2010 is Approaching.

I don't know about you, but I get a strong feeling that 2010 is a year of answers to 2009's questions.
Or something like that.

All battles will have happy endings.
Confusion will have happiness.
Thoughts will have reasons.
People will have purposes.
(They always have).
But now you'll possibly understand why.
New opportunities.
New people.
Lasting friendships.
Breakthroughs.
Miracles.
If you had a year of pain, this is a year of rewards.
If you had a year of rewards...then enjoy your year of new battles. ;)
Or just new situations.
New things to enjoy, to endure, to believe in.
2010 must make a difference.
Because I'm pretty tired of 2009.
No offense.
I loved you while you lasted.
But I'd like something new now.

It's almost here.
Be ready!

It's Odd.

Sometimes I know, sometimes I don't--I've yet to understand. The thoughts I have run around in circles. I'm happy, then I'm not sure what I am, then I'm happy again. At least I manage happiness lately.
I'm under the impression that God is preparing a miracle to surprise me. I've received the message for quite some time now (over a year) and I'm not really sure if I'll be given the miracle or if it's still being prepared. Perhaps  I haven't recognized it. Either way, I am in the waiting for God's providence. In the meantime though, I am walking by faith.

It's odd because this wasn't a slow fade to something new. It was way too instant. Why does that happen to me? I guess it's better than slowly dying, but still! I get moved on and I'm not even sure if He's moving me on or just giving me a break! I'm not worried in no way, and I absolutely cannot explain that to anyone in enough detail to understand. This being a public blog, it should be understandable.

On the bright side, I'm envisioning a bright near future. As I wait though, I am finding things to distract myself with and keep myself busy. So far, I'm feeling quite great!

That's the odd part. ;)

Love,
Stephanie Ann

New Photography Blog. :)

To those who may be reading this and are interested in knowing about new or upcoming photo shoots, I finally created a blog specifically for that!

As you can tell, I've not posted much on this one lately. But hey, it's possibly because I was posting when I was emotional! But maybe I'll have something new to write soon. :)

So check out my new photography blog! I might even update it more often than this one. (Public secrets go here, tehe.)
Photography goes there.
Check it out here and there. I'll try and blog about photo shoot experiences, or just show some previews!
Maybe I'll even get a decent amount of followers. I never ask for them, but I never promote this particular blog. I might actually promote the photography one!

http://sm-photoblog.blogspot.com

~Stephanie Ann

ASK.

Ask me ANY question you have! http://formspring.me/stephanieann

Much Better.

All it takes is forgetation, forgiveness if needed, and a taste of moving on. Open eyes, lips curved up, mindless thinking--much better. What a silly game to play, to wait, to expect--just BE. Let your existence grow and take off with the wind, landing where it pleases. Let not the heart shatter upon your ignorance and doubt; the pain it doesn't deserve. Whether life tosses pebbles at your window or rocks, don't waste your time complaining about the broken glass. Let the air flow in and take you away; let it be fresh.

Don't let your feelings catch a disease of non-important factors. They're precious, you know. Your memories can bring you back home, or chase you away. Choose them to be memories that will grow you stronger. There's a reason for every obstacle built in our paths. To avoid them is preposterous because they're a part of the race we so dearly run. Life is the light in your eyes and the blood in your veins. To end it due to pain would stop us before we won and never take us to the prize.

Smiles screaming, lights glistening, happiness dancing around in every direction--it's okay to dream the future. Who's to say you'll fall off a cliff if you could very well climb the tallest mountain? We're always one step away from another opportunity and two steps away from success. No sense in going backward when forward holds something better. We're meant to suffer for great things just so we know what an accomplishment is.

Let your heart taste candy and let it be sweet. Love doesn't have to be a thousand miles away if you'd simply form it in front of you. Let life throw the rocks at your windows and catch them when they come. Hunt down every falling star and store it in a place to not forget. Capture the laughter and store it in a jar. Let not your mind cut off your circulation but rather massage your emotions. Touch the sky like it's right in front of you and let it run for miles. Make infinity your limit and believe in the unreachable. Life is your existence. Smother it.

Almost When I Did.

Almost when I thought I was doing quite well--I was feeling great, I was fine--it all finds its way back, staring me hard in the face. It was almost screaming at me to remind me it's around me and has not left me. I could brush it off and ignore it, but that doesn't necessarily take it away. It's like my feelings know when I'm better and make it a goal to destroy it. Perhaps it's better to take down something when it's great rather than when it's horrible. Maybe it's the only time I can handle it. I will be okay, of course. I just really want to find my place.


At church on Sunday we all went to the front and the pastor prayed over everyone individually. While I was standing there with my eyes closed, I realized I need to pray it out. I cannot hold anything in because God wants it all. So I did. I prayed how I felt and told God I wanted something new. To get me out of anything that hurts me and to find something new! Soon the pastor was praying over me and his words hit me hard. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It's not that he could read my thoughts, but that God was speaking through him. I could tell because he said exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment.


Take away the doubt and fear from her, Lord. Give her something new.


I wish I could remember his exact words, but it was the feeling it gave me that mattered most. Was I really doubting again? When I think I'm not, am I? I had fear and I was leading towards doubt. Again. 


God has His ways and I am very thankful.


Tonight I realized I felt alone. Not that I'm alone, but that I felt alone and I had no idea! I've ignored this thought for such a long time now. But maybe that's it! I'm lacking a feeling I've never had before, a comfort from someone else. I don't understand how it is to have someone look highly upon me. I don't know how it feels to have someone just hold me for protection and care. I don't have someone to unleash my love upon, someone to take care of. For nineteen years I've just been me. 


But now I'm still me, wondering how it would feel, wondering when my time will come to at least know how it feels. I've pushed away many guys who hinted they're interested. I didn't want an attraction from someone. I wanted a friendship. To get to know me because it came naturally. To never go out of their way to please me. All this time and I could only manage to make one friendship with someone unintentionally who built walls around them. I fell into a trap of pain and when I wanted out, I fell back in. And now I just scream, "PLEASE, GOD. Give me something NEW."


At one time I felt close to Matthew. And now I feel miles away...

Distance Contained.

[I spoke too soon and must write.]

The day was special, up until the end. But the moment I decided to let it all go and change my mood, you turned down my offer of a hug; my action made to feel better. I'll look past that, I planned to do it while you made up excuses. It wasn't my intention to appear rude--I cracked. Your attitude did not change even for that one day--my day to be exact. I was used to most of it, but do you ever stop? I'm not sure you considered any of my feelings that day. And now I'm left with one memory of it all. For the most part the day was good. Of course, it'd make more sense if it was just a normal day. But it wasn't.

You've known me longer, but probably made her day better. For me it's "happy birth anniversary" because that makes more sense to you. But for her, it's "happy birthday" with a little extra added, of course. Maybe you saw her, and maybe she got a hug. Maybe her feelings aren't wrestled with and she's fine and dandy. You please her just enough for nothing to matter.

