Almost When I Did.

Almost when I thought I was doing quite well--I was feeling great, I was fine--it all finds its way back, staring me hard in the face. It was almost screaming at me to remind me it's around me and has not left me. I could brush it off and ignore it, but that doesn't necessarily take it away. It's like my feelings know when I'm better and make it a goal to destroy it. Perhaps it's better to take down something when it's great rather than when it's horrible. Maybe it's the only time I can handle it. I will be okay, of course. I just really want to find my place.


At church on Sunday we all went to the front and the pastor prayed over everyone individually. While I was standing there with my eyes closed, I realized I need to pray it out. I cannot hold anything in because God wants it all. So I did. I prayed how I felt and told God I wanted something new. To get me out of anything that hurts me and to find something new! Soon the pastor was praying over me and his words hit me hard. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It's not that he could read my thoughts, but that God was speaking through him. I could tell because he said exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment.


Take away the doubt and fear from her, Lord. Give her something new.


I wish I could remember his exact words, but it was the feeling it gave me that mattered most. Was I really doubting again? When I think I'm not, am I? I had fear and I was leading towards doubt. Again. 


God has His ways and I am very thankful.


Tonight I realized I felt alone. Not that I'm alone, but that I felt alone and I had no idea! I've ignored this thought for such a long time now. But maybe that's it! I'm lacking a feeling I've never had before, a comfort from someone else. I don't understand how it is to have someone look highly upon me. I don't know how it feels to have someone just hold me for protection and care. I don't have someone to unleash my love upon, someone to take care of. For nineteen years I've just been me. 


But now I'm still me, wondering how it would feel, wondering when my time will come to at least know how it feels. I've pushed away many guys who hinted they're interested. I didn't want an attraction from someone. I wanted a friendship. To get to know me because it came naturally. To never go out of their way to please me. All this time and I could only manage to make one friendship with someone unintentionally who built walls around them. I fell into a trap of pain and when I wanted out, I fell back in. And now I just scream, "PLEASE, GOD. Give me something NEW."


At one time I felt close to Matthew. And now I feel miles away...