No Post In Too Long.

Where have I been, you wonder?

I've been living this crazy life of mine--from one extreme to the next. Emotions have been taking care of me, haunting me, torturing me, laughing at me, disagreeing with me, and making my pillow wet. But I've been learning, which is the most important part.

I'm going to have a photo on a book in January (possibly February). I'm really excited that I got the opportunity and really excited to see it! Today I received the check from the company. God has been blessing me. It's not the money that I'm happy about, it's the fact that He takes care of me. :)

That's about all I have to say for now. I'm home alone, but pretty hungry. Perhaps I'll go find something to eat...

In God I trust!

~Stephanie

P.S.
I put up some old blogs I had on my computer. They're underneath this one! :)

A Beautiful Puzzle of Imperfect Perfection.

September 17, 2009

If only I could explain it with perfect words. Too bad the words just do not exist. But that’s okay. Because clandestinely I believe that I do know exactly the thing I cannot explain. I almost lost the treasure, somehow, and I was preparing to move on. But there it goes shining again, finding its way back to me somehow. I feel as if I speak of happiness alone. I’m finding purpose by opening my eyes to my reality. Perhaps the exact thing I needed was just a reminder of what is.

I can hear the melody playing in the background. I’m picturing bright smiles, laughter, and the very presence of bliss. It’s a feeling I’ve missed, a sensation I’d hate to do without. I’m this completely different person when I lack such feelings, ready to give up, prepared to leave. But then I get this grand reminder that I must keep climbing this mountain that I like to call life.

I refuse to miss out on every plan that unfolded so dearly in front of my eyes these past couple years. I’ve received a beautiful puzzle of imperfect perfection—each piece having an intention behind it. It’s okay to believe it; I know it is because I’ve found faith. I’ve found answers to past questions and questions to future inquisitiveness. If only I could take a photograph of this feeling and hang it on my wall. Maybe then I’ll never forget it when I accidentally fall into almost doubt.

I want to savor these moments for as long as I can. I don’t want anything to destroy it anymore because I want to finally enjoy it. Here I am, overtaken by excitement, joy, and innocent impatience. If nothing can be perfectly fine in this world, then I know pain will find me yet again. But I also know I can make it through anything when I perfect a trust.

I’ve gained confidence more than I ever have before. I don’t know what to expect next, but that’s okay. I’ve come to enjoy the unexpected very much. In fact, it’s now what I look forward to. When situations get appalling, they can only get improved after that. Maybe all it ever takes is to believe that you’ll make it through. Maybe this whole time we only needed to believe in what our heart was truly telling us. Whether we can easily recognize that or not, it’s time to just let the words escape. Don’t hesitate to love what could make a difference.

Sometimes you have to let go. Sometimes you have to move on. Sometimes you have to leave what you loved most, just so you can recognize it. Just because you let go, doesn’t mean it won’t come back. You must remain patient and you must trust in providence.

Pride is not necessary for letting go.

A Reason.

I learned that in the hardest times, we learn the biggest lessons. Lessons to grow us into stronger people. That it doesn’t matter what we’ve done, but what we’ll do. And to choose to look beyond the past is sometimes the only way to move on and to keep going. It’s the moments when you want to give up that you realize giving up would only make you a failure. I’m convinced it is then that the start of change begins. Change is never a bad thing when we refuse to allow the past to play a part in it.

I feel like my eyes were opened in more ways than one. Because for a while I was confused and had no idea what was happening in my life. I shut out what I didn’t want to hear, and let in what I did. But what I didn’t want to hear was the exact thing I needed to hear. It was because of those things that I could truly learn what God was doing in my life. I’d never understand if I never bothered to listen. But I took that step, I had that courage, and I let it give me confidence.

I never realized that I struggled with fear until I wrote the words “I’m scared.” I found myself feeling that way a lot. But yet I had no reason to be scared. I just let myself feel that way. I couldn’t trust myself. No one should. How could I know the answers? What do I live off of? How could I know what’s right in my life? How could anyone? Surely there was something that could guide us—someone! Would we be left with absolutely nothing? Could we honestly trust yet another mind that was just like ours? Could every book in the library hold truth? If I can’t trust myself, how can I trust yet another human being?

We couldn’t have been left here with nothing to show us a way out. There has to be something much greater that holds every single answer we seek. There has to be a reason as to why people come and go. Why babies are born, and why people pass away. What kind of cycle is that if there is no purpose? We fight so many battles, we struggle with so many fears, so much pain—there’s a reason, there has to be!

If there’s a purpose, then there is a way out. When we curl up in a little ball in the darkness of a tiny room, crying until the tears stop coming, holding our heart, we can’t possibly be alone. As we sit there, we wonder, “Why do I feel this way?” And yet we do know. Sometimes the answer only comes when we need it most. We shouldn’t be scared as to what it is. There’s a divine intention behind everything. That is something that’ll give us purpose.

I used to tell myself, “Sometimes the answer is staring you in the face.” Because I said that, it got me thinking. Perhaps I was looking way too far ahead. I wanted one thing because I thought that it’d make me happy. But what if that allowed me to miss out on what I already did have? Maybe my dreams were the mere existence of my reality. Maybe I only dreamed it because I had it already, and yet had no idea. I wanted more, I wanted something else, and yet I had it. And until I realized I had it, I couldn’t embrace it yet.