I force nothing upon you and silence my speech. There's nothing you can do unless it contains distance. You can't even prove that a hug means nothing. I won't ask for one anymore. I never really do, but for the sake of my day and you somehow being one of my close friends, I thought I'd ask (seeing as how it didn't come naturally). But that's okay, it's just not your thing anymore. Who knows what happen to that person; I sorta miss him, but I'll get over it.

I'm beyond thankful for the kindness you did show. I guess I just wish it ended well instead. Or maybe I wish I was emotionless and didn't really care. Maybe I wish a new personality helped me forget everything. I'm trying to forget your existence now for the sake of my heart. If the friendship isn't mutual, it's hardly friendship. You work out nothing with me, so I need to stop trying. I seek to please those around me by being a better person. I do it often with you. But if you don't see it that way, then I suppose nothing matters.

Now I'm left with one memory of it all. On my day...you couldn't even say happy birthday to me.

Our friendship now contains distance. Maybe you're happy now.

Lack of Writing!

I haven't felt like writing lately. And by writing, I mean thinking more creative! This post doesn't technically count. But I thought I'd update sorta of WHY I don't feel like writing!

That means I need something new! Everything is the same old stuff. So now I'm just waiting for something new, while enjoying my days and trying to get back into photography for myself. Facebook applications have been addicting, haha!

Well, I took new pictures today of myself! But I need to edit photos for other people. But still, I was home alone and felt like trying stuff again! I think they're okay. Not anything new, stuff I've done before. Except the outfits are different of course. I teased my hair and it still died and isn't that tangled! Weird. But I need a shower anyway.

That's about it! Here is a small preview of the photos I took today...

Yes, it's one where my face is covered. Trust me, it's better that way with unedited photos. Haha!









Another preview:

Your Heart in My hands.

Place your heart in my hands,
And I promise I'll take care,
Occasional polishing, constant love,
We'll be a perfect pair.

If your tender heart,
Discovers deep pain inside,
I'll find the cure,
No need to hide.

I know it's tough,
This life we live,
But I'm willing to live it,
With a lot to give.

It may be difficult for me,
I'll grow from my mistakes,
But I'll wait for what God has,
No matter how long it takes.

So place your heart in my hands,
And I promise I'll take care.
Occasional polishing, constant love,
You're my perfect pair.

Moving On.

The thought came to me that we are only required to move on when we have something to move on to. I do not believe God asks us to move on from something unless He has set forth the next stepping stone for us to take. Perhaps there are times when the world screams for us to move on because we've doubted the place we stood. But if there is nothing to move on to, then that's possibly not what God wants you to do. We continue the walk, the journey, and embrace all the moments surrounding us. To purposely walk away as an act of doubt will lead us nowhere special.

I think that there are people and things that are meant to come and go. Just as much as there are people and things that are meant to stay. We know when we've found exactly what we needed and we hold onto it. It's the very thing that gives us hope. To know that we are not required to suffer but to endure; to learn and grow. For some situations we move on, and for others we fight. But unless God provided another stepping stool, our call is on the one He already has us on.

I can repeatedly cry out, "Why, God? Why me?" I can spend the time crying in my pillow, absolutely confused with my circumstances. But there is always one thing I remember... He has given us exactly what we needed to grow stronger. He has provided us the strength. In fact, He holds us through the storms, and helps us fight our battles. If we're going through a tough fight...it's because He knew we were strong enough. I may be weak, but He's strong enough for me.

God has showed me how strong I am through Him. He has proven to me that I am capable of being a warrior. I could honestly say I would have never thought I could handle what I handle today. And this I smile upon. To realize how utterly amazing God is to bring me through the many storms and still put a smile on my face. I still experience pure joy and happiness. I still gain excitement. I still have the urge to love in the most troubled times.

If you're not meant to be somewhere, God will provide a way for you to move toward. In constant prayer, you can be sure of where that is. Because the moment you step away from God, you walk in darkness with nothing to light your way. But in lightness, you can be sure of where you are and where you're going. Reach out to the one He's calling you for and provide unconditional love. Only when He guides you another way shall you move on. If there is one thing that we all secretly crave within, it's to know someone will never give up on us.

Fight the battle until it's over. Because rejoicing in the end makes the whole fight worth it.

Extreme Hope.

I have this extremely strong hope forming. A faith that the most incredible thing is going to happen. I feel like the pieces are slowly falling together. Even though I may not know what exactly is going to come my way, I have a happiness because of it. I wish I knew, I did, but at the same time I'm glad I don't. I like surprises, it makes the prize more enjoyable.

The other day I wrote the words,

"I have grown in love with the concept of the unexpected."

I realized I really do like the unexpected things. I used to know what I want, expect what I want, but I had no idea. Slowly God was teaching me that sometimes it's better when it happens a different way. So in each small thing He started teaching me to wait and be patient--to not give up. I expect something to happen one way only for it to go completely different. But that's the beauty in it all.

I have hope. A hope that I pray is never taken away. It has left me extremely excited for the harvest.

Dear Future!

Dear Future,

Surprise me with life gifts filled with joy and unexpected miracles! Surprise me with people and their actions! Surprise me with opportunities!

But most of all, remember my hope I have today.

Love,
Stephanie Ann

Just Another Answer.

I'm afraid to become impatient, or demand God to move. I trust His timing and His choices. I just need continuous guidance from Him because I'm afraid I'll easily make my own path. I know He is moving and He has been moving. He's showed me tiny blessings, movements, miracles, and signs.

But I am becoming torn between two different worlds. One I live in, and one I want to live in. The one I want to live in is the one I've dreamed to live in. But who am I to know what I need? I just want an answer. But if not that answer to the question I have, then perhaps a knowledge that I'm going down the right path.

The only important thing is to know you're following God. When I read His word, sometimes I think maybe the answer is staring me in the face. But it is. God is the only One who knows how to mend a broken heart. The only One who knows how to give us unending love and exceeding happiness. He provides the joy we seek and the love we long to have. He's absolutely my everything.

All I desire is to love with an unconditional love. To be that big difference in my generation. I hope and pray with all the faith I have that I will in fact make a different in at least o n e person's life.

Surreptitious Thoughts.

Sometimes we’re oblivious to our own thoughts and we continuously allow them to pass until one day our eyes open. We then realize that we’ve had secret thoughts we were unaware of. Reality slaps us in the face and confesses all our surreptitious thoughts. Perhaps it’s just me, or maybe it happens to everyone. We can’t know when we’ll see our hidden thoughts, but we’ll know once it happens. It’s not something we speak of until it’s revealed—but maybe that’s the beauty in it all. We could be missing out on the most precious treasure in our lives! Which means that eventually we’ll discover it and enjoy it.

