Not that I previously tried to, but that I've too often felt broken in the past and I want to be healed.

With this new life I intend to enter will come a new year as well. This New Year is something I'm looking forward to. I want to fully overcome a fear, control my mind more, and live without expecting. Although I have my personal dreams and wants, I understand that everything works together for good for those who trust God. He has a beautiful plan and I intend to discover this plan. This is who I am, merely a pilgrim passing through and I'd like to make a difference somehow.

It's not the end of the world, as we know. But I will say that it has become the end of an old life for me. Time to look ahead and find my new beginnings!

Impatience.

Dear God,

The truth is, I am suffering with some sort of impatience disease. Not that I act upon it, but that my mind gets lost so easily. It begins to imagine something I've never even had, and immediately it affects my heart. Is this Your way of showing me that it's almost time? Because it's always toughest right before we reach the finish line. Whenever I see the tiniest glimpse of what it could be, I suddenly feel completely ready for it. But if I'm clearly not ready for it, I sincerely pray you help me endure through these awful impatient feelings.

You've given me such a big heart, God. I have a longing to be a wife someday so that I can care for someone, stand by their side, and encourage them when they're feeling down. This would absolutely mean so much to me and I promise I would take care of him. I'd appreciate it beyond measure, I'd put forth effort to keep it alive, and never cease to water the relationship. You must have someone incredibly amazing that it has taken this long for us to meet.

May You open our eyes to find each other on Your very perfect timing, so that our waiting can come to an end. So that I can be his helper through thick and thin. That's really all I wish for this Christmas.

Genuinely,
Stephanie Ann

Patience.

With the year ending and the new year approaching, I've been trying to remain patient. I know I get sudden urges and split-second feelings of impatience, but I know what I'm waiting for. I know that it'll be worth it in the end. There is no need to envy anyone else around me who already has it. I never have before, no sense in being that way now. Not everyone has the strength to endure as long as I have. Perhaps I should embrace that quality and feel better.

Patience is a really good friend of mine. I've mastered it for quite some time now. I can last loads longer than the average human being when it comes to patience. Not that I have any sort of pride over it, but that it's honestly what I need considering the circumstances I've been given. But I really have God to thank for that. And now I just ask that He grants me a bit more patience to make it through this time that my curiosity grows stronger.

It's not that I'm begging for a relationship. I just have this deep desire to be a helper, just as God brought Adam one when he was lonely. And I imagine that the amount of time it has taken just to become that must mean that it will be utterly special. If it's in proportion to the wait time, it'll be beautiful. I want to make someone feel worth it, special, and exceedingly happy. I know that God will be their joy, but I'd love to share that love with them too. I'd love to remind them daily of their importance and be faithful as ever to someone.

I simply pray now that God will keep me safe and that I will remain patient. I guess you just never know when you're one step away from what you've been waiting for. God only knows if he's waiting for me too. I sincerely hope so though. If I could tell him anything right now, I'd tell him I already love him. ♥

Dear Old Friend,

Dear Old Friend,

It's never easy to say goodbye, but it's a much delayed necessity  You see, you and I are always going to be two people in history that'll share a story not many others can tell. But if we come to accept our differences, a parting must occur. This door must have been waiting to shut as we silently said our last minute goodbyes. And there's always a possibility I will see you again, but until then I must continue on without you. I sincerely hope that someday you will fully see the light that I attempted to show you all these years.

I have been confused, I have been in pain, I have laughed, I have cried, and I have dismissed false hope. But one thing is for certain, that through it all, I have loved you. Maybe you cannot see that it wasn't really I, but God, who loved you. And because of that I will walk away, taking along with me that love, so you will know. If I stay around, it will only bring me down to hear your silence deny the very God who created you and gave you life. But I've done all that I can and it's time for me to let you go completely.

