You Tolerate Too Much.

You tolerate too much of me and I even more of you. It's hard not to see what I see. I've accomplished the eyes of faith, seeing what is not visible. Who would have known you held the proper patience this whole time?

Eight Days.

In approximately eight days away from this very writing I will be considered twenty years of age. Thoughts like what I'll be doing to celebrate, or who I'd like to see are what cross my mind. But speeding it's way through right into my face of mind I see what I truly desire. Maybe about two things are on my list. You see, I missed it last year. And the year before. But now would be a really nice time to hint such a gift. I'ven't spoken a word on it, but eventually I might.

In these eight days that I will be waiting, I'm not quite sure how I'll spend them. Nineteen is such an awkward age. You're an adult, but you're also a teen. This age has brought me the beginning of building blocks, but it sure hasn't brought be a building. What I hope for when twenty comes around is a rooftop. I suppose that's asking for a lot, but then again, I've secretly been asking for it for my last two birthdays. I am in fact most thankful that I've lived this long while still maintaining a smile here and there. Because in eight days I'll be creating a new smile.

I decided that when I turn twenty, my life is changing.

A Little Rain.

Dearest weather, you read me well. You're capable of sunny days, but sometimes you understand it's time for a little rain. It's as if the water represents all the small things that we gather over time. As you soak in just enough, you pour it all out. No need to feel ashamed of shedding those tears though. I've come to understand you completely. You're aware that there is hope beyond the storm and I admire that. Because when these gray clouds pass, that sun will come shining through. And a promise is yet again fulfilled. You would not flood us.

I suppose I never needed to know how much I can bear. Seven months ago I felt at the end of my rope. Seven months ago I felt more weak than ever before. But seven months later, I made it. I doubted that patience and strength somehow, I know I did. But God proved me wrong and got me here anyway. I just needed to believe. I still believe. Past promises are not forgotten, they're just sometimes hidden away to be fulfilled on perfect timing. My promise has yet again been revealed to me and I will see to it that I persevere until it comes.

With God, all things are possible. ♥

Overly Happy.

You caught me and I didn't even know. You asked me why I was shaking. Would you expect me to tell you it was because of you, or could you just assume? I didn't know I was shaking though, trust me. I thought it was over because we were nearly at the end of our time spent. I should have been calm at that point. I like the extra hour we spent in your truck. Although I don't know anyone who lets me stall so long. I'll just blame you for making me so used to doing it. Maybe you were stalling too though. Maybe you're not too bad after all.

I've never sat at a restaurant without looking at the menu for the first few minutes. The waitress came over three times before we actually gave the menu some attention. You see, it's little things like that in which I hold dearly. To be able to laugh over almost everything. Although I felt so overly happy this time. It was a bit harder for me to bring it down a notch with the whole smiling thing. But you quite went along with it very well. In fact, you seemed just as happy. Let's just face it. You bring out the best in me, in which I notice the best in you.

I guess I love you. :)

I Can Tell You Now.

I can tell you how I'll feel before I even see you. I know exactly what I'll be thinking and what things you say that will highly affect me. Sadly, I am much too used to this cycle. We ride around it like a playlist on loop. I've come to dream to hear a new song, but I won't jump to something new without you.

When I see you, I am going to feel nervous. I get anxious right before you arrive and I calm myself by taking deep breaths. When I see you, one million thoughts will cross my mind at once. Then I'll act like I'm being what you call normal and spit out words just to remain calm. I won't be calm at all though, I can tell you that. My hands might shake a little as I hide them so you don't notice. You'll look happy, you'll be smiling, and you'll be acting completely normal since it's easy for you. Nothing will be happening with you the way it will be with me and I'll be thinking about that too. Traveling deep into my heart I'll  be taking note on that and it'll stab me slightly and I'll add it to my jar of reasons to cry. Once I receive enough reasons, that jar will explode later on when you're gone.

We'll eat together and it'll feel so special. Everyone around us might assume we're a couple and I'll realize I'm thinking of their thoughts too. I'll try my best to ignore that and I'll enjoy your company. Then I'll look into your eyes and remember what we're not. You see, I'm horrible at this. And the only way for it to stop, the only way for me to not react this way is to leave you. To never see you again and pretend like our friendship never existed. Of course, I cannot escape what pain that would bring me unless I chose to ignore that too. But it is impossible for the human mind to choose to forget something that previously meant a lot.

