It's a Promise.

Dearest Future Husband,

If I could tell you absolutely anything right now, I would tell you that I am still waiting for you. I haven't stopped. I got distracted, but I haven't stopped. I'm much too picky to give in to just anyone, but I know you'll have the strength to break the walls I build. I've been struggling a terrible amount trying to live this life without you around. I finally feel like I've looked away from such distractions and now I simply see that imaginary face of yours. It's a sad place to be back at, but it's better than mistaking you once again.

I just imagine us being exactly what we dream to be, and laughing over everything possible because we'd be so happy. With this mass amount of waiting that I've done, you're worth every day of it. I cannot comprehend why it is that I cannot know you. All I crave is just that simple hug and being your best friend. I can only imagine what I wish you to be, but I accept you'll be better.

I'm going to be traveling the world, but my biggest wish now is that you'll get to eventually join along. I miss you in ways I cannot explain. All the glimpses I've received of you, from what I believe, have been fantastic but the one thing I've yet to see is the love you will have. I've met people with traits I only dream you might have, but each of them lacked the companionship I'd need. I cannot say I know what is taking this so long, but I am here, and I am waiting.

I'm more than ready to love you unconditionally, to never leave your side, and to help you all the days of your life. I'm more than ready to surprise you with just-because gifts and write you songs you'll not forget. Whatever it is that I lack that is causing a delay in our meet, I simply pray God points it out and builds it inside of me as soon as possible. I've remained completely single for 22 years in high hopes that you'd be my first. And I still hope for that. If I shut my eyes from the male species, promise not to give up on me when I have a difficult time recognizing you. I've been hurt quite a bit in my past by unrequited feelings. But I understand they happened because they were not you.

Please, I ask you. Please do not give up on me. I desire to love you and I am afraid to mistake you again. But I'm waiting just for you. I promise you that.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann
Your Future Wife
♥♥

I Need You.

Dear God, I know you've moved me on, you've changed me, and removed me from a really hard situation. But the truth is, I find myself missing having such a big purpose in someone's life. I remember I invested so much into it. I'm able to accept having another calling, another task, and someday loving another human being like that and more. But the longer I go without it, the more I feel like it's missing.

I know You complete me, and You're the reason why I've been able to be happy and believe. But what was the reason behind that huge battle? I change, I did. But what about the prayers I prayed? Is it not over? I'm so sorry that I constantly keep asking You why. I know You're moving me to something greater. But having that particular human being around shows me the slight little happiness I once had and how it's still there. It shows me the companionship I got to develop. It breaks my heart just a bit to now be at such a loss for actions.

I have this dream, that maybe you'll introduce to me someone who will be all that and more. He will help me learn what it feels like for something completely new and different, with much more hope. I don't want to hold on to someone who cannot give back what I deliver. I don't want to hold on to someone that I am not meant to be with. I don't want to hold on to someone that does not desire me. Truthfully, I want to be satisfied with You. But no matter how many times I tell myself, after I smile for you, I still have to fight off that longing.  You made me this way. I'm aware that You know that.

So I simply ask You this tonight. That you grant me the patience to endure this. That you fill inside of me the proper love for not only You, but the "one" you made me for. That I can recognize who he is and finally be able to openly love him without holding back. Please, God. I just want to be able to love someone deeply without the added hardship of unrequited desires or love. If there is no one for me, please take these desires away. It hurts an incredible amount. I don't want to make such a mistake and hurt myself. It seems You've protected me all this time.

But where is he? Craving his nearness and care is difficult. Please take it away, God. Please. I do not know how. I really don't. I've tried and tried, but I cannot. I have this sort of sticky heart. It likes to latch on to someone, even if I'm picky. And I am finding myself confused for the first time as to who it is stuck to. Where has it gone? Where is my heart!? 

You are all I need, and I just want some guidance in this time. I feel like my trip to England next year holds deeper meaning than I know. Adjust my feelings, straighten my focus, and forgive me for being this confused. I know You have a plan for my life. But my old purpose that lasted 4 years seemed to have come to an end this past Summer. Now I find myself lost.

What was the real purpose in that?

Sincerely,

Your Confused Child,

Stephanie Ann

p.s.

I really need You this time.

The Curiosity Increased.

I'm sure this is perfectly normal for a 22-year-old. To have such wonders, wants, and curiosities. I get these split-second urges to do something about the lack in my life of a certain thing, but I've not enough impatience to drop all that I've worked for and waited for just to have a temporary fulfillment. Now, I'm sure this hardly makes any sort of sense, and there's really no other way to say it without being straight forward. Ultimately I think it's the most silliest thing to admit, but in the end, I do nothing about it to change it. I don't feel it's in my control or in my hands.

Or is it?

Is it really my fault? I've waited this long and now it feels like just the right time to find what I've lacked. Because I've purposely waited, and fought a long battle where I had to ignore these thoughts and feelings and live without being fulfilled my wishes and desires. I'm just a normal human being, a young lady at that, and I'm growing more each day. The curiosity is seriously going to kill me! I know it won't last long. And I'm probably one step away. But the key is...to control it. It's what I've been doing. I go through stages.

Then I get a glimpse of what it might be like and suddenly I'm a starving child, craving the tiniest amount of food. I hold myself back, I accept yet another day without. But why on earth was I made this way and allowed to even FEEL this? I've heard every advice I could be given, I've encouraged myself, and I do NOTHING based off my feelings. You could encourage me to wait, and trust me, I will! It's what I've been doing. You could tell me not to worry about it, and I'm not worrying. I'm curious! I'm starving! I'm being silly, right? I know it'll be worth the wait. It already feels  beyond worth the wait. If I had it now, I'd be beyond thankful and I'd love a tons more than I allow myself to now.

Because the truth is...I want what will last forever, and I'll put my time and effort into making it the absolute best. I have learned to love a person who did not give back as much, love as much, or desire anything more at all. After such a lesson, I know for a fact that I will overly appreciate when my times comes and I receive the opposite. The right one. The person I can accomplish dreams with, shine a light with, and share a life with. He must be out there somewhere! I've saved myself for him. And I know he'll recognize me when I come along. Somehow.

I selfishly pray that is soon because life without him is getting really difficult. He keeps me waiting, curious, and going insane for that warm hug! He may not know he's doing this to me, but he is. He's the one I'll say yes to, the one I'll help and lift up with kind words. It isn't just anyone. It's SOMEONE. A particular person, chosen ahead of my time. To make this world a better place, together he and I.

♥

Wherever you are, you're driving me crazy! Yet I wait for you... ♥