The Cause of Pain.

You know what causes the pain?

When you care. 

When you care a lot for someone. And it's like you pretty much take on their burdens anyway, so there's adding to the pain. The nice thing is..is that you don't have to care. It's a choice.

But besides that...there is just...too much pain. Enough to make me give up? No.

And it's not because of them...

It's me.

I'm in an emotional state right now...I believe so. I mean, I know because I've been happy and I read old stuff like this and I'm like "OH my gosh! I should've believed it'd get better!"

But I'm not happy. And so I'm like this.

And I know that things will get better. I trust and believe they will. They're just not...better right at the moment...hence this blog.

It makes me feel a little better to write it out. Especially since I don't really feel people read this blog. It's out there, it's public, but it's not that well known, so ... I CAN write.

Ughhh...I keep crying. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know what's going to keep me happy. I'm scared that all the thoughts I had and have are wrong, and that it's all going to go away and I'm going to almost regret the thoughts. But maybe I won't. Maybe I'll rather learn from them. I still don't want to think I'm wrong...

Not that I'm right...but this...hurts.

It hurts deep in my heart. And I'm confused. That doesn't help. I wish I knew these things, I just wish I knew what was on the other side of this storm...just so I know what I'm waiting and hoping for. Just so I know what breakthrough will happen... and yet I don't. Which makes sense.. because we can't exactly know the future, or it wouldn't be the future.

I keep dreaming too. I have way too many of them lately. Weird ones, nice ones, etc. 

Some things keep me going. But if you get too involved in something, it's like you're asking just to be HURT. And I think that's what I'm doing.

I could just stop caring and care much less than I normally do. Go about my life without a care in the world. But that's not me. I ... can't do that! It's like.. I can't even stay mean or mad or anything. I just want the other person to understand that I would rather be happy and let them know I'm sorry...even if over the smallest things. I don't hold grudges.

But that's it... I constantly tell myself to care and love for people, to have patience...even if I know that I don't get that same treatment in return. I do nothing to hurt people. And if I do, I don't mean it and I hope they tell me. I don't want someone mad at me. And when it happens, I get that fear that it'll stay that way and I want to try so hard to make it go away, to put myself so much below that person that I am nothing. 

But where is this getting me? Here? In my room? In tears?
Praying that hopefully, soon, something is going to change. That there doesn't have to be any problems. That we can live a happy life doing things we want to do, things that please us and make us smile.

The promises you've made, are you keeping them? Are you being true to YOUR word?

What if...I'm the only reason the friendship is still...alive?

Sincerely,

Stephanie Ann

P.S.

Just don't...change who you are...and I won't change who I am. Then we'll be happy.