I know he does not choose me,
That eventually wasn't the point.
I know he does not choose You,
You let me know the feeling.
You allowed me to know,
To see.
To grow.
To love with an undying love.
To understand Your greatness.
You've given me the eyes to see,
The heart to believe,
And the patience to endure.
No anger stays within me,
No pain when he's around.
I smile when he smiles,
And give all that I can.
I ask for nothing in return,
And love nonetheless.
As I celebrated his existence,
I left home with one thought:
"God, you must really love him."
God does not give up on whom He calls. To answer Him is to accept paradise.
I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
It Has Faded.
I should have known that the anger would fade quickly as it always did. I've fought you in my mind and heart for so long. The good memories of you and I are almost haunting. There is and always will be a difference you hold that no others can compare to. You see, I do not want to depart from you with anger or hate. If I leave, I will leave just as unintentional as I came. I'd want to leave you with the honest truth.
I know it's unfortunate that we'd have to part yet again for such as reason as what it is. But there was nothing I could have done to change it. It was always your personal choice. I've always made these changes just for you. I could have never asked you to do anything for me. I just couldn't.
The reason I came along, or at least one of them, has so far proven to be ineffective. It's the main reason that I'd depart in sadness. You've changed completely since the day I met you. But I still remember that young man that got my attention and gave me more than I could have wished for back then. I still remember your young heart putting a light and hope in my eyes. I remember how well you paid attention to me without trying, and somehow I grew into the person I am today. I like to see that as a big reason why you came along. I needed you, somehow. I did.
I'm fighting my mind to not sing about you, but do know you gave me so many words to turn into music. I want to respect your wish though.
I always said I do not understand you, nor this. I'm in high hopes that one day I will understand it. ♥
I know it's unfortunate that we'd have to part yet again for such as reason as what it is. But there was nothing I could have done to change it. It was always your personal choice. I've always made these changes just for you. I could have never asked you to do anything for me. I just couldn't.
The reason I came along, or at least one of them, has so far proven to be ineffective. It's the main reason that I'd depart in sadness. You've changed completely since the day I met you. But I still remember that young man that got my attention and gave me more than I could have wished for back then. I still remember your young heart putting a light and hope in my eyes. I remember how well you paid attention to me without trying, and somehow I grew into the person I am today. I like to see that as a big reason why you came along. I needed you, somehow. I did.
I'm fighting my mind to not sing about you, but do know you gave me so many words to turn into music. I want to respect your wish though.
I always said I do not understand you, nor this. I'm in high hopes that one day I will understand it. ♥
Friday, June 15, 2012
A New Chapter.
God can use anyone and anything for the great plans He has for us. He prepares an escape before we're even trapped. And that is what I see He has done for me. When a knife was about to stab my heart, God turned me away and reminded me of my worth. He saw me fight as hard as I could and He's taken me away just so I could be held in His arms for a while.
Looking back I see an entirely different life. One that I once sulked in. A life that I learned to give up to save another. Perhaps I've finally been called away. Not because I've failed, but because I did exactly what I needed to. I left an invitation letter to paradise for someone that will forever remain in my heart. I won't be walking away, I'll simply be walking down the path that leads me to everlasting life with a simple hope that they'll accept the invitation and join someday.
As that door closes, another will be opened. I feel at peace. I have finally found myself ready. Maybe all I needed was that boost. Maybe all I needed was a sudden realization that I could not be properly loved if I stayed in that sorrow. I learned how to love unconditionally and give without expecting a penny in return. For that, I will happily leave empty handed just to prove it. I do not feel that story is over, but rather that it's time to move to something that will grow me again. I'll leave what I've left behind to God and know He's got this.
Another chapter in life awaits me, and I hope to speak just as loudly to each new soul that finds their way into my life! To love and give hope to. To spread the happiness and the joy. To believe.
With God, all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26
Looking back I see an entirely different life. One that I once sulked in. A life that I learned to give up to save another. Perhaps I've finally been called away. Not because I've failed, but because I did exactly what I needed to. I left an invitation letter to paradise for someone that will forever remain in my heart. I won't be walking away, I'll simply be walking down the path that leads me to everlasting life with a simple hope that they'll accept the invitation and join someday.
