My Big Heart.

My mind still tries to get the best of me, but it fails fast as I stay strong. I've come to the point that I do not want to return to what has hurt me before. I do not want those feelings to come back to me. I cannot repeat what I've suffered over. I feel at peace, I feel much better now, I feel free, and I really, genuinely hope that I do not get attacked again.

I know my heart wants to love tremendously so. There's something about pointing a human being out and making them feel special that warms my heart. And I do believe that is what God put inside of me for when I become a "wife" to my future spouse. He knows He made me this way. I loved the feeling of giving a gift to someone I found special. I have no reason to take it back, I meant it at the time. I did my part, I moved along. Every gift I gave in the past to that one person was simply what God gave to them by using me. And that will be enough for me to know.

I don't look down on myself, or believe something is wrong with me. I find myself as the better person because of what I was capable of doing. I could love nonetheless and maybe it's just something they could never do. Knowing I'm capable of that makes me feel like I've accomplished a huge task. I have been told by quite a few people who caught a glimpse of my past pain that I'm a "great person." Although I intend to have no pride, I understand that I am still appreciated as a human being, even to the person who has hurt me.

Do I blame them? No. Do I hate them? Not at all. Do I regret loving? No. It got me here, didn't it? To say I can be this strong with God's help. If my love cannot fall on them anymore, it'll go to where it is appreciated even more. I was so attached, for reasons only God knows. But maybe this will allow me to truly see the difference. To take what I've learned, and grab that mass amount of love and send it to whom it belongs.

Do I feel this way, this excited, without someone in mind? Unfortunately not. A removal of someone in my heart leaves that little space empty that the only thing to help me keep my hope is to place a form of hope in there. Does this place a fear inside of me? Yes, it does. A fear I will be praying away. This fear has me thinking that I'm going to attach myself to yet another person who will hurt me. This fear has me thinking that something is going to go wrong. All of the odds in my new situation are against me. I know I have faith to move mountains, I always believed with my whole heart. But my heart is too big to listen to my mind.

Why must I desire to love someone so eagerly? When is the time that I can do that with the one who will desire it back?

Before I went to the wedding today, I thought, "Maybe I will learn something from this. Maybe there will be meaning on its timing? Last minute I was given a yes to record video for it. When I was there I definitely had many thoughts on my mind. New ones, and happy ones. I usually work as a photographer at weddings, but this time I go to see more professionals working and it was the first thing I noticed when I arrived. There were two! They were working together! My first question to myself was, "Are they married?" And shortly I found out they were. Suddenly my mind is thinking how fun that would be, to have a partner during work. It was so neat to watch them work together. I was quite jealous, if I must admit.

I never like photographing at weddings that often have a lot of strangers when I am alone. I just hold my head up and do it anyway. I mostly dread the editing later. But I couldn't get myself to agree to marrying a photographer. I've been told that so many times by friends throughout the years, but I thought it would be hard if it made one of us feel not as great, granted one was higher level. But my heart was softened. And my mind was changed. Not that I know who I'll marry, but that I saw how they worked together and I thought.. This is genius! A genuine married couple generally consists of best friends. Two people who get along so well, it's like they are best friends. With that, you read each other's minds, as so to speak. You work in sync. You trust them with your entire heart.

These two wedding photographers made it finally appear to me that it could work to a great benefit. Not that I would just decide to go find some photographer guy, I'm still a picky person. Hah! But that it opened my eyes to something new. Something beyond the fact that they're photographers. Just something I hadn't ever thought about that I cannot explain in here. I got to see that you really do never know what you want. You say, "I could never marry a photographer" and one day you just might do that! I'm actually guilty for saying that. You could say, "I'd never marry someone is in the army" and get exactly that. So, I must keep my mouth shut! Or just say, "I'd never marry my best friend." ;)

To conclude, I'm going to prepare myself to be a better person so that I can be the best that I am for someone someday. ♥

Prepare Yourself!

Dear Future Husband,

You better be prepared for me. I'm pretty scarred up now, but they're healing. I may be hesitant, and struggle with my faith in you. But it's not because I don't trust you, or that I don't believe you'll love me. It's because I'm going to have to learn how it feels to be loved by another human being like I have loved before. I'm a soft heart when I open up and when I find you, I'll be okay with friendship. I want to get to know you the right way, and I want to fight for you.

I cannot determine if we have met, but I simply hope that you discover it's me either way. We will face trials and tests but it will make us so much stronger. We will learn how to love each other until the end, and that excites me. Right now God has asked me to prepare myself, so I must spend some alone time with him before I'm ready for you. But don't worry, I've developed a lot of love inside of me for you. I pray you never give up on me.

I hope you forgive me for anything I gave away that belonged to you. But do know that I have saved a lot of myself for you, and still want to patiently wait for your arrival. I have been distracted for the past few years, but I know that I will be very capable of loving you still. I hope you help me overcome the fears that I developed and that you ease my mood when I am afraid. By that, I mean that I hope you always point me to God when I am down, because He loved me first.

May you be worth every day of the wait. I'll see you soon!

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann

Realizing the Effects.

As I allow my mind to show me what's in my heart, I end up curled up on the floor, determined to just cry it out. But that same mind remains so utterly busy the very next day, with its unfortunate ability to distract me from working. What is happening to me? I wonder this now as the realization of my sudden paranoia comes forth in my mind. My past has affected me this way.

I spent about 4 years experiencing unrequited love, as so to speak. Not that I was unloved, but that I loved too much to not desire more. I wanted to overcome it though, to win the battle, to finish the race. I wanted to make it to the end and receive a great reward, so instead of becoming hateful to the person, I loved anyway. I learned how important love is, and I served as a reminder in their life. I was the one who would love them the way God loves us. And I walked away with that exact hope that I left that impact.

So here I am at a crossroads, trying my best to hold in the scars I arrived with. I may have developed a fear that I will gain "feelings" and desire for someone who will not want that in return. But I know God will help me through that, and guide me the right way. He will not let me go through what I cannot handle, and He will not drag me through the same storm when I've already come out of it. I sincerely pray that I do not ruin a great friendship with desires for more, but that if I do gain it, that it'll be right.

Paranoia

I'm not entirely sure how to express myself at this current moment in time. Perhaps I need to allow the camera to help me out, and maybe I can capture at least a percentage of my inner being. But what difference would that make? I've developed some sort of paranoid thought that I cannot even explain.