Hiding thoughts can be an interesting thing when we hide compliments from someone else. Eventually it just bursts out at the perfect timing and we see that it’s exactly what the other person needed. Although we kept it secretly to ourselves, they were longing to hear it. And perhaps they were oblivious to their longing to hear it! The moment the words escape our mouth new secret thoughts form. Maybe it’s this one big cycle our mind goes through and never informs us of!

Maybe I’m not making any sense. Or maybe I’m making complete sense. I’ve been unaware of my own thoughts and they’ve slowly been revealed to me. I realize that I was drawn to something that only time could make known to me. Even the smallest things could change our life. Too often we lack to take the road that could make a difference.

Unexplainable Happiness.

I'm not sure what got into me, I was this completely crazy person laughing over the dumbest things. I don't know why I had random urges to run or lay in the middle of the road acting dead. But it has occurred to me that I've recently been happier than before. I guess I don't have full control over it. I think I'm just being me, but I'm shining extremely bright, despite my obliviousness to the change.

Honestly, are you experiencing any unexplainable happiness at all? I don't get you. The happiness is enough for me though. I guess I can quit hiding it. I sure won't deny it either. I'm done trying to ignore the tiny things that stand out. I'll just let them happen. It interests me and it's somehow fun! To hear you answer my question before I ask it, or read my mind. I get the urge to hit you because I fail to remember your reaction. Perhaps hitting is my way of making an alternate to hugging.

I suppose that is rather pathetic. As much as I love hugs, I think I don't give them to you because it might be awkward for you. I do notice how others are around you and I have realized that I am completely different. But I'm fine with that, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

All I know is that nothing should ruin this happiness.

It serves a purpose. :)

X Marks the Happiness.

Maybe happiness was a buried treasure in the most obvious places. Maybe happiness had giant, bold, and bright x's for us to find and dig up. Too often we walked right over it. Maybe it's merely our fault for not digging up the happiness.

It's not something we should be afraid of, to dig it up and find it. What if God sprinkled happiness in the most perfect places, so that we can water it and discover it? What if the only reason we don't have happiness is because we don't seek it--we don't find it! I won't be a failure at happiness. I want to embrace it and never let it go.

They say you know when you've found what you're looking for. You know because you stop questioning it. Once you question it, you don't know anymore. They say you just know when you get the right answer. You know because you don't wonder anymore, because you don't doubt you've found it. You know because you feel content and happy about it.

You know because you're happy.

Happiness is exactly where the treasure is. On a map to find the X, we strive to find it fast. But the journey to get the X makes it all the more special. It's happiness on that map, waiting for us to discover it and accept it. Will we bother to find the bold and obvious X? Or will we carelessly walk right over it?

You make the choice.

I'm discovering the happiness and I'm determined to water it.

Donations. :)

I'm trying to build a website, but I'm going to use this blog to test my Donate button!
Accepting donations with the choice of a print in return.
Choice of which photo(s) can be picked from my dA gallery.

There's an option for using your card to donate on the page (you don't need a paypal account).
Cash/check through mail is accepted too!

No Post In Too Long.

Where have I been, you wonder?

I've been living this crazy life of mine--from one extreme to the next. Emotions have been taking care of me, haunting me, torturing me, laughing at me, disagreeing with me, and making my pillow wet. But I've been learning, which is the most important part.

I'm going to have a photo on a book in January (possibly February). I'm really excited that I got the opportunity and really excited to see it! Today I received the check from the company. God has been blessing me. It's not the money that I'm happy about, it's the fact that He takes care of me. :)

That's about all I have to say for now. I'm home alone, but pretty hungry. Perhaps I'll go find something to eat...

In God I trust!

~Stephanie

P.S.
I put up some old blogs I had on my computer. They're underneath this one! :)

A Beautiful Puzzle of Imperfect Perfection.

September 17, 2009

If only I could explain it with perfect words. Too bad the words just do not exist. But that’s okay. Because clandestinely I believe that I do know exactly the thing I cannot explain. I almost lost the treasure, somehow, and I was preparing to move on. But there it goes shining again, finding its way back to me somehow. I feel as if I speak of happiness alone. I’m finding purpose by opening my eyes to my reality. Perhaps the exact thing I needed was just a reminder of what is.

I can hear the melody playing in the background. I’m picturing bright smiles, laughter, and the very presence of bliss. It’s a feeling I’ve missed, a sensation I’d hate to do without. I’m this completely different person when I lack such feelings, ready to give up, prepared to leave. But then I get this grand reminder that I must keep climbing this mountain that I like to call life.

I refuse to miss out on every plan that unfolded so dearly in front of my eyes these past couple years. I’ve received a beautiful puzzle of imperfect perfection—each piece having an intention behind it. It’s okay to believe it; I know it is because I’ve found faith. I’ve found answers to past questions and questions to future inquisitiveness. If only I could take a photograph of this feeling and hang it on my wall. Maybe then I’ll never forget it when I accidentally fall into almost doubt.

I want to savor these moments for as long as I can. I don’t want anything to destroy it anymore because I want to finally enjoy it. Here I am, overtaken by excitement, joy, and innocent impatience. If nothing can be perfectly fine in this world, then I know pain will find me yet again. But I also know I can make it through anything when I perfect a trust.

I’ve gained confidence more than I ever have before. I don’t know what to expect next, but that’s okay. I’ve come to enjoy the unexpected very much. In fact, it’s now what I look forward to. When situations get appalling, they can only get improved after that. Maybe all it ever takes is to believe that you’ll make it through. Maybe this whole time we only needed to believe in what our heart was truly telling us. Whether we can easily recognize that or not, it’s time to just let the words escape. Don’t hesitate to love what could make a difference.

Sometimes you have to let go. Sometimes you have to move on. Sometimes you have to leave what you loved most, just so you can recognize it. Just because you let go, doesn’t mean it won’t come back. You must remain patient and you must trust in providence.

Pride is not necessary for letting go.

A Reason.

I learned that in the hardest times, we learn the biggest lessons. Lessons to grow us into stronger people. That it doesn’t matter what we’ve done, but what we’ll do. And to choose to look beyond the past is sometimes the only way to move on and to keep going. It’s the moments when you want to give up that you realize giving up would only make you a failure. I’m convinced it is then that the start of change begins. Change is never a bad thing when we refuse to allow the past to play a part in it.

I feel like my eyes were opened in more ways than one. Because for a while I was confused and had no idea what was happening in my life. I shut out what I didn’t want to hear, and let in what I did. But what I didn’t want to hear was the exact thing I needed to hear. It was because of those things that I could truly learn what God was doing in my life. I’d never understand if I never bothered to listen. But I took that step, I had that courage, and I let it give me confidence.

I never realized that I struggled with fear until I wrote the words “I’m scared.” I found myself feeling that way a lot. But yet I had no reason to be scared. I just let myself feel that way. I couldn’t trust myself. No one should. How could I know the answers? What do I live off of? How could I know what’s right in my life? How could anyone? Surely there was something that could guide us—someone! Would we be left with absolutely nothing? Could we honestly trust yet another mind that was just like ours? Could every book in the library hold truth? If I can’t trust myself, how can I trust yet another human being?

