The Days of the Begging for Distractions.

Every day for the past two and a half years I've had to find reason to keep my head up high and be happy. I've failed to do so on many occasions, but I'd tell myself to keep standing. Every single day since I first found out what I've now become so used to. For that long it has remained the same. I can't even remember how it felt to not have such a heart-wrenching situation. Now I wake up each day hoping it won't bring me down. I've made it with the hope God gave me, and without that hope I would be nothing. Would I even be alive?

It has been a constant battle for me. During these two and a half years, I've searched for every solution that seemed right. I considered walking away from the problem, I've let go, I've prayed, I've fasted, I've talked with trustworthy people, and I've cried a lot. But I cannot and will not forget the strong calling I know God has given me. If I ever attempt to walk away, God asks me to come back. He gives me strength, sets me on my feet, and says, "Go." Constantly He feeds me reason to keep going, and constantly He has to pick me up. But He called me because He knew I'd make it to the end.

I often wonder what it would feel like for it to be over. This entire battle. For it to completely change for the better, and to not have that reason to cry anymore. All the pain because of it would completely vanish and it'd just all...be over. To get to that point is my goal. And love is my motivation. See, I imagine that day as the most  beautiful reward, giving me all the reason to not give up. I allow it to give me hope. I don't know the time or place, nor do I know what it will be. It's a surprise waiting to happen, and when I least expect it, it'll be completed. I'm sure when that happens, I will enter a new journey. And maybe because of this, everything else will feel like a lighter load. A piece of cake, to be exact.

So no, I do not hate where I stand, nor am I upset. I'm impatiently patient, but perfectly placed. I'm weak, but God is strong for me. Although I'm still living in the days of the begging for distractions, I'm alive. I'm still able to love, and I still know how. In the end, all this waiting and suffering will be more than worth it. That's the story I want to have, and that is the story I will tell. The fact about him that has broken my heart has truly challenged us to see if we two can make it through anything. And together...we have. Somehow. For that, I am thankful. I can only imagine how much more we can endure. ☺

Not Here.

My feelings want me to be angry and push away, but my heart wants me to continue loving. So I swallow those feelings, stand up, and love anyway. Why do I have to feel this way? I certainly didn't intend for it. But yet I'm here. And all I want to do is seek a way of escape. Now I just simply miss what I had. I would never in a lifetime throw it away. But now we've taken two steps back. If there's any type of reset button, I dislike it very much. It's as if I'm sitting at a train station, watching everyone else get on and off. But all I can do is sit there and wait because my train has yet not arrived, and I cannot escape the station because it's not beautiful here to stay forever. It's an extremely long wait in my human mind. I'll make it to the end, to the prize...but it's certainly not here.

Without You, Who Am I?

I felt so different, so awkward, and not myself. The feelings began hitting my mind as time passed. It felt almost wrong in a way, as if something was not the way it should be. A giant part of me was missing.

It was not you.

I was not laughing with you, driving in town with music playing loud. It was with someone else. The idea of that being so made me feel ugly inside. I began trying to imagine it with anyone else. This young man was not you, nor could any other man in the world place a happiness in my eyes the way you do. I've never been alone with a guy that wasn't you. Except family members, it has always been me and you. Not me and him. Not me and a stranger. I felt so off without you. Because of it, I realized why my mood was so hard to control. I wasn't myself. I was experiencing what life would be like if you weren't the only being I ever sat alone with.

It was awkward. Not offense to him, he's kind and a friend of you and I. But it felt so much like I was betraying you. In no way was I doing so, but it felt like it. With you it's as if my heart beats perfectly. My mind is not somewhere else, it's just with you. With you I am complete, and no other face comes to mind. I never feel like I'm betraying anyone. I never feel I'm wasting any sort of time. I can't even worry around you. You are the only one who feels completely right. You're worth the pain of waiting for, and no other man should have to deal with me. Because with me will always come you, buried inside my heart.

Would I have known this had I not experienced it today? No. But now that I have, I don't even want to try again. I missed you greatly so, and I miss you more even now. I'll never be the best company without the contentment that you're happily in my life. I disliked how empty I felt. It hit me so incredibly hard that I wanted it to end. I couldn't feel okay that I wanted to escape. It had nothing to do with him, just myself. Today I fully knew that nothing works like you.

No one.

Never Forgetful.

I dislike when seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days. It makes the journey feel so much longer. And at that moment my tears feel heavier and I just want out. Everything felt like it was getting so much better, and somehow I brought us down. Now you feel so out of my grasp, as if I can easily just lose you. At this point I want to rewind time to when I was inside your arms. And I'll correct my mistake and not let you go. If I made you happy already, I want to continue to do so until we die. If this is good enough for you, this is all I'll give--love. This is what you can always have. For your entire life. Me, loving you. You have what I may desire, but because you enjoy it, you should know why I crave it. You have what I crave. Do you understand?

You're the only person in the world who makes me happy and scared all at the same time. I'm happy to be around you, to know you, to see you smile. But I'm scared to have to handle losing you, if that were to happen. Yet I do not feel I will lose you. I just inevitably fear what it would do to me to see you pay less attention to me. What if you gave what I desired in return to someone else?

No. Please don't let that happen. Not while I'm alive. :(

We watered our roots, they're too deep to cut out now. Even if I moved on, I'd never forget you. I'd always think about you. I still believe I was meant to love you. If I left, maybe you'd see I was your godsend too.