It hurt.
It was this deep pain, as I tried so hard not to cry in church.
To try so hard not to blame anything.
And it hurt worse to think of accepting that it happened, but it did.
Was it even a big deal?
I guess it was to me. Especially with no words to follow, but silence.
Silence again.
I'm finding that silence has become a weapon, and it hurts. What's worse? Stinging words against your ears, or the silence of what's unspoken? The silence of pain.
Would ii be better if I just left? Would it be better if I stopped caring and moved on? Would it be better if I absolutely said nothing and let the friendship die? Would you rather me leave your life? I'd only do it if you asked--as much as it would hurt me so deep inside, I'd do it for you.
Maybe secretly I wouldn't want to do it for you, but if it gave you happiness, I'd force myself.
I'm at a loss for words now, writing anonymously in this blog. Hoping that eventually the silence would leave me alone. I'd rather you yelling at me! I'd rather you hurting me face to face than to get up and leave.
It's not that I want you to yell. I'd actually hope we had no reason to argue, that there was no reason for you to hurt me face to face.
It's going to hurt, I understand that. I understand that because I made the choice to LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Is it my fault then? I don't know. I'll take blame. But I cannot refuse or turn anyone down that God has created and put into my life. Each person He gave me has a purpose, and that means you do too.
As much as it has caused pain for the last 9 months, off and on, especially the last 3, I'm somehow thankful at the same time, because it is exactly this that brought me back closer to God. YOU brought me closer. I started reading more, I started caring more, I started actually showing God that I am serious when I say He is GOD.
Whether I mean nothing more than just a person you befriended in high school, you'll always have purpose to me.
Sincerely,
Stephanie
I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.
2 comments:
Hi,
I don't know where to start, so I'll just start writing and hope it goes somewhere.. :)
Firstly, I found your blog through chance (chance or God) a couple of days ago, and I started to read back through your blog posts..
Your posts about marriage and 'the one' through the end of last year had me on the edge of tears, because my heart is at an almost identical place at the moment. A sense that even with God, I still have a hole in my heart that can only be filled by the love and life of the one who will be my wife. And it burns, a deep loneliness that I can't fill, or ignore.
I take courage in the prophesy I've received about her, and that I will have a wife, but still, I keep asking God, please, can I meet her soon? Because the fear is there that I may not meet her soon, maybe not for years.. And I understand, I'm still young yet, but that doesn't stop me feeling lonely..
In turn, I hope and pray you meet the one for you soon and that he is everything you've asked the Lord for. Remember, He created you, He knows the needs and desires of your heart even better than you do. What you may like to ponder- Not only will he need to be perfect for you, but you will need to be perfect for him.. Is there anything you need to do to prepare for him?
Pain.
Emotional pain so often comes from a feeling of hopelessness in a situation, a relationship, a conflict that we cannot change and have no control over. So much of life is like this, where no matter how hard we try, despite our best efforts, nothing changes, nothing improves. But does something come from the single fact that we tried?
Perhaps, I don't know, but I think so..
I know the feeling of pain finding, and breaking, my limits.. The feeling that it can't get any worse, it just can't..
It's pain like this that you have to submit to God. He knows. But he wants you to tell him anyway. Maybe it won't stop it. Won't make it go away. But know this. It is for a reason. Something is coming of it, something we may never notice or understand.. Maybe not even witness. But something.
Trust God, he has the path mapped out for you. Sometimes it feels like you must have missed a turn.. But only He can see what's ahead. Stop and consider that he is preparing you for whatever lies there. Strengthening you, arming you, even resting you..
I hope some of what I was trying to say got through.. I hope you understand at least a little of what I wrote..
Carry faith in your heart and a smile on your face. God bless.
Michael (Not Matthew sorry, he's my brother, but he's a little old.. ;))
Thank you. :)
Post a Comment