But where endings occur, so do new beginnings. Maybe this is just the next chapter to my life that I've been waiting for. You've wished me happiness--well, I'm going for it. This doesn't mean we can never be friends, but that you must be first willing to be a friend to our Lord Jesus Christ. Because He is who I reflect and who I love, and who I live by. He is who you need in order to find me again. I came to help you, and now my job is done. It is time I move along.

You may not fully understand the need for this goodbye, but someday you just might. You have chosen your path and your lifestyle, and I have chosen mine. I have finished pointing to the direction I desired you to go because my signs went unnoticed. This has only saddened me because I once upon a time wanted to die for you, so that you may have freedom. This saddened me to see you walk the opposite way because I cared for you so dearly much that I wanted the absolute best for you, I just never knew how to tell you.

Well, I'll tell you now in this goodbye letter. God is the only one who can save you from the sin of this world, from the enemy, and from all that is out to get you. God is the only one who can give you peace in dark storms. Until you give your life over to Him, realizing you cannot do this on your own and that you are not perfect, you will continuously live in the dangers of the world alone. You must lose the pride, humble yourself, and hand the wheel over to a God who knows the way better than we ever will.

I've made this decision within myself, to give Him my all. In return, He taught me love, gave me life, and granted me peace and happiness when all looked hopeless. I never needed to look to another human being for comfort, even if I tried. I found it in the silence of a prayer. I hope you can find that someday too.

Someday if we meet again, I hope you remember all that I sacrificed because I truly loved you with my entire heart. Forever and a day.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

The Fear of Rejection.

Seven years ago when I could only dream of what my future would hold, I would have never imagined facing the fear of rejection. Maybe we all have a slight hint of it inside of us, never wanting to be turned down. But it has messed with my mind and my heart. With God though I feel like I can overcome it better in the moment that it occurs. When thoughts begin to somehow, inevitably enter my mind that could very well bring me down if I allow them to. It's not that I think I'm some horrible, undesirable person. I just happen to get very used to one type of behaviour.

That behaviour consists of friendliness and sudden silence. How I got to this point was by enduring through a five-year battle. And by battle, I mean friendship. You see, I grew to admire a human being who gave me a friendship, but could not give more. And although I was fine with that in the beginning, it eventually became all I knew. There were really not hugs, or talks of future, and the dreaded day came when they eventually began dating. I could not seem to rip myself away from this person for the longest time! But then God came to the rescue and made a way of escape for me.

Shortly after it ended, I experienced an indescribable sense of joy for almost a month. This is when I was introduced to the fear that planted itself inside of me during the previous battle. I had to deal with it and overcome. And by doing so, I faced my fear as a new friend came along. This new friend was lovely in the beginning and from lacking a bond without a complicated situation of "friend zone," I was more than willing to give it my all, if the day came.

The day didn't come though. In fact, silence came instead. I too often had to convince myself the individual was just extremely busy, as he explained. But after too many friendly comments, messages, and kind acts went ignored, I gave it all to God and moved on. Losing that friend was okay. I knew that he was not strong enough and I was too in love with God that I could not stand around waiting while being torn down in return.

Holding my head up high, I walked along. I made some goals. I decided I'd visit England, where I felt like God was leading me. I would plan my near future of getting a car, and moving away to where I can find a new job. And although these goals helped me this year through many months after Summer ended, there was a tiny little tug at my heart, wondering when the day would come that I could be cared and loved for in return from someone. I fought it away for years and years, remaining single with friendships that never seemed meant for more.

Maybe inside of me I fear that I'll gain feelings yet again, have desires for someone, and it'll be the past continuously repeating itself. As they do not have a desire to return the interest, I'd fight it away yet again, having difficulty facing this fear because I've yet to see the opposite happen. But yet I know that ultimately, in my heart, I truly believe God has a beautiful person waiting for me. I truly believe He was simply saving me from what I never wanted. From a break-up, an incorrect relationship and such. And maybe I'm merely a day away from meeting that very special human being, made specifically to be with me.

