The Days of the Begging for Distractions.

Every day for the past two and a half years I've had to find reason to keep my head up high and be happy. I've failed to do so on many occasions, but I'd tell myself to keep standing. Every single day since I first found out what I've now become so used to. For that long it has remained the same. I can't even remember how it felt to not have such a heart-wrenching situation. Now I wake up each day hoping it won't bring me down. I've made it with the hope God gave me, and without that hope I would be nothing. Would I even be alive?

It has been a constant battle for me. During these two and a half years, I've searched for every solution that seemed right. I considered walking away from the problem, I've let go, I've prayed, I've fasted, I've talked with trustworthy people, and I've cried a lot. But I cannot and will not forget the strong calling I know God has given me. If I ever attempt to walk away, God asks me to come back. He gives me strength, sets me on my feet, and says, "Go." Constantly He feeds me reason to keep going, and constantly He has to pick me up. But He called me because He knew I'd make it to the end.

I often wonder what it would feel like for it to be over. This entire battle. For it to completely change for the better, and to not have that reason to cry anymore. All the pain because of it would completely vanish and it'd just all...be over. To get to that point is my goal. And love is my motivation. See, I imagine that day as the most  beautiful reward, giving me all the reason to not give up. I allow it to give me hope. I don't know the time or place, nor do I know what it will be. It's a surprise waiting to happen, and when I least expect it, it'll be completed. I'm sure when that happens, I will enter a new journey. And maybe because of this, everything else will feel like a lighter load. A piece of cake, to be exact.

So no, I do not hate where I stand, nor am I upset. I'm impatiently patient, but perfectly placed. I'm weak, but God is strong for me. Although I'm still living in the days of the begging for distractions, I'm alive. I'm still able to love, and I still know how. In the end, all this waiting and suffering will be more than worth it. That's the story I want to have, and that is the story I will tell. The fact about him that has broken my heart has truly challenged us to see if we two can make it through anything. And together...we have. Somehow. For that, I am thankful. I can only imagine how much more we can endure. ☺

Not Here.

My feelings want me to be angry and push away, but my heart wants me to continue loving. So I swallow those feelings, stand up, and love anyway. Why do I have to feel this way? I certainly didn't intend for it. But yet I'm here. And all I want to do is seek a way of escape. Now I just simply miss what I had. I would never in a lifetime throw it away. But now we've taken two steps back. If there's any type of reset button, I dislike it very much. It's as if I'm sitting at a train station, watching everyone else get on and off. But all I can do is sit there and wait because my train has yet not arrived, and I cannot escape the station because it's not beautiful here to stay forever. It's an extremely long wait in my human mind. I'll make it to the end, to the prize...but it's certainly not here.

Without You, Who Am I?

I felt so different, so awkward, and not myself. The feelings began hitting my mind as time passed. It felt almost wrong in a way, as if something was not the way it should be. A giant part of me was missing.

It was not you.

I was not laughing with you, driving in town with music playing loud. It was with someone else. The idea of that being so made me feel ugly inside. I began trying to imagine it with anyone else. This young man was not you, nor could any other man in the world place a happiness in my eyes the way you do. I've never been alone with a guy that wasn't you. Except family members, it has always been me and you. Not me and him. Not me and a stranger. I felt so off without you. Because of it, I realized why my mood was so hard to control. I wasn't myself. I was experiencing what life would be like if you weren't the only being I ever sat alone with.

It was awkward. Not offense to him, he's kind and a friend of you and I. But it felt so much like I was betraying you. In no way was I doing so, but it felt like it. With you it's as if my heart beats perfectly. My mind is not somewhere else, it's just with you. With you I am complete, and no other face comes to mind. I never feel like I'm betraying anyone. I never feel I'm wasting any sort of time. I can't even worry around you. You are the only one who feels completely right. You're worth the pain of waiting for, and no other man should have to deal with me. Because with me will always come you, buried inside my heart.

Would I have known this had I not experienced it today? No. But now that I have, I don't even want to try again. I missed you greatly so, and I miss you more even now. I'll never be the best company without the contentment that you're happily in my life. I disliked how empty I felt. It hit me so incredibly hard that I wanted it to end. I couldn't feel okay that I wanted to escape. It had nothing to do with him, just myself. Today I fully knew that nothing works like you.

No one.

Never Forgetful.

I dislike when seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days. It makes the journey feel so much longer. And at that moment my tears feel heavier and I just want out. Everything felt like it was getting so much better, and somehow I brought us down. Now you feel so out of my grasp, as if I can easily just lose you. At this point I want to rewind time to when I was inside your arms. And I'll correct my mistake and not let you go. If I made you happy already, I want to continue to do so until we die. If this is good enough for you, this is all I'll give--love. This is what you can always have. For your entire life. Me, loving you. You have what I may desire, but because you enjoy it, you should know why I crave it. You have what I crave. Do you understand?

You're the only person in the world who makes me happy and scared all at the same time. I'm happy to be around you, to know you, to see you smile. But I'm scared to have to handle losing you, if that were to happen. Yet I do not feel I will lose you. I just inevitably fear what it would do to me to see you pay less attention to me. What if you gave what I desired in return to someone else?

