The Strong Curiosity.

I've never been on the type of dates you see in movies, or hear from the friends who live lives differently than I. I've never had someone desire my attention that much either. I feel like it would be fake, and that a part of me would only be a liar if I ever agreed to someone asking me, unless I genuinely found them interesting. Unfortunately for them though, my heart has been taken for almost four years now. I could never seem to get it back, it felt so at home already. Now enough time has passed that there really is no going back to who I was.

But here and there I gain a strong curiosity of that type of life, filled with teasing, laughter, and goodnight hugs. I just could never get it to make sense with someone else. I think my heart is the type of heart that hesitates to cling to anything or to relocate anywhere until it is certain. And when it does, it holds on hard. Once it sets, it's set. That seems to be the heart I have. It doesn't just apply in people, but in objects, in everyday tasks, etc. When I'm set to get something, I get it and it's the hardest thing to change my mind or compromise.

For the situation that I have become accustomed with, it is the most interesting fact that this is the type of person that I am. It would make no sense to put someone like me in the life of someone like him. Unless... And this I've thought up for quite a long while now. I've researched, dug deep, asked the same question a million times, and cried the same tears for a lengthy time.

I'm quite used to avoiding diving deep into these feelings of curiosity. Although the occasional sigh will occur as I realize yet again how my body, heart, and mind ache for a nearness that I've never known. But here I am in this awkward position and I truly do not want to give in to any type of temptation just to taste the waters of the unknown. I'm stubborn. I'm a fighter. I cannot get myself to give up on even the simplest of things. I'm struggling hard with this, even if I'm managing it. I'm struggling internally. I am not spending days depressed or ignoring the world. I'm continuing on and living my life. But there's a silent cry, buried deep inside of me, every single day...

Unfortunate Feeling.

I made an utterly horrible mistake by observing your new bracelet the night we baked at your house. It took me that long to notice the details because I purposely averted my eyes from it. I got a fear inside of me that it held meaning of something I didn't want to know.What's so unfortunate is that I'm facing something I've always been so against, an action I planned to avoid committing. It's an awkward one too. One that would make me lie if I said it wasn't true. It's not done purposefully though. I try to push it away.

My mind wants to say it is unfair. It wants to rip apart what you've created. It wants to fight my heart so badly. I keep pushing this to the side. I keep shutting my mouth from you. I keep pretending whilst aching and falling apart. I do want to be myself with you, but myself wants to grab hold of your arm during a walk and just hold on. Myself wants to end our messages with "I love you." Myself wants to be truly happy without it being a problem. Myself wants to have my name on that bracelet.

I cannot do this at all. I cannot. I am not. I am not handling it. I am not okay. I am not happy with it. I am not content. I am not living properly. I am not yours.

Because of that, I am facing jealousy.

And I hate it.

The Hardest Time.

The truth is...I am having the hardest time internally. I do not even understand my patience anymore. In my mind I am gaining the feelings that tell myself, "I cannot do it." I have to avoid thoughts. I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I hate it. Our situation has changed to what looks like a lost battle that I'm still fighting in. Still, to this day, I am drawn to you? Still, to this day, I love you? Still, to this day, I find you worth it? Still, to this day. Five years later.

I want to SCREAM this to you and yet all I can do is say nothing. I wonder if you know how hard that is for me.

She's Never Forgotten.

I developed quite the fragile heart over the loss of your mother. It melts when I see a picture of her. I remember all those talks we'd have together about her. I remember how much I tried encouraging you to love her no matter what. I remember listening to you when you felt so upset or hurt over something she'd say. I remember the voices you'd give her and the stories you'd tell. Because I knew that no matter what, even if it was sometimes deep down inside, you loved her an incredible amount. With that, I was able to see a part of you that opened my eyes about your very own heart.

You once mentioned you placed me quite close to where you had your mom. I couldn't ever compare to how special she was to you, but I felt honored to be just slightly close. By that I know you meant that you care for us in a similar way, and you hid things for similar reasons. But either way, I knew that you didn't always show the love so well, but you indeed cared for me just as you cared for her. Somehow, along the line, I grew a great respect and love for your mother. Enough to break my heart, even to this day, of her loss. I cannot explain it, as I know she wasn't a mom to me, but it oddly feels like it sometimes. I guess I placed myself so deep into your shoes that I cry for you, as her son.

I know a huge part of your return in my life was because of her. And although it is the most unfortunate reason, I'm just glad I was able to love you yet again during such a heartbreaking time. Somehow, in the end, your mom brought us back together. But I honestly would do anything to bring her back too. I would switch places with her in a heartbeat for you and your family. But I know God had a perfect will and He desired to take her home. I sincerely hope I'll get to properly meet her once again someday.

As my heart goes out to her, I hope you never hold it in. I hope you know that my ears are wide open to you. I hope you know that I will never close the door on you if you ever want to talk about her. I will never get tired of hearing about her. Never, and I promise you that. She had a huge purpose in this world, and in your life. She was specifically chosen to be your mother for all the right reasons. And she loved you enough that she would die for you. She even told me so. I shall never forget the words she wrote to me, and how she found it remarkable that I cared for you.

I'll always remember your mom as the woman who was so lucky to have you for 21 years and was capable of believing in miracles until the very end. Despite her circumstances. That, to me, is a life well lived. Maybe you've yet to discover the purpose that you have too. ♥