Please, Not Again..

I don't want to go through this again...

Ugh.. get me out of this!!

I feel like if I reach out for happiness, it would be too hard to catch.

Pain, just go away. Why can't you leave my heart alone?

If I Could Only Tell You...

If only I could just tell you. To say all that I've been holding in. To just ...gain that courage.

I know why I'm not yet. But I don't even know how that time will come--if it comes. To look you in the eye and just say it. I wonder if that's the very thing that would change everything. I wonder if that's the very thing that'll finally open your eyes to understand me...completely.

Or maybe it'll be the very thing that'll mean almost nothing to you.

I can only think of the times that we've spoken--just over the phone--and it took me quite a while to say what I wanted to say. You'd tell me "Spit it out," and eventually, after enough time passed, I finally started opening up.

Why did you even bother trying to get it out of me when I was stubborn? Why did you stay on the phone for hours talking aimlessly for most of the times? Why did you make time for me so we can go eat or hang out?

I tried so hard to ignore myself so that you may be happy. I knew I could never ask for anything more than what you wanted.

And now I do wish to still smile. Hoping that nothing will ever change, unless God wills it.

If I could only tell you, I wonder what it would mean. If I could only tell you, I wonder what would happen. If I could only tell you, I wonder if it would change anything... I wonder if you'd realize more than ever who I really am...and who you are to me.

I feel like I've been through this before. I feel like I'm repeating exactly my life before you. I feel like I'm making a big deal over the smallest matter--except it's not a small matter.

I feel like if I wanted to, I could easily brush this off and move on with my life. But the more I pray, the more I want to see that breakthrough. The more I pray, the more I WANT to stay where I am today.

Here. Me as me. You as you. And with all the more reason to keep going. To believe. To look forward to the unknown, knowing it'll be great.

What am I even saying? 

What am I ever saying? I'm writing a letter to no one. I'm writing a letter in a blog with no addressed name. It's not being sent to you. It's just here. Possibly being read by the wrong person...

Maybe that's why I wrote it..

How many letters will you send him, Stephanie, that aren't sent directly to him before you tell him? How many things will you write with sincerity until he's gone?

How many nights will you lay awake thinking about it until it's over? How many tears will you allow to fall down your cheek and onto your pillow before you give up?

What is there to give up on?

A friendship shouldn't be confusing for you. A friendship should just BE. Isn't that exactly what he told you?

What is this friendship? WHY is it here? WHEN did it form as a friendship?

I wish I could tell you everything. But the only thing I can get out into this blog is...

You're the only person I've ever felt that understood me...just as I am.

Your Friend,

Stephanie

P.S.

If only we could just start over...

Why Right Now is Weird...

I had no idea what to title this.

But at the current moment of my life, everything is completely weird, because most of it is unrevealed to me.

I ASSUME that this is just part of growing, and God must have great things WAITING to happen, but right now is my time to show Him that I follow Him, trust Him, and love Him. I do wish I could KNOW what it is He is planning, but not knowing is one of the main reasons why I even have the faith that I have, and the hope, and it's growing.

I mean, maybe He just thinks I'm NOT ready yet, even if I thought I was. Or maybe it's not me that's not exactly ready, but it's the person that is involved in these future plans that He is working with, whether I know them already, or not.

Sometimes I just want to RUN. To run to pretty much no where, get lost, and just lay there, putting everything at God's feet and leaving myself with absolutely nothing.

I'm DONE with this. I NEED and WANT changes.

Tough AND worth it.

Waiting for the One to Come...

It's one tough cookie! 

But it'll be worth it. For sure. :)

It's not like I daydream about it all the time......

o.o