You know…I thought about it. Technically my life sucks. Not that I’m letting it make me depressed. I know that I’m facing one of the strongest things God gave us.
L . O . V . E .
It’s pretty intense, dude. And now I know it’s something we don’t have to convince ourselves of. We don’t even need reason for it. If it’s there, it’s there. In fact, often times we lack to have it. We also lack to have the proper and true love.
When (and if I ever) say that I love you, I know that it’s more important to show it. I also will mean it with all of my heart.
I know I’m really picky. Well, sometimes. I mean that when it comes to the…”male species.” Because they are purposely, by God, made different than I, the natural instinct is for them to be drawn to women. Some can control, some can’t, some don’t, and some perhaps somehow don’t even have that drive.
There is also perversion in man (that includes woman in this case). I believe truly that the devil plays a big role in “perversion.” He wants to pervert our minds in any way possible to ruin God’s plans and creations. The closer his ending time is, the harder he tries.
What I mean by perversion is among many things. Men beginning to lust (man came first. I’m not saying women don’t lust too) is a type of perversion.
However, I believe that staying close to God will keep the devil away so he can’t “tempt” me or “pervert” my mind. A key thing he tries to do is allow us to believe we’re not being perverted. He wants us to believe we’re not doing anything wrong, especially trying to convince us that it’s okay to do things that aren’t okay, according to God’s Word.
THAT is the main reason as to why I am picky. And I know…this might make me even more disappointed because I have “specific” standards in many things. So that means I eliminate 99% of men.
Call me crazy, but I’m so picky to the point of waiting for the nonexistent. For someone to have my heart, well…they can’t exist. (Can’t, or don’t?)
I believed since ever that God would pick someone on this earth, put him in my life—but this particular person would have never had a girlfriend. For about three years I’ve prayed that God would actually keep him away from girls and dating so that he wouldn’t “lust” or “obsess” over them and that he’d wait for God to send him his companion (which would be me). When I’d meet him, he wouldn’t even be “lusting” or getting the “feelings” over me right away. He’d treat me as a person, not an object.
WHERE on EARTH do you think someone like that exists?!
Oh, I believed.
But I also knew that it wasn’t someone who’d just appear. Mr. Matthew was just a symbol. It was the man I’d know that would be perfect for someone like me. I’d find someone who I found worth it to be called “Matthew.” (It is only a name I used for a book. It originally started at about age fifteen by me talking about Bob. Bob grew into literally meaning my future husband. A simple name. Somewhat a joke name. Nothing special. He eventually got renamed for my story from Jared, to Michael, to Matthew.)
This man I’d know would grow into my Matthew and I’d pray my way to him.
He exists. Not what I imagined, but who God made. And I knew I’d find him when I could love someone for exactly who they are as a person. And it’s because of who they are that I’d know them. It’s because of who they are that I’d gain a friendship. It would be a strong friendship and I would love them unconditionally.
The person you are is not based on the choices you make. It’s the choices you commit that are based on who you are and what you believe.
I believe in God (and God is love).
My choices will be based on His Word.
Therefore, I shall always love.
Especially to Matthew.
♥ Always,
Stephanie McDowell
2 comments:
Hi, I stumbled upon your blog from your deviant art page and couldn't help but skim through it. I know this post was made a while back, but I can relate to how you have high standards for the opposite sex. Although I had no reason to be, I always looked for girls that were "perfect", in a sense. You know, attractive, smart, witty, doesn't have a lot of "baggage",etc., etc., all that jazz you know. Which is the reason I'm single and still am. But, I've come to realize like you that there is no perfect person, but still hoped for it for some reason.
Because of my realization, I've been looking into psychology for a lot of answers and it has helped. I'm not saying you should see a therapist or anything, although I think everyone could benefit from one, I'm just saying you should learn more on how human beings think and why they think that way. It'll help you understand yourself a lot better, instead of just saying, "it's god's will" . There's a lot of stuff out there on the net, 'Psychology Today' is rather helpful. They have quite a few articles on love. There's a 99% chance that everything you're going through and what you're feeling, there are a million other people out there that are thinking and feeling the exact same way. It's just that, it seems you're using god as too much of a reason for everything that is happening and not happening. Now I'm not bashing your god or anything, I'm just saying maybe you should give yourself some credit and fault too, and I kinda think that, it is not very good for your mental health and your growth and progress as an independent individual, to let god do everything.
Also, what you wrote on how you hope there was someone out there that hasn't dated and is "pure" of mind. Men that have not dated, for one reason or another will turn to other methods, such as pornography to satisfy their lust. There's nothing wrong with a little lust, it's just how we're all physiologically made. Even if there was a man out there that has never seen a woman before, when he gets to a certain age, he will feel there is something missing and he will eventually find a way to satisfy this feeling, one way or another. Also, there are lots of guys out there that HAVE dated and HAVE had girl friends that would also treat women with respect and as a person. You just have to get over the fact that lusting is a natural part of life (although too much of it can be hazardous to your mental health) And I don't think its a very good idea to be posting so much of your personal thoughts and feelings on the internet like this. Some creepy guy could read this and know exactly what you want in a guy and pretend to be THAT guy to get close to you.
Oh and for the main reason I came here before I read your blog, I really do like your photography. You're very good. Are you going to college for photography or is this just a hobby?
Umm...I sadly did not enjoy this comment... God is in control, and I would never want to take the wheel because my human mind isn't perfect.
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