We couldn’t have been left here with nothing to show us a way out. There has to be something much greater that holds every single answer we seek. There has to be a reason as to why people come and go. Why babies are born, and why people pass away. What kind of cycle is that if there is no purpose? We fight so many battles, we struggle with so many fears, so much pain—there’s a reason, there has to be!

If there’s a purpose, then there is a way out. When we curl up in a little ball in the darkness of a tiny room, crying until the tears stop coming, holding our heart, we can’t possibly be alone. As we sit there, we wonder, “Why do I feel this way?” And yet we do know. Sometimes the answer only comes when we need it most. We shouldn’t be scared as to what it is. There’s a divine intention behind everything. That is something that’ll give us purpose.

I used to tell myself, “Sometimes the answer is staring you in the face.” Because I said that, it got me thinking. Perhaps I was looking way too far ahead. I wanted one thing because I thought that it’d make me happy. But what if that allowed me to miss out on what I already did have? Maybe my dreams were the mere existence of my reality. Maybe I only dreamed it because I had it already, and yet had no idea. I wanted more, I wanted something else, and yet I had it. And until I realized I had it, I couldn’t embrace it yet.

When I know what’s there, the exact thing in front of me, I should hold onto it. I could never get what I want because it’s not what I need. And until I learn to want what I need, I shall never want anything beyond what I have.

Maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn.
Maybe it’s the lesson we all need to learn.

Letting Go of Matthew.

I knew the day would come where I’d have to do something I never thought I would. It would be something odd and a bit different, but make quite a vast difference in my life. It’d take time to fully understand, and even more time to get used to it. But I would do it. And after I did, I would expect him to go on too.


I could see it in his eyes that the moment was now. It’s like I looked at a completely different man. I began preparing for the worst before I even knew of a solo word out of his mouth. He didn’t even have to verbalize anything to me to cause a single teardrop after our departure.
But he did.

Every word coming out of his mouth shut me up, pushing me into the utmost silence of my life. I hoped with every hope I detained inside that he wouldn’t ask a question, as my tongue was ceased. I knew at that moment I was making this into the most dramatic point in time ever, but I couldn’t help it. He spoke of things I knew I had to accept.


His eyes looked straight into mine as the words so freely left his lips, “I can’t stand in the way of your life and be such a distraction. You deserve far more than this. You’ve held onto me for three and a half years. It’s time to move on, don’t you agree?”

There it was. The question. I had no idea of the answer as I searched my mind for one. I was making this harder than it should be. Fortunate enough for me, he didn’t need an answer to continue.

“I can’t make you happy, I can’t feel the way you do, and I certainly can’t live this imaginary life anymore. You’ll have to let go of me eventually.” His eyes looked dark with tiny sparkles in them. I could hardly detail his features in my mind anymore.
Finally I found my voice and spoke softly, “But without you I have no one.”
“No, without me you do. I’ll always stand in the way until you let go.” He was serious. As much as I wanted to deny his speech and argue against him, I was the one who’d be lying to myself.

“And why can’t I have you, yet still live my life? Why must I move on?” My eyes began to water, waiting for his reply.

“Because then you wouldn’t be making room for someone else.”

“Someone else?”

“Yes. Someone who could care for you. Someone who could make you laugh out loud. Someone who could take you places. Someone who could explore the world with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“But what if he never comes? What if the world is right? What if I believed in the non-existent? That there’s no one who’d simply just wait…”

“What if he does? What if the world is wrong? What if you believed in what you’d be given? That one day you’d find someone who didn’t need to tell themselves to wait to be what you deserved.”

“So I have to let go of you?”

“I’ll find my place. Eventually we’ll meet again, trust me. But it will indeed require more waiting.” He moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t explain how, but the hug seemed so real. I felt this overwhelming comfort that I never experienced before, only for the cold empty space in between us to form after he let go. As much as I wanted that hug to last, I knew I’d have to wait for another one to come after he left.

“I brought you here, I realize that,” I admitted, looking down. When I met his gaze again, I pondered, “Where exactly will you be?”

He chuckled, shaking his head, “That, my dear, I cannot declare. But you created our bond somehow, right?”
I felt saddened once again, “I don’t believe I’ll find someone as perfect as you are to me.”

“That’s because they’ll be even better. Trust me, he’ll stand out to you. You’ll have quite a strong companionship that’ll form into bondage. Your friendship will be special and different. But do me a favor?”

I tilted my head before replying, “A favor?”

“Yes. Don’t base anyone off of me. Don’t make me the standard.” He took my hand in his and held it gently, smiling. “I’m just your mere imagination. A symbolized version of what you desire. But sorry to say…no one knows what they need.”
“Ah, so I suppose I got your name wrong?” I gave him a shy smile.
“Well, yes, actually. But that’s okay. You like surprises, right?” He grinned down at me, still holding my hand. But I knew this marked our final minutes before I truly said good-bye.

“I’m sure he’ll amuse you so much so that you won’t even think of me anymore!”
“But I would be thinking of you.” I winked and smiled. “You’ll just have a different name. And perhaps a more detailed appearance. Maybe different favorites and different…well, a lot will be changed!”

“Yes, but for the better! A perfect little design by God just for you. I apologize if I don’t recognize you at first.” He frowned, letting go of my hand. Taking a step back, he added, “Don’t look for me when I’m gone. You won’t find me if you search.”
I nodded with a heartrending expression, knowing that this was the moment I’d be letting him go completely. But I wasn’t feeling any type of pain. It was more of an excitement, believing that somehow…this was the last step to making him genuine. In order to find him I had to let him go and trust him.

“Remember what you always told me?” he asked. “Sometimes the answer is staring you in the face. We’re so busy looking beyond what’s right in front of us that we miss out on the greatest things.”

“You’re completely right.”

“Duh. I’m perfect, remember? You created me.” He laughed aloud as I joined him.
“I look forward to meeting you again.” In conclusion, I gave him one last hug. He returned the hug with a warm embrace before stepping away to begin his journey. Turning around, he stared at me.

“Farewell,” he said strongly.

“Good bye, Matthew.”

At that moment I watched him walk away. Every perfect feature, characteristic, trait, and every detail I made of him began to fade. Every step he took represented every step I created. Slowly he was disappearing as I learned to let go with confidence. Soon enough I saw nothing in front of me. Now he was only a dream I refused to wake from before. And as I now felt more alive, I imagined the day he’d make his appearance again—as someone else in flesh.

I remembered his hug fairly well and missed it greatly.

Oh, How You Work.

God works in the most amazing ways. It's like He even speaks to me in the TINIEST ways, but yet it's just perfect. Turning my head while praying, mentioning that He helps me in the smallest ways, and looking at a tiny writing I wrote a long time ago on my wall that exact moment that says, "Jesus saves."

