I Believe You, God.

I'm holding on to You, God. I'm clinging so tightly. I believe You, I truly do. I know You're sending me out to do Your work and I know You have a purpose for everything You ask me to do. Just give me the words to speak, the direction to go, and the heart to believe. Help me persevere with the ultimate faith and diligence. You truly do make miracles. And I have no reason to doubt that. Make a way where there seems to be no way. Replace my own desires with Your own. And never let me give up on my calling. Thank you for getting me through the storms.

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

I Cry Standing For You.

I couldn't seem to help it. It just happened. I stood in one spot, feeling weak, staring at the picture of you and I. Tears flowed down my face and my lips were quivering, but I just stood there. It's as if I'm having the hardest time waiting this out. My entire body is now aching deeply to be next to you. As we grow closer, it grows stronger. I've been fighting with this for over two years, but now more than ever I want to fight harder. Yet I've used up all my strength for you. I rely solely upon God now, and God alone. To see you happy means so much to me, but to not know why, or if I'm a reason, confuses my mind. I try to push these thoughts away each time, as to not create past fear. But you haven't told me anything.

At this point, you're the only human being I feel content to ask God for. Everything that happens with us has become no surprise to me. It's as if it's all perfectly planned out. And I expect it now. Somehow we're joined together with a connection we couldn't have made on our own. I want to wait for you, and I'm crying while doing it. You're beyond special to me now, you know. But I don't know how to say it to you anymore.

When you hugged me, my immediate thought was that I didn't want to let go. Yet I let go sooner than I would have because I was afraid you'd feel my heart fail to beat. But as I did hold on for those few seconds, I felt complete. I was united with my godsend, connected perfectly. Am I only dreaming that you notice now? Am I daydreaming my way to feeling okay? In my mind, we have the perfect relationship. But in reality, we have a beautiful, confusing friendship. I ask God while on my knees to take care of you. Every time I pray, I ask Him to give you peace when you're breaking. I cry because when I can't say "I love you," I ask Him to do it for me.

When this battle finishes, I hope I find myself in your arms again...

A Token.

Today I'm presenting to you a token of my eternal care. I can't say I'm nervous, I'm just anxious. After this, I'm leaving everything else to be a surprise. I'll pry not and I'll beg not. Last night I stared long and hard at the stars. The clouds were coming in, but beyond them were all the sparkling diamonds I adore. When I survey the beautiful sight, I feel so much closer to God. As I confessed all my thoughts and let everything in, out, I went to sleep with a smile. I've become content, which took persistence and diligence. I now have no reason to walk away. Therefore I'm planting my feet at this spot and allowing love to water me daily and deeply.

I've three and a half hours to go before I will see your alluring entity. Wrong me not, your heart is twice as splendid, and the very reason I've a token to present. I already know I'll be happy tonight, you've yet to give me reason not to assume. I don't know where you stand, but I know where I stand. Right here. In your life. Giving the love God put inside of me for you. Unconditionally and fain to do so.

I'll be waiting.

♥

A Wise Avoidance.

There are places in my past that are much too heart-piercing to return to. Places that have previously shattered me in such ugly ways, that I could never explain it. It's a part that I finally got through, and to go back and read evidence of it spills a rather disgusting acid inside of my heart. The present has served to be a much better place, but it's a great shame at how frightened I am to glance at that specific part in my past.

Of course, none of it is what I've done, but what I've seen. What I've witnessed. The effects of the soul I attached myself to. I could never understand how it got the way it did, but I am glad it is not there anymore. I was too afraid to accept where I stood. I was beyond terrified at how far it could go. As I continued to ignore the woeful thoughts, I tried so hard to focus just on God. You see, He gave me the peace I really did need. He gave me the hope I couldn't find anywhere else. He gave me the knowledge to understand He can fix my problems. He brought me through such a dark and horrible storm. But I did not escape alone.

I like to think that I brought sunlight in even the smallest way into the life that I watched. That I ran my way through the storm so that he could make it through too. Not that I was saving him, but that God was. To bring us to a better today, to understand what is to come. And as the story continues, and we're still seeking answers, we're not where we used to be. This particular soul ended up holding my heart in his hands, and wherever he ran, I felt it. We suffered two different types of pain, but we did not have to be alone. As my empathy came to be, I understood.

Some places need to remain patched up and buried deep into the past. Places that we should avoid because it is sealed; it is done; it is put away. It is forgiven by each party and by God. We are new peoples living in new days. We made it to a completely different year than any before. One filled with possible permanent happiness and overwhelming joy. I may not have the exact answer I was looking for living in front of my eyes or into my embrace. But it's closer than I've ever seen it. It's as if it's one step away. And God got me through it all by two simple words: love him.

Don't go back to what hurt you--it's a wise avoidance.