As that door closes, another will be opened. I feel at peace. I have finally found myself ready. Maybe all I needed was that boost. Maybe all I needed was a sudden realization that I could not be properly loved if I stayed in that sorrow. I learned how to love unconditionally and give without expecting a penny in return. For that, I will happily leave empty handed just to prove it. I do not feel that story is over, but rather that it's time to move to something that will grow me again. I'll leave what I've left behind to God and know He's got this.
Another chapter in life awaits me, and I hope to speak just as loudly to each new soul that finds their way into my life! To love and give hope to. To spread the happiness and the joy. To believe.
With God, all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The End of a Storm.
And just like that it is all coming to a conclusion.
My time was spent wisely and I can only hope my point was made. It will not be I who he turns down but God. And as I still say a prayer that God will not give up on him, I have to hand him over. I have loved as best as I could the entire time. The feelings that I possessed weren't nearly important. But it was rather my calling. Did I go wrong somewhere along the line? I'm not quite sure. Maybe in the end I slowed down because I lost the knowledge of how to properly fight. But I am done. Is God done? Certainly not. It is my time to just be still and know. To just put my entire trust into my Creator and hope that the difference I made will someday be noticed, even if it takes a long time.
He has made his point plenty of times, I heard it once, twice, ten times and more. I understood it from the first time just as much as I understood it from the last time. The only problem is that he never heard me. He never got my point, nor did he ever get the hint. He sadly headed toward a road of selfishness and I broken-heartily watched him downgrade. Would he ever know how silent I made myself for the sake of him? Would he know how much I sacrificed as to keep him happy and not upset with me? No, probably not. Because all the right things go unnoticed and all the wrong things are clear as day.
I pray now that I may gain my patience back. I pray that I can still see him with love and not give in to anger. He is a human being, just as I am. No matter how many mistakes we each make, we're all loved equally by God. Even if not all of us accept His love, He still offers the same amount to each of us. Whether we come to Him early in life, or at last minute. Our wages are the same.
I stuck around to love him not for myself. I did it for him. I did it for him because without him, I would still be loved and saved by God. Without him, I could still live my life and know that in the end, I will be protected. But I too often questioned where he stood. I too often wondered if he was missing out on the blessings God prepared for him. I loved him so that he would understand, so that he would see how utterly in love God is with him. I loved him unconditionally, no matter how much it hurt, JUST SO HE COULD SEE.
All that I've done for him, all that I've accomplished, and the faith that I stubbornly kept will not go unnoticed to God. You see, this had nothing to do with my feelings. Yes, I gave in to them, I cried over them, but I was determined to get right back up once again and fight. To him I needed to move on. To me...I was afraid to see him suffer the consequences he risked. I was afraid to let the world suck him in so deep that he'd end up on the floor again with no strength to continue on.
This was a battle for a lost soul, a soul who needed a pick-me-up. I knew my heart meant well by its ability to persevere. I knew God could pull me out of anything if I fell too far, or too deep into the pain along the way. I knew I would be safe, I would make it through. I knew that when I died one day, God would take me Home. But it was that particular being placed into my life that I questioned. It was THEIR soul that became important. And determined to see that changed, I accepted the calling and prepared myself.
But my time must be over. I am no longer wanted nor needed by him. I can no longer be that person in his life. So I give him up to God and ask...that He never gives up on him. And I'll never give up the hope for a miracle I'd die to see.
Jesus died for you, my dearest moose. And I got to learn why. I hope you consider Him soon.
My time was spent wisely and I can only hope my point was made. It will not be I who he turns down but God. And as I still say a prayer that God will not give up on him, I have to hand him over. I have loved as best as I could the entire time. The feelings that I possessed weren't nearly important. But it was rather my calling. Did I go wrong somewhere along the line? I'm not quite sure. Maybe in the end I slowed down because I lost the knowledge of how to properly fight. But I am done. Is God done? Certainly not. It is my time to just be still and know. To just put my entire trust into my Creator and hope that the difference I made will someday be noticed, even if it takes a long time.