So many things He's doing even more amazing than that have left me so overwhelmed in His awesomeness. They've left me with a deep joy inside of me. It might burst, but that's okay! :)

To think He's doing this for me and my loved ones...I'm somewhat speechless!

Perhaps He's already given me the exact signs I needed. Perhaps He sent me the miracle already.
Maybe that's what I was waiting for. Maybe I was right. Maybe He HAS BEEN SPEAKING. ☺

So what next?

More waiting. But that's okay. It has gotten me great things so far.

All glory be to God. The One who promised me paradise in the end when I follow Him.
I can't pass that up.
I wouldn't risk it!

~STEPHANIE ANN

Refusing is Worse Than Lying.'

Refusing to say things is worse than lying about stuff to make it "feel" better.


Well what the heck!?


Okay, so I'm guilty of refusing to say things. Maybe because of my ANNOYING tiny fear of someone hating me or something because of it. Maybe not hating, but looking down on me, catorgizing me as someone who's "condemning." If I'm doing anything, it is NEVER condemning. That's not even my right to condemn. God did it because He made us, but thankfully He changed things up a bit after Jesus.


If I could write out my EXACT situation, I would. But I'm not, because no one would really understand and human advice doesn't work.


But I noticed something. We use other things to justify stuff. I know, that's not really detailed at all.


Just because someone is doing another thing that I see as "wrong" doesn't mean I can use that to say it's okay to do wrong too!--wait-what? I'm trying not to feel all mad and roused up right now. I'm not mad, I'm hurt. Why? Don't ask. >.>


What kind of life do we want to live anyway? Where ARE the answers? Did God leave us here with NOTHING? Do we MAKE UP the answers ourselves because it sounds good? Why are people hating? Why are people becoming rebellious? Where's our COMMON SENSE? Seriously!


I think it's funny how people react about God and Jesus, which clearly shows it's not just something made up because then they'd react the same about everything else. But HE happens to be the one they flinch on. I won't get too into that though because I have other things on my mind. A LOT of other things, but whatev.


Perhaps there is a reason you're reading this right now. Whatever lead you to my blog. I mean... maybe somehow you'll see so deep into this you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I don't even want comments, but I'm allowing them just in case someone thinks they understand me.



How many things are we going to start allowing until we learn to STOP?


You know what I've heard WAY too many times? That divorce is becoming the normal, that it's allowed, and that no one "condemns" them or whatnot.

That doesn't make divorce all the more OKAY, allowing others to believe if they do that, we can do other things.

You know WHY Jesus "allowed" divorce? Because of sexual immorality and such. Not that it's allowed, but that it happens. God hates it, and He never said otherwise.

But man makes mistakes in the beginning. Rushing to make a permanent bond and failing to keep it.


Some people are MADE to be, some people just WANT to be.


But life isn't about finding someone to be 'complete' with, but rather allowing God to complete you. It's an offer of satisfaction that lasts forever verses temporary things.

I see it as the world is temporary and God is permanent. Anything from the world is temporary. Anything from God lasts FOREVER.

An offer of LOVE, CARING, LIFE, instead of SIN, HATE, ANGER, DEATH. An offer that I'd regret to not take. An offer I can't imagine passing up!


How do you KNOW there will be blessings unless you TAKE that stand? It's OKAY to believe in a God of Love. To believe in life after death, and spending our lives in eternity. It's like being "better safe than sorry."


I'm refusing to say things to the one I hold very close to my heart. I'm keeping so many things silent as to not "ruin" anything. But what if that's exactly what I'm doing anyway? What if my refusal to address a topic is the exact way to show them I don't care enough?


What if what God said in His word is true? What if we twisted the words around to the point of making lies? What if Jesus does come again and we're not even ready? What if He DID send someone in our lives to edify and fix ourselves?


What if we ignored the exact thing that would have made the biggest difference?



You know you're following God the right way when you're not scared to ask Him to search your heart for sin.


Jesus said if you deny Him before men, He'll deny you before God.


Should I really refuse to share things that could lead to a lasting lifetime of forever in paradise with the One who took the time to create you?


Who do you want cheering you on? God, or the devil?

I'm So Ready For This!

Lately God has been extremely amazing, even in the smallest ways. He has brought me out of sadness and confusion so many times. And although many of the reasons why I was sad are personal, all that's important now is that He's helping me!

I feel so extremely excited! You have like NO idea.

I feel like this miracle is going to come, whatever it may be, and whoever it may concern, I just feel it coming. I'm really happy that God has helped me to realize this and that He's given me a lot of hope.

There are many other things I've been thinking about too, but things that put a smile on my face. Just thinking about where I'm at in life and where it'll lead me. I know I'm going to be even happier when the miracle comes! =]

Thank You, God, for everything!

ALSO! In 15 days I'm heading to Utah to visit my friend Katrina! I'm excited to be not only traveling out of this time zone for the first time, but also to meet Katrina for the first time. I know we are going to have so much fun! We will be having photo shoots and whatnot!

Until then, I'm going to be expecting lots of blessings because of God's amazing LOVE. ♥

~Stephanie

EXCITING NEWS!

UTAH IS SO SOON!!

19 more days.

June 3rd I leave, June 4th I arrive. - June 12th I leave :(, June13th I get home.

I'm visiting Katrina. :)

Also! Update on my life...

God has been somehow working lately and it's AWESOME. Nothing even had to happen, but rather the happiness and good feeling I have. Which could very well be for what is GOING to happen, whatever that may be. As in God is just preparing me. But that's okay. I'm going to completely trust Him in this!


This actually always seems to happen once I pray a certain prayer...
;)

~Stephanie

Deep Pain...

It hurt.

It was this deep pain, as I tried so hard not to cry in church.

To try so hard not to blame anything.

And it hurt worse to think of accepting that it happened, but it did.

Was it even a big deal?

I guess it was to me. Especially with no words to follow, but silence.

Silence again.

I'm finding that silence has become a weapon, and it hurts. What's worse? Stinging words against your ears, or the silence of what's unspoken? The silence of pain.

Would ii be better if I just left? Would it be better if I stopped caring and moved on? Would it be better if I absolutely said nothing and let the friendship die? Would you rather me leave your life? I'd only do it if you asked--as much as it would hurt me so deep inside, I'd do it for you.
Maybe secretly I wouldn't want to do it for you, but if it gave you happiness, I'd force myself.

I'm at a loss for words now, writing anonymously in this blog. Hoping that eventually the silence would leave me alone. I'd rather you yelling at me! I'd rather you hurting me face to face than to get up and leave.

It's not that I want you to yell. I'd actually hope we had no reason to argue, that there was no reason for you to hurt me face to face.
It's going to hurt, I understand that. I understand that because I made the choice to LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Is it my fault then? I don't know. I'll take blame. But I cannot refuse or turn anyone down that God has created and put into my life. Each person He gave me has a purpose, and that means you do too.

