The Strong Curiosity.

I've never been on the type of dates you see in movies, or hear from the friends who live lives differently than I. I've never had someone desire my attention that much either. I feel like it would be fake, and that a part of me would only be a liar if I ever agreed to someone asking me, unless I genuinely found them interesting. Unfortunately for them though, my heart has been taken for almost four years now. I could never seem to get it back, it felt so at home already. Now enough time has passed that there really is no going back to who I was.

But here and there I gain a strong curiosity of that type of life, filled with teasing, laughter, and goodnight hugs. I just could never get it to make sense with someone else. I think my heart is the type of heart that hesitates to cling to anything or to relocate anywhere until it is certain. And when it does, it holds on hard. Once it sets, it's set. That seems to be the heart I have. It doesn't just apply in people, but in objects, in everyday tasks, etc. When I'm set to get something, I get it and it's the hardest thing to change my mind or compromise.

For the situation that I have become accustomed with, it is the most interesting fact that this is the type of person that I am. It would make no sense to put someone like me in the life of someone like him. Unless... And this I've thought up for quite a long while now. I've researched, dug deep, asked the same question a million times, and cried the same tears for a lengthy time.

I'm quite used to avoiding diving deep into these feelings of curiosity. Although the occasional sigh will occur as I realize yet again how my body, heart, and mind ache for a nearness that I've never known. But here I am in this awkward position and I truly do not want to give in to any type of temptation just to taste the waters of the unknown. I'm stubborn. I'm a fighter. I cannot get myself to give up on even the simplest of things. I'm struggling hard with this, even if I'm managing it. I'm struggling internally. I am not spending days depressed or ignoring the world. I'm continuing on and living my life. But there's a silent cry, buried deep inside of me, every single day...

Unfortunate Feeling.

I made an utterly horrible mistake by observing your new bracelet the night we baked at your house. It took me that long to notice the details because I purposely averted my eyes from it. I got a fear inside of me that it held meaning of something I didn't want to know.What's so unfortunate is that I'm facing something I've always been so against, an action I planned to avoid committing. It's an awkward one too. One that would make me lie if I said it wasn't true. It's not done purposefully though. I try to push it away.

My mind wants to say it is unfair. It wants to rip apart what you've created. It wants to fight my heart so badly. I keep pushing this to the side. I keep shutting my mouth from you. I keep pretending whilst aching and falling apart. I do want to be myself with you, but myself wants to grab hold of your arm during a walk and just hold on. Myself wants to end our messages with "I love you." Myself wants to be truly happy without it being a problem. Myself wants to have my name on that bracelet.

I cannot do this at all. I cannot. I am not. I am not handling it. I am not okay. I am not happy with it. I am not content. I am not living properly. I am not yours.

Because of that, I am facing jealousy.

And I hate it.

The Hardest Time.

The truth is...I am having the hardest time internally. I do not even understand my patience anymore. In my mind I am gaining the feelings that tell myself, "I cannot do it." I have to avoid thoughts. I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I hate it. Our situation has changed to what looks like a lost battle that I'm still fighting in. Still, to this day, I am drawn to you? Still, to this day, I love you? Still, to this day, I find you worth it? Still, to this day. Five years later.

I want to SCREAM this to you and yet all I can do is say nothing. I wonder if you know how hard that is for me.