He has made his point plenty of times, I heard it once, twice, ten times and more. I understood it from the first time just as much as I understood it from the last time. The only problem is that he never heard me. He never got my point, nor did he ever get the hint. He sadly headed toward a road of selfishness and I broken-heartily watched him downgrade. Would he ever know how silent I made myself for the sake of him? Would he know how much I sacrificed as to keep him happy and not upset with me? No, probably not. Because all the right things go unnoticed and all the wrong things are clear as day.
I pray now that I may gain my patience back. I pray that I can still see him with love and not give in to anger. He is a human being, just as I am. No matter how many mistakes we each make, we're all loved equally by God. Even if not all of us accept His love, He still offers the same amount to each of us. Whether we come to Him early in life, or at last minute. Our wages are the same.
I stuck around to love him not for myself. I did it for him. I did it for him because without him, I would still be loved and saved by God. Without him, I could still live my life and know that in the end, I will be protected. But I too often questioned where he stood. I too often wondered if he was missing out on the blessings God prepared for him. I loved him so that he would understand, so that he would see how utterly in love God is with him. I loved him unconditionally, no matter how much it hurt, JUST SO HE COULD SEE.
All that I've done for him, all that I've accomplished, and the faith that I stubbornly kept will not go unnoticed to God. You see, this had nothing to do with my feelings. Yes, I gave in to them, I cried over them, but I was determined to get right back up once again and fight. To him I needed to move on. To me...I was afraid to see him suffer the consequences he risked. I was afraid to let the world suck him in so deep that he'd end up on the floor again with no strength to continue on.
This was a battle for a lost soul, a soul who needed a pick-me-up. I knew my heart meant well by its ability to persevere. I knew God could pull me out of anything if I fell too far, or too deep into the pain along the way. I knew I would be safe, I would make it through. I knew that when I died one day, God would take me Home. But it was that particular being placed into my life that I questioned. It was THEIR soul that became important. And determined to see that changed, I accepted the calling and prepared myself.
But my time must be over. I am no longer wanted nor needed by him. I can no longer be that person in his life. So I give him up to God and ask...that He never gives up on him. And I'll never give up the hope for a miracle I'd die to see.
Jesus died for you, my dearest moose. And I got to learn why. I hope you consider Him soon.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Interest.
I'm perfectly fine until the other person actually shows interest in me. And then I'm completely awkward, annoying, and immediately begin the pushing. I'm sure it would be entirely different if I first genuinely found interest in them. But for the past few years, I've been nonadjustable. My eyes, my heart, my mind, and my hope goes all back to the same thing, the same person, the same existence. I've jerked, I've pulled, I've closed my eyes. But nothing has moved me. Everyone else remains as everyone else, and no one knows how to capture my heart the way you have.
But then I question this. What would happen if you found interest in me? Would I push away, despite my attachment? Would I immediately freak out, not knowing how to react, what to do? It makes me laugh to think of such thoughts. Only because I just could never know unless it really happened. And maybe it bothers me a bit that I wonder it quite often.
Have I been capable of loving you this long because you remain as not belonging to me? Is it because I'm still intrigued by what is still a battle? As if I'm constantly trying to capture you, and the journey is what attracts me? Well, clearly your personality mixed with mine has grown us as close as you allowed us to get. But if I actually won this battle, would I feel I deserve it after all? If you actually returned my genuine love and care, would I back out, deciding I shouldn't have it? Do I expect it? Because I try so hard not to. And if you responded to me with love, I would most likely cry and feel like you only did it to please me.
Perhaps I should stop loving to allow you to feel the lack. As hard as that may be for me, perhaps I should. Maybe under the stars I'll express a silent good-bye to my love.
If you want me to let you go, then go.
But then I question this. What would happen if you found interest in me? Would I push away, despite my attachment? Would I immediately freak out, not knowing how to react, what to do? It makes me laugh to think of such thoughts. Only because I just could never know unless it really happened. And maybe it bothers me a bit that I wonder it quite often.
Have I been capable of loving you this long because you remain as not belonging to me? Is it because I'm still intrigued by what is still a battle? As if I'm constantly trying to capture you, and the journey is what attracts me? Well, clearly your personality mixed with mine has grown us as close as you allowed us to get. But if I actually won this battle, would I feel I deserve it after all? If you actually returned my genuine love and care, would I back out, deciding I shouldn't have it? Do I expect it? Because I try so hard not to. And if you responded to me with love, I would most likely cry and feel like you only did it to please me.