No. Please don't let that happen. Not while I'm alive. :(

We watered our roots, they're too deep to cut out now. Even if I moved on, I'd never forget you. I'd always think about you. I still believe I was meant to love you. If I left, maybe you'd see I was your godsend too.

I Believe You, God.

I'm holding on to You, God. I'm clinging so tightly. I believe You, I truly do. I know You're sending me out to do Your work and I know You have a purpose for everything You ask me to do. Just give me the words to speak, the direction to go, and the heart to believe. Help me persevere with the ultimate faith and diligence. You truly do make miracles. And I have no reason to doubt that. Make a way where there seems to be no way. Replace my own desires with Your own. And never let me give up on my calling. Thank you for getting me through the storms.

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

I Cry Standing For You.

I couldn't seem to help it. It just happened. I stood in one spot, feeling weak, staring at the picture of you and I. Tears flowed down my face and my lips were quivering, but I just stood there. It's as if I'm having the hardest time waiting this out. My entire body is now aching deeply to be next to you. As we grow closer, it grows stronger. I've been fighting with this for over two years, but now more than ever I want to fight harder. Yet I've used up all my strength for you. I rely solely upon God now, and God alone. To see you happy means so much to me, but to not know why, or if I'm a reason, confuses my mind. I try to push these thoughts away each time, as to not create past fear. But you haven't told me anything.

At this point, you're the only human being I feel content to ask God for. Everything that happens with us has become no surprise to me. It's as if it's all perfectly planned out. And I expect it now. Somehow we're joined together with a connection we couldn't have made on our own. I want to wait for you, and I'm crying while doing it. You're beyond special to me now, you know. But I don't know how to say it to you anymore.

When you hugged me, my immediate thought was that I didn't want to let go. Yet I let go sooner than I would have because I was afraid you'd feel my heart fail to beat. But as I did hold on for those few seconds, I felt complete. I was united with my godsend, connected perfectly. Am I only dreaming that you notice now? Am I daydreaming my way to feeling okay? In my mind, we have the perfect relationship. But in reality, we have a beautiful, confusing friendship. I ask God while on my knees to take care of you. Every time I pray, I ask Him to give you peace when you're breaking. I cry because when I can't say "I love you," I ask Him to do it for me.

When this battle finishes, I hope I find myself in your arms again...

A Token.

Today I'm presenting to you a token of my eternal care. I can't say I'm nervous, I'm just anxious. After this, I'm leaving everything else to be a surprise. I'll pry not and I'll beg not. Last night I stared long and hard at the stars. The clouds were coming in, but beyond them were all the sparkling diamonds I adore. When I survey the beautiful sight, I feel so much closer to God. As I confessed all my thoughts and let everything in, out, I went to sleep with a smile. I've become content, which took persistence and diligence. I now have no reason to walk away. Therefore I'm planting my feet at this spot and allowing love to water me daily and deeply.

I've three and a half hours to go before I will see your alluring entity. Wrong me not, your heart is twice as splendid, and the very reason I've a token to present. I already know I'll be happy tonight, you've yet to give me reason not to assume. I don't know where you stand, but I know where I stand. Right here. In your life. Giving the love God put inside of me for you. Unconditionally and fain to do so.

I'll be waiting.

♥

A Wise Avoidance.

There are places in my past that are much too heart-piercing to return to. Places that have previously shattered me in such ugly ways, that I could never explain it. It's a part that I finally got through, and to go back and read evidence of it spills a rather disgusting acid inside of my heart. The present has served to be a much better place, but it's a great shame at how frightened I am to glance at that specific part in my past.

Of course, none of it is what I've done, but what I've seen. What I've witnessed. The effects of the soul I attached myself to. I could never understand how it got the way it did, but I am glad it is not there anymore. I was too afraid to accept where I stood. I was beyond terrified at how far it could go. As I continued to ignore the woeful thoughts, I tried so hard to focus just on God. You see, He gave me the peace I really did need. He gave me the hope I couldn't find anywhere else. He gave me the knowledge to understand He can fix my problems. He brought me through such a dark and horrible storm. But I did not escape alone.

I like to think that I brought sunlight in even the smallest way into the life that I watched. That I ran my way through the storm so that he could make it through too. Not that I was saving him, but that God was. To bring us to a better today, to understand what is to come. And as the story continues, and we're still seeking answers, we're not where we used to be. This particular soul ended up holding my heart in his hands, and wherever he ran, I felt it. We suffered two different types of pain, but we did not have to be alone. As my empathy came to be, I understood.

Some places need to remain patched up and buried deep into the past. Places that we should avoid because it is sealed; it is done; it is put away. It is forgiven by each party and by God. We are new peoples living in new days. We made it to a completely different year than any before. One filled with possible permanent happiness and overwhelming joy. I may not have the exact answer I was looking for living in front of my eyes or into my embrace. But it's closer than I've ever seen it. It's as if it's one step away. And God got me through it all by two simple words: love him.

Don't go back to what hurt you--it's a wise avoidance.