In His Eyes.

Oh, if I could just go back in time when I was so happy at your return in my life. I know things have changed dramatically so, and in a way I lost all of that. But I'll stay strong as best as I could and I shall not forget a single good memory of you and I. I worked so hard to get to where I'm at now. I loved for so long and for so much. I do hope you saw all of it. I hope it didn't go unnoticed. I hope you see far and deep into it that this whole time, God was showing you how deep in love He is with you. If you do reject His offer, I sincerely hope you reconsider because I now know how heartbreaking it feels. God allowed me to see this by using our situation and I will not come out unmoved.

God has promises, just as He reminds us with the rainbow after a storm. That even when things get dark and gray, He provides a way out and fills our life with color and light. No matter what we do against Him, He will forgive and He will not flood this earth again. Because He will forgive us, through His Son, who died on that cross for us. I understand this so much more now, as I would die for you. And if I would do so, how much more can God love you that He already sent Jesus to do that!

I love you as the one person God put in my life on perfect timing to teach me how great He is.

I hope you choose the right path in life and that maybe...I'll get to see you in the future.

Anger.

Anger was always rare with me. You know this, I knew this, many others knew this. My patience allowed me to endure a lot further than one would think. I was known for it, really. But I can tell that I now have placed a little block of anger that I daily have been praying away.

I always suspected you held back another life. In fact, you seemed to make up an entire new person just for me, and only me. A person who was, apparently...false. I had no idea, I still don't. You continuously repeat that you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. I question that, as guilt comes from what is wrong according to our own minds. It's a form of conviction, which is a good thing in a way. As it can lead to making the right decisions and realizing we were about to destroy ourselves.

I get nervous, almost afraid to speak with you. I fear that you'll forget that I've loved you for this long and that you'll ignore everything I sadly attempt to say. But all I really can do is pray. As that has put a smile on my face during this awful time for us. Had I been without God, I'm almost convinced this would have put suicide thoughts in my mind, because I was that attached. But I have hope that there is a bright future for me (and you of course).

The very thing you held from me, the lie you fed and kept going, was something you knew would shatter my heart. You knew this so you did it anyway and figured you'd just hide it from me. How ever could you believe it made it better to hide it? Here I was simply trying to show you how much God loves you by applying the action myself, and you were only hiding yourself from me. I was convinced you couldn't do that because you cared for me. I didn't plan to hold you back from living your own life, but you still LIED about it... :(

I believed you when you'd say things. You began to become vague, but what's sad is I believed most of it. You openly with no hesitation lied. And one thought has recently come to mind. This is what you did to your mom. I know you lied for you and I once upon a time, but did you know I was sitting by my window late at night, looking up at the stars, praying God would soften your mother's heart toward you AND me so that she'll see I just want to love you? Did you know that I was praying and fasting for an answer to that prayer, that God would help your relationship with her? I hated the fact that you'd lie to her, and I only wanted you to be able to tell the truth and her be okay.

I've been fighting a long and intense battle for you. Did you even know that?
And here you are, about to throw it all away, including me. :'(
But I'll still love you.

He Wants YOU.

Oh, if I could tell you how much it hurt to find out what you had been lying about and why, I would. Instead though I have decided to let God take that pain to help me through this. I'm not one to give up though, or change my mind easily. I was brought here and I'm determined to find out why by continuing on.

This seems like one big mistake you are making, but a mistake that has an escape. You need sincere love, especially in your state of anger. God needs you, my dear. He has been calling you and knocking on your heart since the day He saved you from that floor. And you know exactly which day that was. I wasn't there, but He was. He had the courtesy to change me and build me up before sitting me next to you. He also taught me how He wanted you to be loved. He has amazed me through this, how He could feel this way for you.

It is unfortunate how this has affected me, how it stabbed my heart deeply. But I know I let myself stay here. I agreed to do this, and I'll endure. I always felt like we were so meant to be. But I knew that we weren't ready for more even if you did feel the same because we had to learn lessons. If only I knew if you were learning yours--as I am learning mine, day by day.

There is an awful thought in my mind about you--I wish it would go away. I keep avoiding thoughts that pop into my mind concerning what you just opened up about. I picture you as someone totally different, someone that would make me shatter in brokenness. At this moment I need God the most. I've been calling on Him and He has wrapped me in His arms with one thought in my mind. "Love him still."

You said you were ill today. You are growing weaker by the day. But I'm letting you go. Because now is the time that you must really, really see what is important to you. You must dig deep inside your heart and have really good reason to choose anything else over God and I. This is our crossroad and I cannot force you to come with me. But I'm going on a journey for greater things. I'm looking up and relying on God for my joy, as His love never fails. I'd be so happy to have you along, but it is entirely up to you. Because on this journey there will be no shame and lying will not come easily because the truth will be so much better. On this journey you will experience joy you've never had before, and you'll learn how beautiful love is.

If you can pray to God and ask for forgiveness, you are strong. If you can be honest and feel content about your decisions, you are truly pleasing God. If you cannot, you are missing out and He has an invitation waiting just for you.

I cannot explain how utterly loved you are by what I have seen and heard throughout this battle. But even as I became broken, God allowed me to still shine to this day. He will take care of you. Just lay down your burdens, admit you have sinned, and let Him take you away in His arms to a better future. You have hurt me enough to have reason to go to God. He desires to dance with you. What reason should you be afraid? If you are in the right, there is no reason to fear. But even if we are wrong in things, God lovingly forgives and forgets like it never happened. And He wants us to move on from our past too.

Give Him a chance. He's already given you about eight years of chances. ;)

Invisible.

Dear The One That I'd Run From,

I know it's not that rational to feel a bit torn down right now. But it's not irrational either. I've been told that I'm "doing this myself." But being around you and communicating made me feel happy and it eased the mood until you were away. And becoming silent only shows me it's a one-sided friendship--because somehow communication stops when I stop putting effort into our relationship. Either way I'm apparently doing something to myself. Next I'll be told that I chose that seat next to you less than five years ago. Why did I think you still wanted a friendship? I hate thinking negative, but reality hits me when I decide to leave you alone. You'll only naturally leave me alone as well.

I guess I'm not the only one throwing out "I love you." Except I can't openly post it for public to see because I actually mean it. It's too true for me, and I fear someone will see and feel bad for me. And that'll only make you feel horrible (maybe) and look like a "jerk." Worry not, I'd stand up for you, as odd as that seems.

Maybe she's secretly in love with you. At this point I'm highly convinced you'd choose her over me. In fact, I'm highly convinced you'd choose many over me. Because I just wear you down with all of this nonsense. I just wear you down with my sorrow and excessive love for you. I just wear you down with my stupid feelings. Just stop lying to me and pretending like I matter when you smile. Stop accepting my gifts if you truly feel guilty. Stop letting me think that you're innocent when you're not. Stop pointing out the negative in me. Stop resenting me like you've plainly said you have. Stop pulling me down like that. I love and love and love because I choose to and yet the only thing you see is that ONE time that I explode.

Like now.

I lost you. I guess I have to accept that.

Sincerely,
Stephanie M.