The Dislike of Disappointment.

Is it ridiculous to be saddened over how easily disappointment can be found? For just a few moments, I am lacking to ignore that obliterating feeling. It's a one-time only thing to me, to claim, that I'm easily put down when I have to miss it. Like not being able to have a party on my birthday, knowing I'd have to wait a whole entire year before being able to attempt it again. The fear and disappointment hits me hard, as if I'll miss that chance. Once I get into this mode, I begin to do whatever I can do to make it work.

I've come to truly understand myself. That giving up does not come easily at all to me. I have this strong perseverance inside of me for the things that are so heavy in my heart. I have the willingness to keep trying until I'm satisfied and happy. But too easily I am saddened as it does not happen.

I lost a lot while growing up. Maybe that's why.

One Perfect Set of Arms.

Sometimes it's as if there's only one set of arms in this world that could wrap around me so perfectly. I once found myself in them. Perhaps at the time I was unaware that I would lose such a hiding spot. My entire being wants to run back in time and rest inside there once more. If only the owner of said arms could just build that small shelter around me again. I sadly recall the day I was informed I couldn't enter them anymore. I accepted it with the most deteriorating heart one can accept such a fact with. But now as time stretches extremely wide, I'm aching to find myself back in that safe, warm spot.

I wonder if it's silly to desire such a thing. The most incredible person to ever discover holds every solution to my cravings. As I run, I do not get closer, and the greatest things I can ever imagine remain in my face. So close, yet so far. Sometimes...I just wish I could have that hug again.

Burning Crave.

I silenced myself. I kept it inside and suffered again. I swallowed it inside of me and played pretend. I regretted it later and bite my tongue still. You hold the pages I want to write sincerely on, to even explain a piece of this. I try to dismiss this, but my mind dislikes my attempt. The craving is eating at me like an animal, as I keep pushing it aside. Instead of giving in and holding on, I push you. Instead of giving in to such a craving, I hit you. I immediately become disappointed that I'm doing so, and I wish it would stop haunting me. I can't just not believe in what became literally clear to me. My daydreaming is taking over my life. Why won't it stop? Why can't my mind just be still? For once.

I'd call this a train ride with no destination in your eyes. And that's what bothers me. I deal with such a heartbreaking fear of losing you. Not knowing where this will ever go with the way it is now kills me within. I've the heart to hold you close, but you hold out no hand to grab. Miraculously, I hold not this against you. But to love you has become the easiest and hardest task I've ever been given. No part of me wants to discontinue such love I've set out to give. But the more I do, the more I break. I become so attached as the burning flame inside of me grows stronger. There is absolutely no way I can put it out now.

I admit. I want you to hold me. And it kills me that you're not. I feel so unable to contain this with normality. I've absconded from the world, from all eyes that might read me. It's as if I've been running too fast for my feet to keep up and I'm now laying flat on my face, seeking enough strength to at least cry. I've pictured the smaller version of you and I've weeped an intense amount. I've come to acknowledge that you're the most special person I've ever met. And I cannot imagine a life without you. Because of this, I'm extremely happy you're here. Despite our circumstances. I wish that was enough to ignore the burning passion.

If this does not pain you, then I've taken it away.

Passion.

Your eyes are too powerful that I lack the ability to gaze in return. Your walls are cold and I let them push me, as I cannot stay too close to you. I fear the abusive passion deep within myself, slicing through my heart. But here I am taking my chances in the smallest ways. I'm putting my heart on the line just because I find you worth any type of pain. The pain I like to endure is the thought that I'm suffering instead of you now. That I truly can put on such a burden to allow you to rest. To place you high in my life to prove to you that you're worth more than you never knew. I'd ache a storm for you, I'd take a bullet--just about anything to give you peace. 

You should know I send prayers to God asking Him if I can keep you...just to keep loving you more.