Deep Pain...

It hurt.

It was this deep pain, as I tried so hard not to cry in church.

To try so hard not to blame anything.

And it hurt worse to think of accepting that it happened, but it did.

Was it even a big deal?

I guess it was to me. Especially with no words to follow, but silence.

Silence again.

I'm finding that silence has become a weapon, and it hurts. What's worse? Stinging words against your ears, or the silence of what's unspoken? The silence of pain.

Would ii be better if I just left? Would it be better if I stopped caring and moved on? Would it be better if I absolutely said nothing and let the friendship die? Would you rather me leave your life? I'd only do it if you asked--as much as it would hurt me so deep inside, I'd do it for you.
Maybe secretly I wouldn't want to do it for you, but if it gave you happiness, I'd force myself.

I'm at a loss for words now, writing anonymously in this blog. Hoping that eventually the silence would leave me alone. I'd rather you yelling at me! I'd rather you hurting me face to face than to get up and leave.

It's not that I want you to yell. I'd actually hope we had no reason to argue, that there was no reason for you to hurt me face to face.
It's going to hurt, I understand that. I understand that because I made the choice to LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Is it my fault then? I don't know. I'll take blame. But I cannot refuse or turn anyone down that God has created and put into my life. Each person He gave me has a purpose, and that means you do too.

As much as it has caused pain for the last 9 months, off and on, especially the last 3, I'm somehow thankful at the same time, because it is exactly this that brought me back closer to God. YOU brought me closer. I started reading more, I started caring more, I started actually showing God that I am serious when I say He is GOD.

Whether I mean nothing more than just a person you befriended in high school, you'll always have purpose to me.

Sincerely,
Stephanie

Don't Forget. [Old Poem]

I found this old poem from July 2007 that I wrote to a photo. For some reason, I really like it! And I don't really remember writing it, nor do I remember why I wrote it...


And as you ponder through life,
Smiling here and there,
Just remember this one thing,
I'll be everywhere.

I'll be the laugh in your voice,
The shine in your eyes,
The pain in your heart,
The tears in your cries.

And as you ponder through life,
Wondering who I was,
Remember why you smile,
Remember what it does.

You're holding on to me,
In every chance you get.
And when you realize why I came...
Please promise you won't forget.

Sugar Coated Lies.

Why can't we just sugar coat our whole entire life so that everything we do and say tastes sweet? We don't have to address a single problem, and we can completely forget that any of them exist. Wouldn't doing that mean the problem didn't matter anymore? We wouldn't talk about it, after all, we wouldn't do things according to it (since we're keeping it in), and it wouldn't technically be there.

Wait... what?

Sugar coating things doesn't make them not exist! Sugar coating doesn't fix a problem. Maybe it puts it off, but that's like dragging a shovel along dirt! It just collects more!

Silence hurts more than words. For what is not said is an internal attack. Sometimes the pain comes later, and feels WORSE.

But what does this have to do with anything in MY life? Do I sugar coat things?.. Okay, maybe I am guilty of giving in to sugar coating. But it's not really always sugar coating. I just forget about what hurts and find the things that cause laughter, or something happy-feely. But it's like a temporary pleasure...and honestly.. it just hurts more later.

Our minds are a rather interesting piece of the body. It's like they're not even OF the body!

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore. I'm not even sure what causes me to write "sugar coated lies." I think I've been feeling like keeping things in will somehow take away the pain. Which won't work, so I don't know why I'm doing it! How else do we deal with pain? WHY did pain even have to exist? I suppose sin causes pain, in one way or another. And it's pretty crazy how "sin" tends to do all that it does. It hurts. Sin is the number one way to get people deceived.

Moving on.

I don't want to not say stuff to avoid arguments... I want the stuff to just NOT start one in the first place. I want the problems resolved, to become one mind with someone, and not two different worlds in one conversation.

Who's the one really attacking? The one wanting to help, seen as an "attack" to the other? Or the one being "attacked" and blaming the other? Does any of that even make sense? Can you accept a murderer into your home and still let them murder? Or would you accept a murderer willing to change?
Either way, you're accepting. But it's THEIR intentions that make the difference.


WHAT?
How can I title this blog "Sugar Coated Lies"? Are lies sugar coated?

Wait...nothing makes sense!

Indescribable.