Invisible.

Dear The One That I'd Run From,

I know it's not that rational to feel a bit torn down right now. But it's not irrational either. I've been told that I'm "doing this myself." But being around you and communicating made me feel happy and it eased the mood until you were away. And becoming silent only shows me it's a one-sided friendship--because somehow communication stops when I stop putting effort into our relationship. Either way I'm apparently doing something to myself. Next I'll be told that I chose that seat next to you less than five years ago. Why did I think you still wanted a friendship? I hate thinking negative, but reality hits me when I decide to leave you alone. You'll only naturally leave me alone as well.

I guess I'm not the only one throwing out "I love you." Except I can't openly post it for public to see because I actually mean it. It's too true for me, and I fear someone will see and feel bad for me. And that'll only make you feel horrible (maybe) and look like a "jerk." Worry not, I'd stand up for you, as odd as that seems.

Maybe she's secretly in love with you. At this point I'm highly convinced you'd choose her over me. In fact, I'm highly convinced you'd choose many over me. Because I just wear you down with all of this nonsense. I just wear you down with my sorrow and excessive love for you. I just wear you down with my stupid feelings. Just stop lying to me and pretending like I matter when you smile. Stop accepting my gifts if you truly feel guilty. Stop letting me think that you're innocent when you're not. Stop pointing out the negative in me. Stop resenting me like you've plainly said you have. Stop pulling me down like that. I love and love and love because I choose to and yet the only thing you see is that ONE time that I explode.

Like now.

I lost you. I guess I have to accept that.

Sincerely,
Stephanie M.

Turn Around.

As usual, it has turned all the way around yet again.

You're still worth it to love.

Pride.

That bracelet you wear has stabbed me one too many times, each and every single glance I accidentally take. I keep this so entirely silent just for you, and I hold my urges too well. But I can't do it that well anymore. I have resulted to spilling it out in this blog I assume you won't even see. What does it matter what I say though? Clearly I love you and care for you more than you even know--more than anyone I can think of. I would literally DIE right now just for you. And yet my thoughts do not matter to you, and they will never, ever make a difference according to you.

I allow you to almost control me, but I submit myself to you. I value you and respect you. I let these tiny things hurt me in such silence just to make you happy. ARE you happy now? Are you happy with how torn up I've become in my total lack of confession of what stabs me so harshly? You admit you are stubborn, but I'm so willing to look past that.

Where have you gone? You lost so much along the way, and I'm here crying until I fall asleep at night. Sometimes I can hardly understand how God can love you so much. Because the moment I think negative He reminds me to be patient with you. But I am about to crack. I'm about to fall apart right in front of you and I fear it. Why? Because your reaction or carelessness scares me. I'm afraid of what I would do to see your eyes care not about my heart.

I can't do it anymore. I avert my eyes, I cover the screen, I just can't look at it. You remain so silent about it, as if you're ashamed--and that says enough to me. What is the point in it? It says nothing, absolutely nothing. It says just as much as wearing a certain color does--NOTHING. The world has twisted ideas, thoughts, sayings, and requirements. Wearing red doesn't show the world I support love. Love isn't red. It's LOVE, an action, something you do for someone else. Wearing my "Love is patient" bracelet doesn't tell anyone anything. It doesn't convince them that I, Stephanie Ann, love with patience and kindness.

To me you appear so humble, so what reason do you have to gain pride? I wish this didn't hurt so much. In all honesty, I want out. But between losing you and dying, losing you isn't as appealing. I know I'm stuck here, as long as God will keep me down on this earth. Only He can take me out of this impatient and selfish state of being that I currently unfortunately sit in.

You're lying to me again, Steven. I just want to love you and you're lying still.

Because I Love You.

Your reaction was all I needed to know I did the right thing. But as I froze up inside and all thoughts jumbled into one pile somewhere at the top of my brain, you played it out well. I failed to give you my reason into words, but it was there inside my mind. You threw out the word "why" just enough times to give me more opportunities than I should have needed to answer. I sincerely hope you erased any type of thought that says you should feel bad. Because you shouldn't. With my entire heart I desired to get you something you mentioned wanting someday. With every "why" you asked, inside I answered, "Because I love you."

You always show the proper amount of thanks when you receive gifts or are helped. You are humble in the most wonderful way. With the appreciation you have, I couldn't be more happy to give you such a gift. Helping you assemble all the pieces to the product was only half the fun in it all. Being patient with you, helping you, and working as a team puts joy and satisfaction inside of me. I take your hug as a gift back, which holds more value than you know.

Perhaps I cannot have your heart the way you have mine, but if in any way I can make you smile, I'll do. There is an internal fight within me, screaming for the unknown. As I hold it so deep, you don't even know. I wish incredibly so that I could share that, that you would know. But I fear it wouldn't make a difference. I'm trying so hard to be better for you. My arms wanted to embrace you kindly and forever the moment I wrapped them around you. But I ignored the urge and regretted it as usual. My body is literally begging me for you. And it even hurts enough to cry. How can I ignore this?

The more you continue to lure me in, the more I grow deeper in love with you. Here I crave more and it kills me day by day. I pray to God He'll give me patience and help me understand. Why ever would you be here again? Why have you come back to me if I still can't just have you? But I accept it, and I will be thankful. I have you here again. "I never loved a heartache so much until you were the one in the middle."

You deserve to enjoy your room, and to enjoy things that your selflessness refused to give you. You've given me enough to draw me in close, and I owe you more. You take me to places I've never before gone to, and you never expect a single penny from me. With all that I have, I want to give you love. The very love that God desires to give.

I do what I do and give what I give because I love you. ♥