Dear Others.

Dear Others,

Please don't feel bad for me. I do look toward the bright side. We don't live hopeless lives unless we make them hopeless. And I know I go through pain and sorrow, and I spend days with weakness and tears. But it helps me feel stronger on the days I get back up again and continue forward. I wake up every day breathing, knowing I'm still here and that I must keep going. I don't need your worry or your doubt, just your happiness and encouragement.

Things happen in our lives for reasons, and we learn and grow from them all. I could have run away a long time ago, I could have walked out on my problems, but something always told me to stay. And as much as I could have gone anyway, I knew it'd only make me a failure. To run away from what serves a big purpose would be a total waste of life. So here I am, where I'm at, asking that you not feel bad.

I've grown, I've become stronger and more patient. I've learned lessons I didn't know I needed to learn. I've gained knowledge I didn't know existed. I've become this person I could have never imagined three years ago. And yet I still find happiness through my sadness, hope through my doubt. I'll stand for one of the greatest things there is. And that's love.

If you could see what I see, you'd understand. If you could feel what I feel, you'd see. If you could know what I know, you'd feel it too. Sometimes we're given big tasks with two options. To complete it, or automatically fail. I'd not dismiss the opportunity to keep loving someone despite their response actions.

I didn't search for him and he didn't find me. It just happened.

I don't even regret talking back. :)

Yours Truly,
Stephanie Ann

Traces in the Clouds.

April 14, 2010

It found me and attacked me. I knew it would the moment I let myself be alone. My mind searched hard through my heart to find the reasons behind my sorrow. I keep feeling like I find exactly what breaks me into pieces completely. Each time I get up, I’m pushed down--over and over and over again. My body seems too weak to keep getting up that I find myself not wanting to get up. Soon the words “I can’t do this anymore” find their way to my mouth as I cry out. But I don’t want to walk away, nor do I want to run from my problems. I just want something to change for the better. I want some type of breakthrough in my life and in his. I don’t want our friendship to hurt like this.

It still hurts me, I will admit. It still causes deep pain to take in reality and to accept that he does not desire me the same. I try hard to ignore it around him, but each time I shatter more. In no way am I mad at him, nor do I blame him for this pain. I keep seeing perfection in our bond and that longing to stay with him forever. I’ve never allowed myself to completely feel this way with anyone, nor did I come close. But as I fulfill almost three years of him being in my life, I know I mean it. Nowhere would I be able to find a friendship like this. If anyone tried to top this friendship, they might find it almost impossible. We’ve gone through a lot, and we’ve had reason to learn a lot. We’ve grown over the years that I’d rather die than kill what we have.

I still enjoy the happiness around him, putting all hardship aside. I still love him in all the things that we do together. I still continuously want to help him out and encourage him to be happy. I still remember somehow of how his hugs felt--but I still crave to have at least one more. I wish with all that I have that the awkward feeling would just go away. All I seem to be able to do lately is try to feel okay around him, then return home and cry. Writing about it makes me feel like I’m letting some of it out to help me. But this seems to be all that I write about lately because this is how my heart speaks. But how much longer can I go on?

I found my low and felt completely weak on the floor. Tears left my eyes with the pain inside. The battle within me fights hard, but I fall to my knees. I don’t know how much more I can endure. I want to tell him, but I don’t want to hurt what’s still left. I don’t want to push him away, or cause him to run from me. But I don’t want to watch our friendship hurt. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore. I can’t seem to stand that long, as I find myself on the floor more lately. But then I look around to find things he’s provided for me and I cry because of how much I appreciate it. The things I’d never want to just stop one day. I cry thinking about how he bought us lunch and frozen yogurt. But I am not worth it.

WHY? WHY did this have to happen to ME? HOW must I carry on? WHAT do I do? I’ve guarded my heart my whole entire life. He cannot tell me to do that as if I don’t. Why must he act like I’ve brought this upon myself? That I have full control of what happens in my life? I’ve always been careful and still am to this day. I am much too picky to just allow anyone into my life. I forgot that I’ve been like this because of how much of our situation has occupied my mind. I did not even realize that I’ve not met anyone new that has been a big part in my life lately. God gave me Steven. He is the one He put into my life. Steven is the one who stayed and remains here this day. Steven is the one I talk to. Steven is my best friend.

[[Title is from the solo piano song I played while writing this.]]

What We Have.

I've pondered on what we have, from the very deep roots to the many branches. Hidden from the world, I cried at the thought of losing it. I am attached enough that it is no wonder I could not let go when I tried. I allowed each tear to fall for each thought I held. I felt them turn from warm to cold as I sit there in that dark closet. It is too special to dismiss and often I feel like I never look hard enough at what we've created. But this time I did.

What we have is a unique friendship, and yet the word friendship does not describe it well enough. I have become weak because I've discovered all my strength. I was stronger than I thought I was and I knew that when I used it all up. If we can still smile during an argument, it serves a purpose. Can you picture the first month of our friendship? I never realize how long ago it was until I take the time to remember.

One of the most special things to share with you is my passion for the piano. For the longest time I wondered if I'd find someone to play along with. Someone who appreciated my playing and gave me motivation to keep going. You found me when I almost lost that passion. For months I spent hardly any time playing. Somewhere along the line we got used to playing side by side. And honestly, it's the most precious thing I hold on to with you. To take that away from me would hurt greatly. I refuse to imagine letting it go. Only that would require holding onto you for the rest of my life.

I cried because you've become the exact person I failed to imagine long before. All the things I wanted turned into all the things I did not need. And all the things I needed I found just by knowing you. I know we have problems, I know our feelings clash. I know we see things differently, I know I'm in this alone. But a part of me has this intense hope that you'll realize what we have. Picture life without me. If you like it, have it. But if you don't, I'll be waiting here just to love you all the days of my life.

That's a promise.

You.

I am unsure of how to explain any further details of what is going on in my mind. I find myself lost in thought at the dinner table while staring down at the food I just prepared. There is no other breathing soul around me as I eat alone. Behind me I see outside, the clouds turning gray, hovering over me. Should this make me sad?

This has caused me to take note in what impact I've received. A total motivation to do things I never previously have taken the time to do. A feeling of appreciation and care. I've opened my mind to details I blurred at one time. I am speechless and overwhelmed by it all. But as the warm tears fill up my eyes and fall hastily down my cheeks, I am reminded of why I feel so alone in the moment.

I cannot get the thought of our laughter out of my mind. I think upon every good deed you've ever committed in my life. As I gaze at all that has existed because of you, I wonder why. Despite our situation, you have cared for me beyond what I could have imagined. Whether you've noticed this or not, it is in the utmost true. You care about my education, my talents, and my health. In the smallest ways, you've changed me. And in the largest ways, you've impacted my life for the better.

But I know what this has done to me. It has caused me to look upon you as someone very special. It has caused me to become happy over your presence. It has caused me to feel okay, just as long as I still have you around. To look at another human being and feel so understood. To know that as long as I have you, I will not have to worry about anything that comes my way.

I'm so sorry to have grown this attached to your personality. I thought over time that what's meant to be would be. Maybe I would have been able to move on as to not make you feel uncomfortable about me. I cannot explain to you why I found that route impossible. All that we've been through, all that we've done, however can I just walk away? You make me feel just right. I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you how hard this is, how often I look at the moon at night, wondering what God could possibly be doing right now.

I feel completely close to you because of our recent communication. You are a listening ear. A young man I can trust. But mostly...you have become my best friend.

You've complimented my writing, yet you're the number one reason that I write in the first place.