When I know what’s there, the exact thing in front of me, I should hold onto it. I could never get what I want because it’s not what I need. And until I learn to want what I need, I shall never want anything beyond what I have.

Maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn.
Maybe it’s the lesson we all need to learn.

Letting Go of Matthew.

I knew the day would come where I’d have to do something I never thought I would. It would be something odd and a bit different, but make quite a vast difference in my life. It’d take time to fully understand, and even more time to get used to it. But I would do it. And after I did, I would expect him to go on too.


I could see it in his eyes that the moment was now. It’s like I looked at a completely different man. I began preparing for the worst before I even knew of a solo word out of his mouth. He didn’t even have to verbalize anything to me to cause a single teardrop after our departure.
But he did.

Every word coming out of his mouth shut me up, pushing me into the utmost silence of my life. I hoped with every hope I detained inside that he wouldn’t ask a question, as my tongue was ceased. I knew at that moment I was making this into the most dramatic point in time ever, but I couldn’t help it. He spoke of things I knew I had to accept.


His eyes looked straight into mine as the words so freely left his lips, “I can’t stand in the way of your life and be such a distraction. You deserve far more than this. You’ve held onto me for three and a half years. It’s time to move on, don’t you agree?”

There it was. The question. I had no idea of the answer as I searched my mind for one. I was making this harder than it should be. Fortunate enough for me, he didn’t need an answer to continue.

“I can’t make you happy, I can’t feel the way you do, and I certainly can’t live this imaginary life anymore. You’ll have to let go of me eventually.” His eyes looked dark with tiny sparkles in them. I could hardly detail his features in my mind anymore.
Finally I found my voice and spoke softly, “But without you I have no one.”
“No, without me you do. I’ll always stand in the way until you let go.” He was serious. As much as I wanted to deny his speech and argue against him, I was the one who’d be lying to myself.

“And why can’t I have you, yet still live my life? Why must I move on?” My eyes began to water, waiting for his reply.

“Because then you wouldn’t be making room for someone else.”

“Someone else?”

“Yes. Someone who could care for you. Someone who could make you laugh out loud. Someone who could take you places. Someone who could explore the world with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“But what if he never comes? What if the world is right? What if I believed in the non-existent? That there’s no one who’d simply just wait…”

“What if he does? What if the world is wrong? What if you believed in what you’d be given? That one day you’d find someone who didn’t need to tell themselves to wait to be what you deserved.”

“So I have to let go of you?”

“I’ll find my place. Eventually we’ll meet again, trust me. But it will indeed require more waiting.” He moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t explain how, but the hug seemed so real. I felt this overwhelming comfort that I never experienced before, only for the cold empty space in between us to form after he let go. As much as I wanted that hug to last, I knew I’d have to wait for another one to come after he left.

“I brought you here, I realize that,” I admitted, looking down. When I met his gaze again, I pondered, “Where exactly will you be?”

He chuckled, shaking his head, “That, my dear, I cannot declare. But you created our bond somehow, right?”
I felt saddened once again, “I don’t believe I’ll find someone as perfect as you are to me.”

“That’s because they’ll be even better. Trust me, he’ll stand out to you. You’ll have quite a strong companionship that’ll form into bondage. Your friendship will be special and different. But do me a favor?”

I tilted my head before replying, “A favor?”

“Yes. Don’t base anyone off of me. Don’t make me the standard.” He took my hand in his and held it gently, smiling. “I’m just your mere imagination. A symbolized version of what you desire. But sorry to say…no one knows what they need.”
“Ah, so I suppose I got your name wrong?” I gave him a shy smile.
“Well, yes, actually. But that’s okay. You like surprises, right?” He grinned down at me, still holding my hand. But I knew this marked our final minutes before I truly said good-bye.

“I’m sure he’ll amuse you so much so that you won’t even think of me anymore!”
“But I would be thinking of you.” I winked and smiled. “You’ll just have a different name. And perhaps a more detailed appearance. Maybe different favorites and different…well, a lot will be changed!”

“Yes, but for the better! A perfect little design by God just for you. I apologize if I don’t recognize you at first.” He frowned, letting go of my hand. Taking a step back, he added, “Don’t look for me when I’m gone. You won’t find me if you search.”
I nodded with a heartrending expression, knowing that this was the moment I’d be letting him go completely. But I wasn’t feeling any type of pain. It was more of an excitement, believing that somehow…this was the last step to making him genuine. In order to find him I had to let him go and trust him.

“Remember what you always told me?” he asked. “Sometimes the answer is staring you in the face. We’re so busy looking beyond what’s right in front of us that we miss out on the greatest things.”

“You’re completely right.”

“Duh. I’m perfect, remember? You created me.” He laughed aloud as I joined him.
“I look forward to meeting you again.” In conclusion, I gave him one last hug. He returned the hug with a warm embrace before stepping away to begin his journey. Turning around, he stared at me.

“Farewell,” he said strongly.

“Good bye, Matthew.”

At that moment I watched him walk away. Every perfect feature, characteristic, trait, and every detail I made of him began to fade. Every step he took represented every step I created. Slowly he was disappearing as I learned to let go with confidence. Soon enough I saw nothing in front of me. Now he was only a dream I refused to wake from before. And as I now felt more alive, I imagined the day he’d make his appearance again—as someone else in flesh.

I remembered his hug fairly well and missed it greatly.