As much as it has caused pain for the last 9 months, off and on, especially the last 3, I'm somehow thankful at the same time, because it is exactly this that brought me back closer to God. YOU brought me closer. I started reading more, I started caring more, I started actually showing God that I am serious when I say He is GOD.

Whether I mean nothing more than just a person you befriended in high school, you'll always have purpose to me.

Sincerely,
Stephanie

Don't Forget. [Old Poem]

I found this old poem from July 2007 that I wrote to a photo. For some reason, I really like it! And I don't really remember writing it, nor do I remember why I wrote it...


And as you ponder through life,
Smiling here and there,
Just remember this one thing,
I'll be everywhere.

I'll be the laugh in your voice,
The shine in your eyes,
The pain in your heart,
The tears in your cries.

And as you ponder through life,
Wondering who I was,
Remember why you smile,
Remember what it does.

You're holding on to me,
In every chance you get.
And when you realize why I came...
Please promise you won't forget.

Sugar Coated Lies.

Why can't we just sugar coat our whole entire life so that everything we do and say tastes sweet? We don't have to address a single problem, and we can completely forget that any of them exist. Wouldn't doing that mean the problem didn't matter anymore? We wouldn't talk about it, after all, we wouldn't do things according to it (since we're keeping it in), and it wouldn't technically be there.

Wait... what?

Sugar coating things doesn't make them not exist! Sugar coating doesn't fix a problem. Maybe it puts it off, but that's like dragging a shovel along dirt! It just collects more!

Silence hurts more than words. For what is not said is an internal attack. Sometimes the pain comes later, and feels WORSE.

But what does this have to do with anything in MY life? Do I sugar coat things?.. Okay, maybe I am guilty of giving in to sugar coating. But it's not really always sugar coating. I just forget about what hurts and find the things that cause laughter, or something happy-feely. But it's like a temporary pleasure...and honestly.. it just hurts more later.

Our minds are a rather interesting piece of the body. It's like they're not even OF the body!

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore. I'm not even sure what causes me to write "sugar coated lies." I think I've been feeling like keeping things in will somehow take away the pain. Which won't work, so I don't know why I'm doing it! How else do we deal with pain? WHY did pain even have to exist? I suppose sin causes pain, in one way or another. And it's pretty crazy how "sin" tends to do all that it does. It hurts. Sin is the number one way to get people deceived.

Moving on.

I don't want to not say stuff to avoid arguments... I want the stuff to just NOT start one in the first place. I want the problems resolved, to become one mind with someone, and not two different worlds in one conversation.

Who's the one really attacking? The one wanting to help, seen as an "attack" to the other? Or the one being "attacked" and blaming the other? Does any of that even make sense? Can you accept a murderer into your home and still let them murder? Or would you accept a murderer willing to change?
Either way, you're accepting. But it's THEIR intentions that make the difference.


WHAT?
How can I title this blog "Sugar Coated Lies"? Are lies sugar coated?

Wait...nothing makes sense!

Indescribable.

The Worst Feeling.

The worst feeling anyone could ever go through is the pain from someone else's pain...because of you.

I don't want to hurt him anymore, but it seems no matter what.. I will...

Because of that, it is causing me pain...

Then comes the tears...

=[

I want to see him and make everything okay.. and yet I can't...

Somewhat Unexplainable.

Dearest the-person-currently-on-my-mind,

This was greatly inspired by you:

DEAR GOD. TWO WORDS.

Dear God,

Two words.

Love Your Daughter,
Stephanie Ann

P.S.
THANK YOU!

To the Hurting..

You don't have to go through this. You don't have to feel this way. You don't have to ignore the "help" anymore. You don't have to  push God away because His ways don't match your desires. He knows your future and He knows what's better for you. That is why He wants to teach you His ways.

What you feel doesn't have to be permanent. What you're going through doesn't have to be your life--your future. It can go away. It will go away. But that's all up to you.

The pain in your heart, in your life, in your emotions--it's just temporary. But how long do you want it to last?

You're hungry for more. There's a hole in your heart that God put, and it's natural to us to try and fill that hole. But what do we fill it with? Temporary feelings? Things we're addicted to? People? Wordly desires?

I want to tell you that God put that hole for a reason. We're in constant search, looking for things to make us happy, searching for what makes us complete. But we'll be searching for a long time until we find something to fulfill it completely and forever.

God is eternal. He put that hole in our hearts to be filled with Him, and only He could fill it with true love. His love isn't temporary. It's a love that's eternal. A forever kind of thing. 

We don't deserve His grace, we fail often, we sin, we rebell. But when we admit we're a sinner, because of His unconditional love, He saves us--no matter what--even if we don't deserve it. But it's us who need to admit we're wrong and give everything to Him.

Brothers and sisters, humble yourselves before the LORD and He will give you LIFE. Surrender your dreams, and He will give you exactly what you need. He knows your heart, He knows your desires, and He teaches us things for the better, because He KNOWS our future.

Don't ignore His calling. Don't ignore His people. When He's trying to tell you something, don't turn against Him, don't rebell, don't harden your heart. If you do that, eventually He'll let you do the sin to see the punishment, and the further away you are from Him, the more He can't hear your prayers. He'll always be waiting, but will you be willing to run back to Him?

Let Him love you. Let Him help you. Let Him SAVE you.

May the right person read this--the one He knew needed it.

He's calling you.

Much Love,

Stephanie Ann

p.s.

If He won't turn anyone down, then neither will I. :)

Don't know what to do and think God doesn't hear you?

Ask someone you know that follows Him and they will surely pray for you (that includes me). He will hear you when you truly seek Him.

1 John 5:14
Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

Beginning of the Ending.

Kinda like "Ending is Beginning", the title to Downhere's latest cd album, only not. ;P

I'm speaking of the beginning of the ending of this season. I feel like it's starting to end.

God has the power. Through Him, all things are possible, and He does not lose. I cannot thank Him enough for leading me to feel this way, and guiding me through all of this. I feel so happy.

Not only that, but I'm slowly realizing things. Even after knowing OTHER things, I'm realizing good things. Even after finding out about bad  things, I'm feeling great things. This is just WOW for me to be saying this for days now! Usually it's more rollercoaster-y, but this time I keep saying there are good things happening! AMEN TO THAT. :)

But I'll have to admit. It makes it harder. But at the same time easier.. Does that make sense? God must be doing some pretty crazy things in my heart. Good things, though, don't get me wrong.

It is now, more than ever, somewhat unexplainable. But I like it like that. ;]

God, You truly have blessed me beyond measure... Why? I'm not really sure. But I love You.

Yes.. I love you.

♥♥ Always,

Stephanie Ann

P.S.

What if the answer is staring you in the face?

Then I hope it keeps staring until I figure it out! ;P

It's the Ingredients, but Not Dinner Yet. =D

What exactly does the title mean?

I shall explain!