Perhaps I should stop loving to allow you to feel the lack. As hard as that may be for me, perhaps I should. Maybe under the stars I'll express a silent good-bye to my love.
If you want me to let you go, then go.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Again.
Here I am again, right back at the beginning it seems. I felt discouraged and put down because of a dream, which affected me subconsciously. But in reality I wasn't doing the best. I thought I'd do as I usually do and step back again. Then as I arrive at the party I'm realizing that my mind is becoming fully aware that I will see you. Ignoring it quickly I forget and say my hello's. But the moment our eyes met as I looked over on accident, not knowing you were there, you saw me. It was during my glance, so I didn't bother to take that second look. Moving on, I pretend to be present around my friends, even though I already entered that other world I'm used to.
Moments later you came inside and say hello and I smiled for you, because I still love you. Despite my pain and confusion, I was still so happy to see you. You then came over and explained that you had a gift for me. Internally I jumped up, but in reality I slowly got up from my seat and followed you. When you gave me a rock, which holds more meaning than anyone could understand, I was content. But when you handed me an extra little gift, so simple and small, I was attached to you all over again. And although it makes me mad how easy it is for me to forgive you, in all honesty, it feels meant to be.
I try not to stare, I try to avoid gazing into those eyes of yours because I know I'll get sucked in so deep if I do. But it's almost no fair how much it affects me. I am being teased just by you sitting next to me. Just by you talking to me. And does this mean that we have to break off our what-seems-our-undying-friendship? Again? I know I dream big. Settling for less or giving up is so unlike me. Getting my heart to change its mind once it's made up is like taking candy from a baby. I cannot do it, either. I just cannot.
So here I am again, placed right back where I started. Drawn to you because you know how to make me happy. Drawn to you because when I try to let go, or when I try to ignore you, you come back better than ever. Drawn to you because I know you and you know me so well. Because you make me feel worth it. Because you motivate me to try. Because you give me words to sing and without you, I cannot utter a decent melody. Without you, I am only but half a person.
You were placed in my life at the time I would have never guessed I needed you. I've battled and fought for so long, trying to figure out what I should do. As every arrow pointed to you, I gave in and loved you hard. Now I've felt so hopeless, so broken, and I simply pray that God pulls me out. I pray He makes a way where there seems to be no way and gives me the strength to carry on. I pray He never gives up on you.
He taught me how to love you, and He's the reason I could never give up.
사랑해
Moments later you came inside and say hello and I smiled for you, because I still love you. Despite my pain and confusion, I was still so happy to see you. You then came over and explained that you had a gift for me. Internally I jumped up, but in reality I slowly got up from my seat and followed you. When you gave me a rock, which holds more meaning than anyone could understand, I was content. But when you handed me an extra little gift, so simple and small, I was attached to you all over again. And although it makes me mad how easy it is for me to forgive you, in all honesty, it feels meant to be.
I try not to stare, I try to avoid gazing into those eyes of yours because I know I'll get sucked in so deep if I do. But it's almost no fair how much it affects me. I am being teased just by you sitting next to me. Just by you talking to me. And does this mean that we have to break off our what-seems-our-undying-friendship? Again? I know I dream big. Settling for less or giving up is so unlike me. Getting my heart to change its mind once it's made up is like taking candy from a baby. I cannot do it, either. I just cannot.
So here I am again, placed right back where I started. Drawn to you because you know how to make me happy. Drawn to you because when I try to let go, or when I try to ignore you, you come back better than ever. Drawn to you because I know you and you know me so well. Because you make me feel worth it. Because you motivate me to try. Because you give me words to sing and without you, I cannot utter a decent melody. Without you, I am only but half a person.
You were placed in my life at the time I would have never guessed I needed you. I've battled and fought for so long, trying to figure out what I should do. As every arrow pointed to you, I gave in and loved you hard. Now I've felt so hopeless, so broken, and I simply pray that God pulls me out. I pray He makes a way where there seems to be no way and gives me the strength to carry on. I pray He never gives up on you.
He taught me how to love you, and He's the reason I could never give up.
사랑해
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