But can I really endure yet another false alarm? Because the next one to come my way somehow is far better than ever before. Something I probably merely dreamed up before, yet became willing for less. I never knew I committed such an act, but I always had a mass amount of faith that could believe God can change anyone. But maybe He had for me someone that didn't need that mass amount of changing because I deserved the best of the best from all this waiting and purity.

I sincerely hope that maybe I've come to the end of the cycle and that I have finally become ready for what God truly does have for me. I'm happy to love someone, be there for them, and grow in God with them. That's who I truly want. The fear of rejection will try to lead me away from that, but I must overcome. I must not allow the thoughts to race through my mind. Allowing me to think that lack of responses means I am not desired. Allowing me to think that communication is an annoyance. Was it ever really any of that? The enemy is out to get me, but I have a God who loves me! And I can make it through.

I'll Be Waiting STILL.

Dear Future Husband,

I've finally come to the point that I understand why I still needed to wait for you (despite the fact that we've yet to meet). But tonight felt like the finishing touch to a huge part in my life. I didn't know of its ending, as it has many false endings. But tonight marked quite the epilogue to that story. It may not be entirely done, but it is nearly there. What it has prepared me for is to give to you a love deeper than anything you've ever received from another human being. It'll be a love that God has placed inside of me, taught me, and bestowed upon me--for you. I have made a huge promise to Him that I will always love you. When you come, I will highly appreciate you. I will fully give myself to you in marriage, and we will be one.

What I needed to learn before meeting you has been placed inside the intense battle I finally overcame. But as life continues on, I'm quite sure that I could use a sidekick. We could shine our lights together unto the world. Through our story, our lives, and our love, we will show this world that God is still powerful and He is still working. I want to grow in Him with you and have you there during those moments I need a hug.

Darling, I am waiting for you as patiently as I can. I made it this far, I've grown so much, and I'm ready to smile right back at you when you come. I may not know the day or hour, but I know it's soon. God knows what you deserve. A part of me feels like I went through all I went through so that I can also be the exact person He desires you to have. And that warms my heart, to know that I will belong to you because God made me in likeness of you.

This Christmas I've asked God if I could just know you. But either way, I'll be waiting. ♥

Love,
Your Future Wife

Long Distant Nonexistent Relationship.

It's like having a long distance relationship in which you receive no replies but you love them tremendously. Only in my case I do not know who they are and it's difficult to imagine who they'll be. But I am quite attached. I feel it is safer to be attached to a thought rather than to an actual person that I know. Because if I attached myself to someone I know, I'd be in an unrequited love relationship and it would only hurt me. But I know I cannot go back down that road.

Each day I've been much better at handling things. I'm keeping my focus on working to earn money so that I could fulfill my wish to travel overseas next Summer. Whatever God has for me will come my way and fit perfectly into my schedule. Sometimes I do wonder if there is anything extra I can do to help certain areas in my life. But I should be thankful that I am alive and not sad anymore.

My emotions have been somewhat up and down, but ultimately I know that I am okay. I want to get lost in God again. I want to feel that intense amount of happiness that I once had. I want to feel the hope deep inside. To see big change in my life all over again. I imagine that there is a lot more to this story of mine, because some things have not come to an end yet. But I really hope that they do. Soon.

But each night that I lay down to rest, I enter this imaginary world where I have a special someone right next to me. I'm not sure what is taking him so long to come along. I know he has to be out there, and I've been waiting for him with a pure heart. But no one else seems to cross my path, so I live each new day in hopes that our meet will be soon. And even though there are occasionally some who seem to be seeking or showing interest in me via personal messages on networking sites, no part of me feels drawn and not attractions occurs.

Maybe I have this image in my head that causes me to feel like I'm waiting to see a certain type of human being. But so far I've only met a glimpse of him. Now I'm curious of the real deal. I'm under the impression I may not be meeting him this year, but perhaps next year. Good thing this year is nearing its end! But I must endure yet another set of holidays without him. I really want this year to be the last year that I spend Christmas without him! I'm not sure where to look, but I hope that as I continue on in my life, with nothing holding me back, he will appear on perfect timing and I he will not give up on me.

