Built Hope.

It's a bit hard to keep my mind from reading you. It wants to dig as deep as it could go to figure this all out. You quite remind me of myself sometimes, with all that you do for me. You've been doing a lot more than before, which has indeed brought a vast amount of happiness. In a way it is making up for what I lacked for a while. But in another way it is a lot more than I dare to ask for from you. I know exactly why I gave as much as I have, and why I laugh as much as I do. But you...you're a mystery I'm hesitating to figure out.

But your anger scares me. Why have I not noticed it before? I suppose I have, but you controlled it so well. Now I'm not one-hundred percent sure when you mean something seriously, or when you're jokingly throwing out harsh words into my ears. It's such a confusing stormy sea of emotions mixed with a lot of sunshine and good deeds. Can I really make you happy? Is this really what I ask myself still to this day?

You're paying attention to me more. You're teasing me a lot, joking, and tossing tiny compliments that I'm not sure are real or not. You seem so genuine but I'm much too used to it never meaning what it looks like. You're the most complex human book I've ever attempted to read and I've understood it all too wrong in the past. You appear to see me differently but I'm so afraid to say a word about this. I'm afraid to hear the same thing all over again about how this is not the way it seems.

You're loving me while building up a hope inside of me that has been sky-high and shattered in a matter of three years. You're appearing to desire something and I'm much too afraid to find out the truth... Just in case I'm wrong yet again. I've been believing for so long that it's possible, never wanting to give up. But I just cannot get myself to understand. I'm so used to what we do not have.

Tiny Glimpse of My Enemy.

How could one, small, tiny, little glimpse of a reminder allow my extremely happy mood to come crashing down to the ground and shatter all over the place into a million pieces?
How could this sadness come at me like a train, scaring me and putting me at the verge of tears? I'm one thought away from crying, and it's ridiculous in a way. I told myself it didn't matter what the case was, I was just happy. But I guess there was slight hope that everything was more different than ever and my faith was strong. I was gaining hope all over again, wasn't I?

But that small and minute thing that stabbed me so incredibly hard has taken away that huge joy in a matter of milliseconds. Will I always be slapped this way?

After All This Time.

It's an incredible thought to look at someone and allow time to fly back four and a half years ago and realize how involved you've become in their story. You've watched them grow from the person you didnt' know, to the person you hold close to your heart. At one point they were but a stranger, but now as you know many of their deepest concerns and the many trials they've faced, they're a light in the dark and a celebrity in a crowd full of people.

It almost seems unreal that a certain happiness is back into my life. I didn't see it happening the way it did, but now I'm more thankful than ever. I can hardly even believe that I spent three months without it. I look back at those months and picture myself again. I remember how broken I was at times, but how I got myself to still stand, to still run the race. I believed in what I could not see and held my head up. And here I am, smiling at how far I've come.

I feel like I don't even deserve this though, but yet it's here. It's as if he and I are not focusing on the unfortunate, but rather what matters. When we decided our friendship was indestructible, I sincerely believed it. I'll always hold him close to my heart, whether he be miles away, or merely inches. But to see him smile and laugh puts joyous feeling inside of me. It's as if I'm right where I need to be. Not that he's my world, but that he's better than the world. To me, he is something more than just a person. He's the one I would die for, the one that believes in me, and the one that knows how to make me laugh.

When I say he believes in me, it means an incredible amount and I really do see it from him. Anything I desire to do, to be, or anywhere I wish to go, he knows that I can. He praises me for my accomplishments and enjoys my creations for the arts that I am involved in. And as my 5th birthday with him around approaches, I feel more special than ever. His want to get me a gift will be better than a gift. His effort to remember my day will be better than his "Happy birthday." And the time he takes out of his day to see me will be better than what we do. I see it clearer this time, how much he cares for me. I've had such a hard time believing, but he doesn't have to say it because he shows it. He doesn't have to confess he loves me because he shows it. And even if I must repeat the past of losing him due to my inevitable attraction to his entire self...I now know that I can in fact endure. I can let him go when he wishes to go, and I can love him when he returns.

This may not be a proposal with an invitation to keep him, but having him around is my greatest happiness nonetheless.

Why be ashamed of this honest truth when it means more than a lot to me?

I hope he knows he has my heart.

Cold Metaphoric Winters.

I remember when you gave me your sweater as part of my Christmas gift. You had to have known that deep down inside it would make me happy. Because it was the simplest thing with such a deep meaning. Once upon a time that sweater had warmed you on chilly days, and later on it warmed me during cold metaphoric winters. But every time I wore it, I felt I had a piece of you. No one else in the world owned such a threaded article previously owned by you, feeling right at home but me. If I ponder long and hard, I still cannot figure out what part of your heart told you to pass it to me.

Through the cheery days I spent with you and the fragile nights I resisted your gravity, I was never left cold. If I do ever fall, I always stand up. And when I do I look straight ahead and smile. If I ever glance back I only see how far I've come. To love you was the step I took to stand against doubt and all hopelessness. And sometimes it's all because I, Stephanie Ann, managed to somehow plant myself inside your home of a heart when you never intended to let me in. I was the one who occupied your empty sweater, placing myself exactly where you once were for those cold, metaphoric winters that I spent thinking solely about you.

I couldn't have said this if you easily loved me back years ago.

Thank you for keeping me warm and teaching me how to love anyway.