Stop Ticking.

I could hear the ticking becoming louder and louder inside my head. For quite a while I've allowed myself to just overlook it. But each new day I'm realizing it's not going away. Now I dread the explosion, therefore my patience has become an additive to the time. Finding distractions, making schedules, it's this giant candy-coating process of my life. Would you rather me pretend I'm not going through this?

I am afraid. I am afraid to cut myself out of the battle, for it would serve a purpose of failure. I am afraid of my own emotions so I depend on hope to pull me through. You've pounded me to fix this and I pretended it did nothing to me. But in reality, you have put me on the ground. I feel like the only reason I must listen to your advice is to prove to you I can do it, but that it would not change the circumstances. Nor would it change the very reason why I was in need for help. I can very much so move on in life and become dependent. But buried beneath my surface and into my heart there's a calling for me. And as long as the situation we sit in remains so, I will constantly have the need to tend to it.

Why? Why must this break me? Why must I spend that time crying out for you at night? Sometimes I have utter guilt for anger over the matter and I just want to honestly tell you I love you. It is a strong tug at the most fragile part of my heart. If I were to run, I'd be pulled back. But here I am ticking away at the verge of exploding. I’ve spent enough time pretending this isn’t so, but I do not aspire to be fraudulent in my speech. But it is not your fault and never has been that I have developed this ticking bomb. I innocently walked into your life and you innocently walked into mine. I became faced with a trial, but it was my decision to fight it.

In due time it’ll all make sense. But for now, please forgive me if I explode. I might need you to put the pieces together again and start over.

Hopeful Sorrow.

Oh, how I sincerely wish I could relocate my knowledge into your brain to give you the understanding of my hopeful sorrow. Unfortunately you'll have to highly depend on my honesty and words I speak to you. Not that I've fully spoken, but that I desire to spread across the table my genuine heart. In my eyes there will be your exact reflection and down my cheek in a single tear you will fall. Upon the breaking of that tear drop a knock will exist on the very door of your own heart. I'll blink away the moment and a smile will overly try to paste itself to my face. As I swallow your tension away, I'll admit to you my undeniable hardships.

I've tried for this long, and I'm continuing to do so. To be strong when you push and content when you're away. But I'm ever too weak to not weep and I'm much too anxious over your desultory reticence. But in my affection you remain, rooted deep down beyond reach. And just to see you beam once again in my presence makes the waiting all the more worth it. You subconsciously treat my mind like a book, reading it until the end. Here I fail to keep in a secret and there you go deciphering it nonetheless. For the sake of the quintessence of our friendship, I long-suffer.

You see, my dear, I've already spent my time trying to figure this out. Just as much as I've spent my time understanding my calling. But in the wilderness of my tribulation I was pointed out and set aside to be a light in the darkness. I'll patiently wait for each new vicissitude and direction, for you are like a pearl in a pile of rocks. Shamelessly you shall stand in the direction of my gaze and lovingly I will call your name. I am commanded not only to love, but to consider your needs above my own. Must I remind you that God is love? I can already tell He has no intention to give up on calling you out.

In my compassion I'll keep you, and when I speak to you words of honesty, I know you'll listen. Say to me what you desire, but understand where you stand in my life. I keep you down in the deepest and most fragile and tender place. There you remain so unequivocally steadfast, resting in my heart. In my distress over our circumstances, in my lowest state of affliction, I'll look only into your eyes and tell you I'm trying. I know I see something most definitely different inside the windows upon your face. I cannot imagine the lamentation of a good-bye, for I do not desire that misery. I'll be sincere, you're like the prize at the end of a race. And if I must crawl my way to the end, I will.

I do not know what to do, but I am trying. Just hold on.

Us.

I should not have cried. But it's not too terribly bad that I did result to sorrow over our nonexistent matter. You see, I began thinking of breaking down into pieces in front of you. I know not what to say, and I know not what to do. Meanwhile I have this great hope that God is sorting it all out for us. He is where I leave my pain and gain my faith. But as I imagined looking you in the eyes and telling you I'm at a loss for actions concerning what hurts me, I cried in the dark.

I have a tendency to hold onto your sweater during these times. You left a part of you when you gave it to me. Somehow. I still can't fully understand how I managed to have that sweater in my possessions. Two years before I received it, I stole it. A day after that I became sick so I wore it. It gave me comfort in a very unexplainable way. Eventually I returned it to you and it was just never the same since. A year after, I had it again when I was much too cold to take it off before departing your car. Who would have thought that a year after that...you'd finally just let me keep it? But now, to my benefit, I treasure it.

I've seen our situation as a battle. Deep within that battle I know there's an enemy who wants not only to destroy me, but you too. I've decided to serve a God who is much stronger than that enemy and have taken the time to pray daily for you so that you may not be destroyed. It is during my prayers that I wish you were near. In those moments where I weep for you, I'm only hoping it's not over. Because even if the enemy wants you destroyed, I most certainly do not! And I will do all that I can to surround you with love. Not just from me, but from God. I've witnessed a man being called by being the one He asked to pray for him.

If I were to cut you off from my life, I'd fear our mutual pain. Because I know that deep down inside your tender beating heart, you care for me more than I can tell. And you're holding on almost as tight as I am. If the chains that hold me to you were to break, you'd feel it too. Behind the thought of saying good-bye to you follows the tears of losing my best friend. No, I do not understand how we got to this point with a live friendship. All I know though is that we did. Why was it so important that God had to sit us next to each other over three years ago? Ever since then it's been so easy to keep you around because He's managed to hook us. He's also made you quite appealing to me. I know it took time for me to really see that, but you're a beautiful sight in my eyes. I love you in the inside where it counts, and the outside where you smile.

I might have left something with you. But I'm not asking for it back.

Glance.

Oh dear eyes, why ever must you avert to your desired destination? I'm in complete control of you, yet you too often glance against my knowing. I’ve come to realize these fleeting looks you like giving though. It’s not that I’m angry over such actions, for my subconscious reasons explain why. Perhaps you’re yearning yet again for what is my fault. I’ve placed a beautiful treasure inside of my locked up heart and you know exactly where that key is. You desire to have it unlocked, free and open with happiness and joy. I completely apologize that I cannot tend to your needs as I wish I could.

You know what your target is, I can tell. It’s almost like a magnetic force has found its way to your grasp. I look away and you begin seeking, searching, screaming. It’s as if it’s your oxygen to set your gaze on that objective. But I’m never sure how much I can handle. You make me feel weak, for I cannot hold you back. Your vision is set, although I know I have no choice but to try and keep up with you.

I’m at a loss of words that I cannot comfort you when you stare long and hard at what tugs my heart. You flood yourself during this gaze and I take control to shut it all out. But see, I cannot shut it out, for it becomes strong inside my mind. Your waters are being poured out upon me and I cannot help you. My heart still beats, but I’m not quite sure how. I know you’ll still glance; you’ll still ponder that existence you love. But if for just a glimpse, may the floods break the dam I never meant to build.