Me Again.

Dear Future Husband,

I'm nearly going crazy without you again. God brings me out of so many different emotions I've dealt with. But I keep recognizing your absence and it runs deeper each time. I keep hoping that you'll come out of nowhere and for once I will understand the hope I've longed for. As much as I know to love without expecting, I long to feel the intensity of it being returned to me in the same way. I don't want to expect so much from you, I just have the faith that you'll love me in the ways that I've wondered about.

Please come, I practically beg of you. Come while I am unattached to the wrong person, and I promise I will be patient with you as we get to know each other. If you've not come at all yet, then you must be really amazing because I'm not sure I can imagine what exactly you'll  be like. Once upon a time I imagined bumping into you in the card isle at Walmart and then officially meeting you by the medicine isle. Now reality is here, I'm over a year late on that imagination, and you're nowhere to be found.

But I've been relying on God through everything, I promise, so He must have a different time set for us to meet. And it's all I ask for this Christmas, really. That I can finally meet you.

I somehow love you already. I do.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

Figuring it Out.

I think I know what it is. Or I'm beginning to figure it out. I'm not entirely sure. You see, I grew to love a certain human being and managed to build up the love into a very unconditional one. I learned how much I enjoyed being patient with him, I learned how to be silent when he needed space, and I learned how to care for someone through thick and thin. Eventually I had to let this person go, because he never belonged to me. His desires went elsewhere and I was dying inside as four years of fighting passed. Finally I gave my very last bit of strength, and miraculously became released of all that pain and heaviness from the battle.

It all had purpose. It made me into the strongest person I've ever known. And yet that strength is not mine, it is all the strength God allowed me to use because He knew I needed it. After three months of being parted from that once-special human being, he was placed right back into my life and once again became my best friend. Although we have our differences, living two completely different lifestyles, I whole-heartily still love him. I've kept the old desires and wishes in the past but remember exactly how to love with that unconditional love.

The more I think about this, the more afraid I become when I allow thoughts to go deep, like in the past, the more I convince myself otherwise to see something else. He is the closest thing I have to what I imagine I'd want in a relationship someday. He has become the most special example in personality for what I'd love to live everyday of my life with. But I know that for who he is today, right now, is not who I need. And because I cannot change him, I want to accept that he is merely a glimpse.

After three months of vacation and then including him back in my life, I've realized the new person I became. I feel like I can be more sincere with him because I do not want to cause him to feel guilty anymore. I loved him so much, that it was finally enough to let him go with a sincere heart, and no crying. God showed me the impossible I would have never guessed He'd do. But to this day, I can see that my love for that human being was so strong, it lasted even when I felt nothing. It was strong enough to come back because it was and is...real. It is the love that I needed to learn. And the love I'd like to apply to my future husband.

You see, what it is now is that I am twenty-years of age dealing with the cravings for a companion in life. It's normal, I realize, as there are millions of relationships in this world because we all crave something. Love is the most popular word in the world. But to me, it is a sacrifice you make to show someone else they are worth it in this world. I have lacked a nearness from another human being, someone to complete me, for all this time. The deeper the cravings get, the harder it becomes to be patient and wait for right person. But that best friend of mine, being the closest to what I'd desire, is right there. Right with me, in my life, one simple text or call away. He listens to me, is always there for me, and has the capabilities of making me happy.

So the truth is...I desperately desire another sort of form of him, someone who relies on God for their strength, and someone I can be there for as well. Someone who can fulfill the desires I have, someone I can feel okay with. Because I do not want to make my best friend the one I think of every day again and fall right into a trap when I do indeed know he cannot return that to me. And as tempting as it is, I must stay patient so that the human being made just for me can come along and see that I have waited for him and that I am no longer distracted. Because I have learned my lesson.

In other words, he is the only wish I have, whoever he is, wherever he is. And I'm ready to love him HARD. ♥