AND I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE!!!

And I don't even want to...

:)

[Valentine's Day card I saw at walmart.]

((And yet that wasn't even the reason to write it in this blog...))

*SIGH*

Oh goodness. My life is one tough cookie.

But good things are worth waiting for. =']

♥♥

God's Battle.

After lots of prayer...I now know what I need to do. And SOON.

I thought it needed time. And it did. It got its time. A LOT of time.

As small as I am compared to God, I know He holds me closely, so that whatever comes my way, He knows exactly how to get me through it. Because I choose to follow Him in all His ways and try my best to pray [as much as I forget and fail often], He guides me and I can fully trust Him.

I don't want to leave His side. I also know that the closer I become to God, the harder the devil tries to ruin that and break us apart. But sorry, GOD is much STRONGER than him. :)

I cannot even explain how good I felt last night afterwards that what I heard had to have been from God. He even guided me to the right scripture. Reading it opened my eyes and I just sat there thinking WOW.

It was exactly what I needed to read and I took it as a confirmation that what I thought God wanted me to do is really what He does want me to do. Now, if I'm wrong, I pray He stops me, and that whatever DOES happen, whatever I DO say, is of Him and because of Him.

May He be in complete control. I will do my part, and He will do His. 

This is yet another genesis...and I admit.. I'm excited and nervous--all at the same time!

Give me the confidence, the courage, and the love, God. ♥

2 Chronicles 20:15,17

¹⁵"...Thus says the LORD to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s."

¹⁷ "You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you.’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.” 

Please, Not Again..

I don't want to go through this again...

Ugh.. get me out of this!!

I feel like if I reach out for happiness, it would be too hard to catch.

Pain, just go away. Why can't you leave my heart alone?

If I Could Only Tell You...

If only I could just tell you. To say all that I've been holding in. To just ...gain that courage.

I know why I'm not yet. But I don't even know how that time will come--if it comes. To look you in the eye and just say it. I wonder if that's the very thing that would change everything. I wonder if that's the very thing that'll finally open your eyes to understand me...completely.

Or maybe it'll be the very thing that'll mean almost nothing to you.

I can only think of the times that we've spoken--just over the phone--and it took me quite a while to say what I wanted to say. You'd tell me "Spit it out," and eventually, after enough time passed, I finally started opening up.

Why did you even bother trying to get it out of me when I was stubborn? Why did you stay on the phone for hours talking aimlessly for most of the times? Why did you make time for me so we can go eat or hang out?

I tried so hard to ignore myself so that you may be happy. I knew I could never ask for anything more than what you wanted.

And now I do wish to still smile. Hoping that nothing will ever change, unless God wills it.

If I could only tell you, I wonder what it would mean. If I could only tell you, I wonder what would happen. If I could only tell you, I wonder if it would change anything... I wonder if you'd realize more than ever who I really am...and who you are to me.

I feel like I've been through this before. I feel like I'm repeating exactly my life before you. I feel like I'm making a big deal over the smallest matter--except it's not a small matter.

I feel like if I wanted to, I could easily brush this off and move on with my life. But the more I pray, the more I want to see that breakthrough. The more I pray, the more I WANT to stay where I am today.

Here. Me as me. You as you. And with all the more reason to keep going. To believe. To look forward to the unknown, knowing it'll be great.

What am I even saying? 

What am I ever saying? I'm writing a letter to no one. I'm writing a letter in a blog with no addressed name. It's not being sent to you. It's just here. Possibly being read by the wrong person...

Maybe that's why I wrote it..

How many letters will you send him, Stephanie, that aren't sent directly to him before you tell him? How many things will you write with sincerity until he's gone?

How many nights will you lay awake thinking about it until it's over? How many tears will you allow to fall down your cheek and onto your pillow before you give up?

What is there to give up on?

A friendship shouldn't be confusing for you. A friendship should just BE. Isn't that exactly what he told you?

What is this friendship? WHY is it here? WHEN did it form as a friendship?

I wish I could tell you everything. But the only thing I can get out into this blog is...

You're the only person I've ever felt that understood me...just as I am.

Your Friend,

Stephanie

P.S.

If only we could just start over...