My excitement...it has its reasons. A sort of happiness randomly goin' on here. It's an interesting feeling, and mentioning it so much makes me realize that there MUST be something causing it. ☺

Not only that, but we're in March now! I do remember great things happening in March the past two years for me. Although, perhaps its not about March. I'm hoping for good things at the moment anyway. Everyone wishes that, right?

I began dealing with really random feelings and thoughts, and that lead to a lot of nights of crying. Sometimes it was cries from fear, sometimes cries from hurt. I was desperately seeking God for guidance and joy. I had stuff going on in my "heart" and I was really beginning to get confused because I was scared that it would go away and I'd regret it (that sorta thing).

But He really did help me through that. I still had those nights of tears, but then it got better. I told myself I'd let go completely. And I was able to do it! I felt relieved, and different, and I experienced this really strong joy of happiness. It lasted a week, and then after that it was two weeks of still feeling great because I still had hope inside of me. 

Eventually though it died to the point of me thinking, "...Maybe I didn't let go completely?" The feelings and thoughts about what I did let go started coming back. Then I prayed again for that faith and guidance, and I felt better.

What exactly gave me hope, anyway? It seemed a certain thing did, but I can see now it was something totally different. I saw a person one day who I began to think about often. I wondered who he was, the possibility of meeting, and I started making this big deal over it in my head. Everything I'd hear, I felt like it was something from God. But then I found out that the person I saw was completely NOT what I thought. As silly as it sounds, I was told he was younger than me. [I guess some people have the tendency to look older.]

Then I was like.. but it wasn't even about wanting to meet him or anything anymore. I got hope because he symbolized something. THAT is when it all made sense to me. Now I don't even think about him or anything (with the exception of me mentioning him right now). It DID give me hope.

It told me I did let go completely of what I held onto, to get God's answer.

That's really hard to read into though, and so I won't. Because I continously said before that, "Let go, if they're meant to be in your life, they'll come back. If they're not meant, they won't." Interesting enough, this particular person I did let go of did not leave, and I found myself back at where I began, ONLY THIS TIME IT WAS STRONGER. =]

It's a love I speak of. Growing to admire someone for who they've become in your life, and hoping they'd stay long and not leave. Enjoying time spent with them because you feel happy. Putting aside any type of "argument" or anything that hurt before because what's more important is WHY you're friends in the first place.

This is going to turn into a completely long entry because I totally just forgot about the title, which was what I was going to talk about! Now that I've somewhat explained...this is what I've been meaning to get to...

It's the ingredients right now that I'm looking at. It's not dinner yet, and it has yet to cook.

The idea came to me today before I left my house. I really feel like God is preparing something great. But nothing exactly is happening. It's like getting the ingredients ready. You're not eating anything, you're not setting the table already, but it's being prepared. So I feel as though God is getting a meal prepared and will soon be cooking it before I can eat this dinner He's making.

And that is where the excitement comes from. I FEEL (SMELL) the good (food) being prepared! It's like almost an "anxious" feeling that a child gets waiting to open his or her presents on Christmas. They want to see what's inside so bad, but they have to wait until their mom and dad says they can open it.

I'm waiting for my Father to let me open the present, in other words! And I'm EXCITED to see what's inside. ☼ 

The "feelings" aren't something I go by. It's the love I feel to give that matters now. It's a good feeling to know its there, and I'm not really sure I want it to go away anymore. I kind of hope...it stays.

To God be the glory.

Forever and ever.

♥ Always,

Stephanie Ann

He's SO Perfect!

It's like one of those movies where everything starts falling into place somehow. Well, perhaps not hardcore falling into place, like action-wise, but I shall further explain!

This HAS to be God doing this, because everything just seems too...perfect! Not my life, but how I'm making it through. It's like God knows EXACTLY what I need to strengthen me. I mean...well, HE DOES know. And He's doing it!

I feel encouraged by Him through the smallest things. During prayer, I feel good. I have the faith needed, and I pray to continuously have it. I feel like this is just one of those trials that is going to give me strength, and I'm actually happy for it. Maybe not happy for WHAT it is, but happy I have one. Because through it all, I gain patience!

² My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. ⁴But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.    James 1:2-8

One night during prayer, I was lead to read 2 Chronicles 20, where the Lord says to the Jehoshaphat that it is HIS battle. We do our part by going out there, but trusting that God will win this battle. It is His battle, not mine. For a while after that night, I kept reminding myself of what I felt God telling me. I thought about it and it helped me to be strong and believe that God is working in my life.

Today at church, I heard those same words. God once again told me "This is My battle." I need not to worry! I'm just so overwhelmed with how things have been happening, and such things have been encouraging me to be strong in the LORD and to NEVER GIVE UP.

When something is in my heart, I commit to it. I will try my best to keep on loving no matter what. Maybe soon enough, the right person will see it. Maybe soon enough, that just right person will realize how much I truly DO care.

Paul didn't speak to the people for destruction, but for EDIFICATION. 

2 Corinthians 13:10

Therefore I write these things being absent, lest being present I should use sharpness, according to the authority which the Lord has given me for edification and not for destruction.

2 Corinthians 12:19

Again, do you think that we excuse ourselves to you? We speak before God in Christ. But we do all things, beloved, for your edification.

 God gave us His word so we have something to lean on, to help us, to give us POWER against the enemy who wants to attack us and feed us lies! But with Jesus at our side, the devil has NO power over us. And it's really important to see that it is because of God's LOVE for His people. ♥

God is preparing my heart. At one point, I had no idea. I thought this particular thing was over and I was going to move on. But it came back. All the love, the thoughts, and the feelings--it all came back and "took over my heart" once again. Instead of thinking it'll go away, or wanting to run from it, I will now continuously PRAY about it. I will now make my love even STRONGER. I should NOT back down. I should stay strong and keep the faith. For with God, all things are possible. 

I fully trust in Him with my loved ones. Because I know He loves them even MORE than I.

James 2:22
Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works faith was made perfect?

I'm not just going to sit back and expect God to do everything. I'm not even that worthy anyway! But I will show Him I have faith by my works. I will give God all the glory in all that I do. This, I believe, is the true works of a follower of Christ. As much as I might stumble or fall, I know my Father will always be there to pick me up.

May He open the doors that need to be opened, and close the doors that need to be shut.

He's an amazing God. All it takes is admitting we're wrong and that we're humans, imperfect and such, and repenting of our sins, and then asking Him into our hearts to make us new. It is then and only then will we ever discover true happiness. 

Give God some time, and I'm sure He'll give it back to you. ♥

Sincerely,

Stephanie Ann

~~

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 

    Two are better than one, 
      Because they have a good reward for their labor. 
       For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. 
      But woe to him who is alone when he falls, 
      For he has no one to help him up. 

He'll Lead You.

[A comment I left someone that encouraged them AND me again.]

I'm doing better today. I really feel like God is helping me through this exactly the way I need. After all, He did CREATE me. He knows how I work, hehe.

