Indestructible.

Indestructible | May 15, 2010

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.

There may be bruises, cuts, scabs, and blisters, but they always heal. And as long as they can heal, it’s meant to stay alive. So why shall we try to destroy it? What gives us that want to just end what is good? Perhaps the confusion of why something so good hurts so much? Because it’s not the way it feels like it is? Because your heart feels so close to bursting? But yet you do not want to just let go. You fear more the pain of letting go than the pain of holding on. And you’d rather suffer just to keep that good thing around.

I may not understand why I couldn’t go through with it. Or maybe I do. Maybe I had the thought that if I took away what I gave you, you’d miss it. And as I’d slowly die inside, I’d miss it too. Maybe I wanted a reason to cherish it even more because I couldn’t handle it being gone. But you scared me. I had this fear that if I destroyed it now, you’d never let me get it back. If I couldn’t handle it, I was scared to think that I couldn’t get it back. It’s not what I wanted, to allow the bond we have to dissipate. If I could have one thing in the world forever, it would be you.

I felt completely lost waking up the next day. Soon enough I realized what happened and the tears started forming. I couldn’t say good-bye to you. I couldn’t throw away my most precious treasure. I’d rather suffer because I can’t fully have you than suffer because you’re never around. And yet we reminisced at random moments, and pointed out each other’s qualities. There was still little moments of laughter, and our reminder that we created something. So I cried and continued to do so because I love you. And it’s the only decision I even want to make.

You’re the one I never knew I wanted until it was shoved in my face. I find joy in the simple things we do. But I cry because I never want it to end. I never want it to get worse. And I never want to have to say good bye to everything we’ve created. You’ve placed reminders of yourself in every area of my life. You sit so comfortably in my heart and I can’t imagine anyone else taking that seat. You listen to me so intently when I talk, as if my say matters to you. I’ve come to very much appreciate that because I was never used to someone like you. Can you imagine how much more I just do not want to let you go?

I love you with my whole entire heart. Through the very good times, and the very bad. I always feel you deserve my patience and I could never be content without it. And as much as I want you happy, I’m too selfish to let you go. I’m too selfish to watch you walk away because I want to remain that person who always loves you. I want to love you, just so I can love you right. I feel so chained here in your life with no desire to abandon you. And I just cannot make that choice to destroy what we have. But as long as you want to keep it, know that I do love you.

Maybe there will always be that one thing in life that’s too good to destroy. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll always find it simply impossible. Yet each time you do try, you have a hint of guilt--knowing you’re doing the wrong thing. But it’s not that you want to destroy it, but that you don’t understand its purpose. Each urge to just run away is the denial that it’s perfect. Whether both set of eyes see, or just one, something is definitely beautiful. No matter how many times you attempt to kill it, it just does not desire to die. But maybe it can’t die because it’s too alive.