When you leave and drive away, I'll watch you. I'll realize how great I felt around you and take a deep breath before sighing it off. I'll slowly walk inside, looking around the tiny house, and as I walk to my room, I'll tear up. I'll sit in the silence and eventually the tears will pour harshly down my face. I'll cry out to God, asking for yet another dose of strength and faith and stand back up. Once the crying stops, I'll continue on and ask how you're doing each day until I see you again. I'll love you no matter what and I'll wait even if I'm waiting for a long time.

But who knows. Maybe you'll prove me wrong tomorrow. Maybe you'll give us a new playlist. Either way, I'll sing along.

A Letter to a Feeling of Failure.

Dear Feeling of Failure,

Please depart from me. You depress me beyond measure and I've come to really dislike you. You tell me I've lost the game while it's still going. As if I've lost what I found before it could even leave. Maybe it's not going to leave; what right do you have to spit on me? I intend to resist you and ignore you. But I'd much appreciate it if you walked away altogether.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

Unidentifiable.

You've this way about you that I cannot quite identify yet. Not that I've tried. I ponder upon it every so often, wondering how someone like you can exist in my world. It always somehow felt, if not just subconsciously, like the perfect touch to my life. I remember you when I first discovered your eyes. We were quite young, but we only got younger. Of course, I had no idea what would happen ahead in time. You were just that young man who forced conversation toward me, but I grew to appreciate it. Even if I kept that fact hidden at the time. Perhaps for the first time I felt noticed in a much different way. You gave me something I clandestinely knew I craved.

Trying to explain you is like trying to explain the texture of air. That description merely cannot occur, for it's just something you feel. And maybe that's what this has been this entire time. Maybe you've become like the wind to me. I wish it had an appearance to capture into words, but it does not. I've always wondered if you could tell I've looked into your eyes for more reasons than one. There's a mixture of pain and love, so hard to ignore. I've the willingness to let you go, but the strength I know not. I'd whisper a good-bye and let you go on in that life you live. I might only hold you down and I'm afraid to see you hurt me. I have a fear that you might commit such an action that will break my heart into a million pieces and I try so very hard to erase such a thought. I ignore it quite well though, especially when we're happy.

You serve a purpose in my life and it's the very reason why we ever met. I knew not that our worlds would collide upon our first meet. But the most tender part of my heart is highly glad that it did. For you to see this and feel this would be the only way to transfer the unspoken knowledge I've gained. You have the power to be even better and greater as a human being. And if I am allowed, I'd love to accompany you along your journey through life. Just to see you smile over and over again.

When I'm Around You.

I'll be honest with you. I tried to knock on the door in calmness and wait for your face to appear on the other side upon the opening. I tried to act what normal is said to be when I walked in. I tried to ignore those tiny thoughts that scattered across my mind. I tried to give you the gifts I had with glee and saw that my hands were shaking. I tried to calm them, hoping you did not notice. I tried to pretend I was completely fine, just like you seemed to be. My mind, my heartbeat, it was on a fast track and I could not slow it down enough. I tried to expand the time somehow to become much longer because I knew I was happy there.

When I left, I hated it. I wanted to run back and have ice cream with you. I know it may not be what I dream it to be, but it's something nonetheless. I only cry because I wish you understood and saw what I saw. I try to control this as best as I could because I'm so used to it. I control it without thinking. But I think about it the whole entire time. I enjoy your company with the constant thought that I love you. I ponder on your entity, wishing I could take care of it for the rest of your life. I dream to be your helper and you don't even know.

You may not see me the way I see you. But I guess I'm still glad you see me. I guess I'm still happy there's time. Just as long as you and I are alive. Just as long as my heart is still beating for you. There's time.

Ineffable.

There are no words. Because, you see, this is not something to understand, but to feel. If I were to attempt to explain, I'd fear it'd come off as not what I truly mean. It's something you'll only be able to find by looking long and hard into the windows to my soul. Just read me like a book like you always have. I cannot utter a single word from my heart for it is only spoken in silence.

I'm only capable of remembering in such detail all the wonderful memories we've ever created. I wish I could hold this in from you, but that'd only make me a liar. I'm not unmoved by your existence, I'm shaken. Through every battle we've ever been through, we've grown stronger. We only made it through it all because we were meant to. And I would not take back a moment between you and I, for every single one served a perfect purpose.