He must want me to still pray and care for this friend, therefore He's not "taking him away from me." You know? And the love I have is still strong, so that is what's keeping me praying and caring. The feelings? Well, who knows if they'll fade, and when. But that's why I pray. It's one of the reason I NEED God to help me through it, hehe..

Whatever IS to happen, if I follow Him, I need not to worry. ^^
So the thought came to me.. "Wherever God leads you in this friendship, just follow Him. If you believe that something amazing will happen, He'll lead you there. It may seem blurry now, but in due time, it'll ALL make sense."

That and other many thoughts that are helping me.
You never know WHAT could happen.
Things could change, stuff could open my eyes, better things could come, happiness, etc.

And then there's the possibility of a miracle.

Whatever will happen, it's in GOD'S hands. If I believe this friend of mine really is special to me, then I shouldn't doubt for good things to happen. If God just wanted me to be here for him just as a friend and will someday move me somewhere else, then may it be God's will for what is TRUE. 

Unspoken Lullaby [song]

Unspoken Lullaby.

From "Somewhat Explainable" album.

It's only for a moment, that I'm here with you again.

If only I can wish for it to never ever end.

But time and time I realize I can never understand,

Just why this ever happened to me?

[chorus]

When will this love find its wings?

When will you see how much you mean to me?

How will we grow, and how will we know?

Where this love could someday go?

But most of all I'm wondering...

When will you have these feelings for me...?

I try so hard to ignore all the tears that find my eyes,

I wonder when the day will come when there will be no cries,

But every time I think about this love that's inside,

I wonder why this happened to me?

*chorus

[bridge]

I see the pain, I see your hurt..

I know you're broken, but I want to be...

Here for you, so always know

That I love you

Waiting for the Nonexistent.

(Excerpt from my hand-written journal: February 6, 2009 – 7:59AM)

Genius people say genius things. Therefore I speak genius as if it’s my first language (and it is).

You know…I thought about it. Technically my life sucks. Not that I’m letting it make me depressed. I know that I’m facing one of the strongest things God gave us.

L . O . V . E .

It’s pretty intense, dude. And now I know it’s something we don’t have to convince ourselves of. We don’t even need reason for it. If it’s there, it’s there. In fact, often times we lack to have it. We also lack to have the proper and true love.

When (and if I ever) say that I love you, I know that it’s more important to show it. I also will mean it with all of my heart.

I know I’m really picky. Well, sometimes. I mean that when it comes to the…”male species.” Because they are purposely, by God, made different than I, the natural instinct is for them to be drawn to women. Some can control, some can’t, some don’t, and some perhaps somehow don’t even have that drive.

There is also perversion in man (that includes woman in this case). I believe truly that the devil plays a big role in “perversion.” He wants to pervert our minds in any way possible to ruin God’s plans and creations. The closer his ending time is, the harder he tries.

What I mean by perversion is among many things. Men beginning to lust (man came first. I’m not saying women don’t lust too) is a type of perversion.

However, I believe that staying close to God will keep the devil away so he can’t “tempt” me or “pervert” my mind. A key thing he tries to do is allow us to believe we’re not being perverted. He wants us to believe we’re not doing anything wrong, especially trying to convince us that it’s okay to do things that aren’t okay, according to God’s Word.

THAT is the main reason as to why I am picky. And I know…this might make me even more disappointed because I have “specific” standards in many things. So that means I eliminate 99% of men.

Call me crazy, but I’m so picky to the point of waiting for the nonexistent. For someone to have my heart, well…they can’t exist. (Can’t, or don’t?)

I believed since ever that God would pick someone on this earth, put him in my life—but this particular person would have never had a girlfriend. For about three years I’ve prayed that God would actually keep him away from girls and dating so that he wouldn’t “lust” or “obsess” over them and that he’d wait for God to send him his companion (which would be me). When I’d meet him, he wouldn’t even be “lusting” or getting the “feelings” over me right away. He’d treat me as a person, not an object.

WHERE on EARTH  do you think someone like that exists?!

Oh, I believed.

But I also knew that it wasn’t someone who’d just appear. Mr. Matthew was just a symbol. It was the man I’d know that would be perfect for someone like me. I’d find someone who I found worth it to be called “Matthew.” (It is only a name I used for a book. It originally started at about age fifteen by me talking about Bob. Bob grew into literally meaning my future husband. A simple name. Somewhat a joke name. Nothing special. He eventually got renamed for my story from Jared, to Michael, to Matthew.)

This man I’d know would grow into my Matthew and I’d pray my way to him.

He exists. Not what I imagined, but who God made. And I knew I’d find him when I could love someone for exactly who they are as a person. And it’s because of who they are that I’d know them. It’s because of who they are that I’d gain a friendship. It would be a strong friendship and I would love them unconditionally.

The person you are is not based on the choices you make. It’s the choices you commit that are based on who you are and what you believe.

I believe in God (and God is love).

My choices will be based on His Word.

Therefore, I shall always love.

Especially to Matthew.

 

♥ Always,

Stephanie McDowell

WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?

You're making me pointless in your life!

...wow...I've never thought like that before...

I'm actually not sure why I'm still here... Like, despite all that happened, I'm still hoping for things to get better. But it shouldn't get better for wrong reasons. Like, faking a smile and  becoming completely different people.

I like the original us.

We were pretty amazing. ;]

ILY.

And that's all I know. :)

AND I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE!!!

And I don't even want to...

:)

[Valentine's Day card I saw at walmart.]

((And yet that wasn't even the reason to write it in this blog...))

*SIGH*

Oh goodness. My life is one tough cookie.

But good things are worth waiting for. =']

♥♥

God's Battle.

After lots of prayer...I now know what I need to do. And SOON.

I thought it needed time. And it did. It got its time. A LOT of time.

As small as I am compared to God, I know He holds me closely, so that whatever comes my way, He knows exactly how to get me through it. Because I choose to follow Him in all His ways and try my best to pray [as much as I forget and fail often], He guides me and I can fully trust Him.

I don't want to leave His side. I also know that the closer I become to God, the harder the devil tries to ruin that and break us apart. But sorry, GOD is much STRONGER than him. :)

I cannot even explain how good I felt last night afterwards that what I heard had to have been from God. He even guided me to the right scripture. Reading it opened my eyes and I just sat there thinking WOW.

It was exactly what I needed to read and I took it as a confirmation that what I thought God wanted me to do is really what He does want me to do. Now, if I'm wrong, I pray He stops me, and that whatever DOES happen, whatever I DO say, is of Him and because of Him.

May He be in complete control. I will do my part, and He will do His. 

This is yet another genesis...and I admit.. I'm excited and nervous--all at the same time!

Give me the confidence, the courage, and the love, God. ♥

2 Chronicles 20:15,17

¹⁵"...Thus says the LORD to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s."

¹⁷ "You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you.’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.”