The answer is so simple, always staring me in the face. Yet it has become so very hard to comprehend because I tried too hard. All I need to do is let go and let God. I'll continue to search for words for you, but you'll only ever understand when you feel it. See, it's inside of my heart, somewhere planted. Your smile waters it and it cannot help but grow from there. I love you with all that I have and I want to. Because when I'm ever torn and beaten from life's daggers, I discover your honest and sincere care. All that you've become to me has proven to be ineffable.

♥

Awaiting Delivery.

I've eagerly waited at the door from time to time. Checking every so often, wondering when my package will arrive. See, I was promised to receive it, and I believe it. I keep hoping each day it's finally time, but I'm very willing to wait for this particular gift. It's traveling its way to my doorstep, I know that it is. And although it has taken a much long time, I will keep waiting. My heart has grown the understanding that the most amazing things in life tend to take the most time. But in the end, they will always be worth it. As I peak outside the window, waiting for the small yet vast package to arrive, I know it'll come at the most perfect time I cannot imagine.

It'll be neither early, nor late.

I Should Not Have Written This.

I should not have visited you. I should have kept away and pretended I'd never see you again. I should not have laughed or smiled in your very presence. I should not have enjoyed what seemed like hours but only lasted minutes. I should not have been so happy over that tiny visit. I should not have driven away. I should not have left. I should not have cried that night when I remembered your smile.

My memory served me correctly--that I love you. Being there with you, if for just a moment, I knew exactly what my heart pleaded for. As much as I wish I could tend to its cry, I have no idea how. When I left, I wanted to turn around and go back. I had missed you too much. But I hope I placed in your hands the very existence of my care. Coming home, you see, I entered the life without you. I realized it again, I stared it in the face, and I loathed it. I cried because I wish you were in it the way I imagine you could be.

I got everything you wanted me to have to serve as a distraction. Overwhelmed I was, do not get me wrong, to be put in places I prayed for. Yet I still cry for you. I still feel the emptiness of your absence. But I'm still trying to pretend this isn't so, showing the strength I only think I still have. My hope refuses to run away from me. I make it one day at a time. Every single day you are comfortably on my mind, as if you have nowhere else to be. My smile is equal to my frown. Because even though you're not holding my hand, you're holding my heart. And even though you're not holding me close, I'm holding you close. Inevitably I weep upon the matter at hand but I cannot just walk away.

I should not have visited you because now I ache more harshly to see you again. I should have kept away and pretended I'd never see you again so that I'd silently cry myself away from your life. I should not have laughed or smiled in your very presence so you would not see that I love you. I should not have enjoyed those tiny minutes so you'd know I did not feel this way (but I do). I should not have driven away so I could have stayed with you just a little longer. I should not have left because I love you. I should not have cried that night when I remembered your smile because you are indeed still in my life.

You're all I can think of, and I wish I did not ignore my urge to hug you when you were standing right in front of me.

Colloquy of Heart to Confession.

Dear You,

I'm not sure you realize this, but your eyes are witnessing what you've lit on fire. You see, you planted this tiny seed inside my fingers allowing it to grow with the necessary water you provided. They took flight and soared across the alphabet, arranging pictures of words. Somehow you made a painting out of this and I enjoyed it entirely so. I still do. I've a candle burning to stay lit when the moon spends the night above us. You're in the painting you so dearly placed in my imagination. I suppose it would be impossible to thank you enough.

Your vision is embedded into the sole discretion of my heart. You see right through my eyes and through my mind all the way down to my fingertips. I pour out your inspiration and dedication to never leaving my simplistic creativity. Although I remain unsure if you are aware of this. Quite much time ago you opened a box with a screaming voice and it has made its way outside and into my world. It begged intensely for quite a time ago and shall now thank you beyond measure for setting it free.

So although I'm unsure whether you realize this or not, you deserve more than a reward. Your entire being has served such a vast purpose with my very existence. The path that led you to speak out volumes into my hearing was so perfectly planned. So that a decent time later I would be writing out into the alphabetic clouds a story of my very growth from dull to excellence. Words would form like flowers in a garden that you tenderly took care of. My greatest and most sincere gratitude of this favor you have done for me. I will remain in high hopes that through my colloquy of heart to confession, you will come to thoroughly penetrate the very entity of my enduring fidelity.

Sincerely,
The Inspired